ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 𝕠𝕗 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕌ℕ𝔻𝔼ℝ𝕎𝕆ℝ𝕃𝔻

QUALITY, FACTUAL JOURNALISM. HOT SCOOPS.
A RIVAL; JOURNALISM COMPETITION RESULTS; EVEN MORE DEATH

Chicago • Saturday, August 12th • Vol III, No. 8

Journalistic quote of the week:

"are you sure you're a journalist ?"

- Jaque

FRONT PAGE

THE STATE OF THE NEWSPAPER INDUSTRY: A CHALLENGER ON THE HORIZON

Rumours have been circulating far and wide the past couple of days, while most people concern themselves with rumours about utterly mundane topics such as "the war" or "the tuna pizza served at GiannaSchmianni's funeral" we at 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 have an ear for what is truly important.

I am of course speaking about the rumours of a certain newspaper resurfacing, with its owner having expressed the intention to wipe 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 off the face of the planet and light our Head Office in the basement of TheWanderingJew on fire (we are not speaking about The Herald of The Underworld, nor 𝕿𝖍𝖊 𝕮𝖍𝖎𝖈𝖆𝖌𝖔 𝕭𝖆𝖓𝖓𝖊𝖗  which still has to publish its debut issue which I am 100% sure is coming soon).

Bring it on, I have ink bombs and countless smear pieces at the ready.

COMPETITIVE JOURNALISM COMPETITION RESULTS!!!

Last week we launched a competition, asking our LOYAL READERS to send in articles of Journalistic Merit for publication in 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 𝕠𝕗 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕌ℕ𝔻𝔼ℝ𝕎𝕆ℝ𝕃𝔻, with 5 million dollars and an official seal of Street VIP approval on the line.

The results exceed any and all expectations, for we have had a total of 0 submissions. Every single mobster is hereby designated a non-entrant in this competition. I have an impossible problem to tackle in front of me.

THE IMPOSSIBLE PROBLEM

We all know that handing out a prize to a non-entrant is a taboo which will likely get one shot in the face by a lackey of the Competition Commission. However, the only thing more dishonourable than handing the prize to a non-entrant is not handing out the prize at all. So even though it is technically allowed by the Competition Commission to not hand out a prize in such a circumstance where there are no entrants, it would bring eternal shame upon me and my lineage. I can already hear the cries of "YOU KEPT THE PRIZE TO YOURSELF AND SWINDLED THE COMMUNITY YOU GREEDY BLACKGUARD". It will simply not do.

I name non-entrant Whiterun-Guard the winner of the Competitive Journalism Competition. Congratulations for your lack of a submission.

The community has forced me into an awkward checkmate, I am forced to commit this heinous crime against the Competition Commission, one for which I will likely be wiped from existence. The 5 million dollar cross is hoisted on my back, I am to die for your sins.

Well played.

THE WAR

People died.

Send us information.

MAN FALLS OFF SOAP BOX, DIES

Today a man, under the alias of ReluctantGimp, stumbled out of a bar smelling of alcohol and climbed his way on top of a soap box after having a few too many cocktails.

The man tried to make a speech about "The New York Halle", but a sentence in he fell off the soap box, slammed face first into the concrete and broke his nose.

The man got up, face covered in blood, forehead perspired, bolognese sauce leaking out of his trousers by now, and tried to make the same speech once again, this time about "The New York Hall". Once again a sentence in, at the exact same point in his speech, Spaghetti fell out of his pockets and he fell a moment later, his skull slamming into the corner of the sidewalk.

This time he did not move again and gave up the ghost instead.

Rest in Pizza. Amen.

NEW NEWSPAPER HAT PRICE CHANGE

My newly hired board of financial advisors, who I would like to remind you I pay exorbitant consultation fees (a testament to the quality of their advice), has suggested that I tweak the price and quantity of newspaper hats that I sell.

Going forward newspaper hats can only be bought in bundles of 20,000, and for 20,000 dollars each per single newspaper hat. I will be happy to take your orders, pay up front though.

Is it a question of money? Yes. Yes it is.

Rolling from under the newspaper stand where Harold was attempting to sell the shit-stained toiletries that he called journalism, Buster jumped up from the floor and took a few seconds to collect himself as he had been down there for a few days now. He finally had Harold right where he wanted him and there was no time to spare in calling it out!

A-ha! You've finally done something your precious Ned_Harrington will not stand for, the now shaking man pulled out a few pieces of paper which fell to the floor with almost all of them having scribbles that just said Herald multiple times, except for one which stuck to his hands, probably because there was a wad of gum inside of it, but also because it was precisely what he had been looking for:

Here I have a page of the Competition Commission which I wrote from memory which states that non-entrants shall never for any reason win a competition that has the seal of CC approval, thus breaking the approval of the committee. This is to say, of course, that you no longer have the protection of your precious Ned. You have NOTHING! Hahahahahaha!

Scruggs continued to laugh for a few more minutes until finally, he had no more tears of happiness to spare.

What say you to these one hund-a-red poor-cent truthful allegations?

What say you to these one hund-a-red poor-cent truthful allegations?

BusterScruggs The paper does not deny your allegations. The paper confirms your allegations and elaborates on the thought process behind it.

I was outplayed, I got checkmated, and now I am the bitter loser. I await my trial by the CC.

And before there are claims of me not having paid out the price to Whiterun-Guard start, here are the receipts provided to me by my accountant:

Aug 12, 00:09:53

Your accountant has made payment of $5,000,000 to Whiterun-Guard. The note "CONGRATULATIONS ON WINNING THE COMPETITIVE JOURNALISM COMPETITION" was included.

Aug 12, 00:10:10

You have regifted Forum VIP Status (30 Days) to Whiterun-Guard

"I, the aforementioned Whiterun-Guard, and by extension the entire force of the Whiterun City Watch, and by extension the office of the Jarl of Dragonsreach, vehemently deny having received any payment, bribes, gifts, or favors from any members of the CC Skooma cartel. Such abominations are not welcome in Whiterun, and as such we will not partake in nor be drawn into any Skooma scandals."

Whiterun-Guard I have the receipts damnit. You DID receive the prize so stop sabotaging my dumpster fire of a competition by not only abstaining from entering, but also by denying having received the prize as a non-entrant.

Skooma? Yarls? Dragonsreach? How many drugs are you on?

Is that what the 5 million dollars was spent on?

Most damning.

TheWanderingJew, if the mighty coalition of non-entrants that successfully managed to defeat me in a battle of wits wants to squabble over who gets to keep the prize money they FORCEFULLY EXTRACTED from me they are free to do so internally.

I will have no part in it.

You can ask for the prize money from Whiterun-Guard who, despite denying having received the fruits of my labour without even writing a news article, most definitely has it.

Competition Commission agents surged through the crowd causing the gathering locals to begin to back away. Sensing what was coming next many began to flee the area immediately. Ned Harrington made his way to the forefront flanked by two Competition Commission lawyers. Each carried a briefcase with the Competition Commission Seal and kept their full focus on StandbyJudgeHarold. They stood motionless nearby, their dark-pitted eyes stared, unblinking for the entire duration of the meeting. 

As Ned stopped a few paces away from StandbyJudgeHarold and the brave few who remained the Commission agents spread out in a loose semi-circle around them blocking the exits. 

Ned made a mental note of the people who still remained...

BusterScruggs a recent thorn in his side and self-professed enemy of the Competition Commission. He’s been asking tough questions and prying too deep into Commission business. He’s someone to watch… 

Whiterun-Guard, a staunch supporter of justice and fairness. There is no way he would willingly involve himself in such a sinister plot. Even if his views of the Competition Commission are misguided, surely he could be trusted to at least uphold THE LAW (of the Competition Commission). 

And of course, @TheWanderJew remained. He housed StandbyJudgeHarold, lived with him, ate with him and if the rumors are true circumcised him himself. There is no closer bond and therefore no bigger threat to myself and the Competition Commission. If he is working with StandbyJudgeHarold to overthrow the Competitive Competition Circuit it could mean the end of the Commission as we know it. 

Ned knew that this was a pivotal moment in the history of the Competition Commission and therefore one of the most important things to EVER occur. As he cleared his throat to speak he reached out his hand towards one of the faceless Commission lawyers. In a moment the lawyer had the briefcase open and a packet of papers bound by a gold paperclip. Ned took the packet and held it up in front of him. Waving it, Ned addressed the surrounding group, his focus still on StandbyJudgeHarold. 

“I have here in my hand an Official Competition Commission Injunction to cease all competitions, competition related activities and most importantly turn over any and all FRAUDULENT prize money to the Competition Commission." Ned paused for dramatic effect. Basking in the "Oohhs & Aahhs" from the crowd reforming on the other side of Competition Commission agents.  

"From this moment forward StandbyJudgeHarold has been disbarred from the Competition Commission and we will be bringing additional charges against you for damages and the emotional damage inflicted on the rest of the world by your actions.” 

Ned walked up to StandbyJudgeHarold and pressed the lawsuit firmly into his hands. He leaned in and pitched his voice as to only be heard by Harold. “Your services as Chief Disinformationist for the Commission will no longer be necessary.”  Ned turned and stepped away once again address everyone around. 

“In order to live in a society we need to abide by the rules. The Competition Commission will continue to enforce those rules, as they apply to competitions. Let this be a lesson that even the most powerful and influential journalists are not above the rules. Long live the Commission."  
 

Alright, that's enough of this. If the competition committee isn't going to drop the long arm of the law down onto your imposing gut, then I suppose someone else needs to do it. Ned is refusing to take care of this sniveling whelp who he clearly believes to be one of his finest pets, but that DOES NOT mean that another person cannot create their own committee and dole out the justice that has to be served here. 

THIS IS WHY I WILL BE...

Before he could even finish his speaking, what seemed like the entirety of the commission spewed forth and into the fray, and being the bureaucratic busybodies that they are, cordoned off the entire area where only Ned and Harold now stood-- this would not do, and Buster needed to find a way to hear what was going on over there. That's why, with every skill he had learned in his short life in the mafia, he made his way over to one of the twerps that called themselves part of the CC team and knocked them over the head, dragging them behind a bush only a few meters away and only stepping out once he was fully dressed in their disgustingly bland attire.

Ahem, ahem. Official Competition Inspector, coming right on through, don't mind me, just going to be standing over here to make sure that Harold doesn't run off or anything like that. Completely unassuming, I am.

Mostly everyone was now focusing on him, but that was okay, as they couldn't legally touch him without the whistle around his neck going off and alerting the police, who most definitely were not affiliated with this mobster competition nonsense. Feeling this complete and utter power, Buster smiled widely and listened to the conversation. Which is when he heard it.

Ah HA! I knew it! Harold worked for you this entire time.

Stripping off the C.C Clothing which he was just wearing moments earlier, his face clearly never being obstructed to the point that he was incognito in the first place, Buster pushed Harold away before turning directly to Ned, a fire in his eyes that had been sparking for nearly the entire duration of his time here and one that wouldn't be put out so easily.

Let me be your new Disinformation Chief please please please, please! You gotta let me! You just gotta! Please! I won't stop saying please until you say yes! Please!

I would like to state for the public record, in an unambiguous manner, that I do not have nor have I ever had any direct ties to the Competition Commission. I am or was not their Chief Disinformationist as Ned_Harrington claims. This is just their way of attempting to punish me, by making me a propagandist and fraud in the eyes of the general public.

I have never taken any 80 million dollar bribes, I have never been given a pass for being an alleged co-host of a certain duck's fraudulent competition, and I CERTAINLY NEVER won any competitions by having The Competition Commission pressure the competition-runner into naming me the winner.

This is all lies and slander and I will not stand for it.