"There are many things in this world which I do not like. Debates about pizza toppings, the lack of 'fat people' submissions to the jail cell walls and most of all, people trying to take what is mine. It is the latter that brings me to the Streets today as I was recently subjected to a two-pronged, unprovoked assault. Allow me to set the scene for you: our hero, ImportantBusinessman, chestnut fedora adorning handsome head, respectable beard growth etched to cheeks and radiant smile across beautiful chops, minding his own business. Important business, you might say. When, through no fault of his own, he receives correspondence from," gags, "StandbyJudgeHarold." 

"Most of you probably won't be familiar with the Hobbs lineage, but I'll give you the highlight reel," ImportantBusinessman starts checking off his fingers, "athletically challenged, vertically challenged, intellectually challenged and someone once set an effigy of him alight to widespread acclaim." 

"That has no relevance to our tale, I just thought people should know. Anyway, this upstart Harold deigned to drop me, an important businessman, a message. This was the first part of his assault upon my person and I responded in the only way which seemed appropriate, I reported him to the authorities. Needless to say those sissies did nothing about his flagrant disregard for my 'no hacks within 30m (GordonGekko excepted)' policy, despite my numerous donations their way and, emboldened, this wretch chanced him arm." 

Aug 14, 09:23:35    StandbyJudgeHarold tried to PICKPOCKET you.

"What options are left to a man, even an ImportantBusinessman, when both an assault upon the eyes and an assault upon the body are committed? ClamTubularagula might be open to experimentation but I remain a staunch advocate for the tried and trusted methods. I lifted my important hands from within my important pockets and that was when Harold realised he had mistakenly awoken an 80 day old juggernaut. He tried to run, bless him. I laughed at his feeble attempts to escape, and I laugh again now. Ha, ha, ha. Despite his claims of power-squats, he made it no more than 5 yards on his twigthighs before the inevitable pulp-inducing mauling occurred:  

Aug 14, 09:24:26    You caught up with StandbyJudgeHarold, beat them within an inch of their life, and took $126

And with Harold stewing in a pool of his own juices, suitably punished for his entirely unprovoked attack, this brings me to the point our conversation today.

What should I spend his $126 on? 

Use the money to send a letter to his mother asking her out on a nice date

ImportantBusinessman - is this a question of money? 

After a thorough internal investigation, it has come to my attention that you had bravely tried to steal the loose change from StandbyJudgeHarold 's back pocket. Many, many people build up the courage to do this every day and the vast majority leave with their tail between their legs. 

Did he give you a beat down? 

SuperBee, I'm an ImportantBusinessman and I frankly don't have the time for carnal relationships, despite just how carnal they will inevitably be.

Gordon, as you well know being my bag carrier for so long, it is always a question of money. Specifically in this case what I should spend the money on. Any thoughts to avoid being bumped back down associate level?

TheWanderingJew, if that is your real name and I have reason to believe it isn't, I refuse to acknowledge the legitimacy of any such investigation despite it correctly identifying me as brave, and this space is clearly for the discussion about what I should spend Harold's $126 on after he attacked me. This part now isn't in any doubt because I already told everyone what happened in chronological order and I have explicitly defined who gave the beating to whom - me to Harold's ugly mug. 

Another day, another slanderous piece of propaganda brought against my good name and reputation as a Journalist.

ImportantBusinessman, I am EXTREMELY disappointed (and definitely not mad, there's an important distinction there). You have left out an important part of the events that unfolded, namely what transpired MERE MINUTES before you stole my hard earned cash:

Aug 14, 09:16:43     ImportantBusinessman tried to PICKPOCKET you.
Aug 14, 09:17:06     You caught up with ImportantBusinessman, beat them within an inch of their life, and took $0

There you were, trying to pick pennies off me (and failing I might add). There I was, giving you a sound beating as the law of the land dictates. Being the noble and generous spirit that I am, I didn't even take any money off you for this offence, leaving empty-handed of my own volition.

As a diplomatic sign of good-will I thought I'd give you the opportunity to give me a sound thrashing as well. I powdered my nose, put on my best cologne, took a swig of whisky to loosen up the muscles, picked your pockets and then stood still in front of you, ready to complete our elaborate ritual.

Aug 14, 09:23:35     You tried to PICKPOCKET! ImportantBusinessman.
Aug 14, 09:24:26     ImportantBusinessman caught up to you and beat you down. They took $126 back. As they walk away they say, "Mugging dorks since 1924".

I had expected a friendly beating, one of mirth and perhaps a few broken ribs to make it a lasting memory. But no, you viciously beat me while your patsy GordonGopher stood there watching, and then you took my hard-earned 126 DOLLARS.

Think of how many balls of Mozarella I could've bought with that money.

Classic case of everybody's favourite soggy piece of bread, Mr Harobbs. Put the brocoli pen down you psychopath. This is the Mafia. This is where boys become men. Where violence overtakes silence. Where the rats go splat. What kind of useless worm are you anyway? Getting mugged in pure daylight is sacrilege. 

ImportantBusinessman, as an important business conducting man you should really invest in pocket protectors to prevent ink spillage.

ClamTubularagula might be open to experimentation but I remain a staunch advocate for the tried and trusted methods.

Nancy Reagan once tried to peg me in the employee bathroom of a jerk chicken restaurant wearing nothing but nipple pasties with propellers on them. She would say, "Clam, I could suck the meat off a walnut". And I would say, "Nancy, tell Ronald about us. I want him to know.' But those were my younger days. I don't experiment much anymore. Not since Nancy.