ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 𝕠𝕗 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕌ℕ𝔻𝔼ℝ𝕎𝕆ℝ𝕃𝔻

QUALITY, FACTUAL JOURNALISM. HOT SCOOPS.
NEWSPAPER UN-AUTH; GOOMBA GENOCIDE; THE WAR; GHOSTWRITING

Chicago • Saturday, August 19th • Vol IIII, No. 1

Journalistic quote of the week:

You are useless

- TheWanderingJew

FRONT PAGE

THE STATE OF THE NEWSPAPER INDUSTRY: A NIGHTMARE COME TRUE

HELLO LOYAL READERS. We alluded last week to an old rival of 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 resurfacing. Our fears ended up becoming reality, we were of course speaking about BusterScruggs. What did come as a surprise to us however was that he opted to use our very own name instead of "The Herald of The Underworld" which is what we expected him to use instead.

Our review is as follows: the Journalistic Merit of his paper was absolute trash tier, but the haikus were superb and anyone claiming that the haikus were not really haikus can expect a defamation case to follow suit.

NEWSPAPER UNAUTH: APACHE IMPEACHMENT

It seems mere days ago that we of 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 had Journalistically authed Apache to run "𝕿𝖍𝖊 𝕮𝖍𝖎𝖈𝖆𝖌𝖔 𝕭𝖆𝖓𝖓𝖊𝖗". Ever since then we have been eagerly awaiting its debut issue, every time we asked Apache for a status update we were answered with a swift "it's on its way and will be published soon, please send me another 5 million dollars in startup funds to hire more interns".

We had picked Apache for his prowess at delivering speeches, combined with his reputation as one of the most prominent speakers around. Imagine our shock when we found out that most if not all of his speeches were ghost-written by a soulless corporation, and that he was merely reciting words from a pre-written script instead of speaking from the heart.

A NEW AUTH

We are hereby revoking Apache's newspaper auth and strip him of the publishing rights of "𝕿𝖍𝖊 𝕮𝖍𝖎𝖈𝖆𝖌𝖔 𝕭𝖆𝖓𝖓𝖊𝖗", instead we will pass this honour on to Razor_Blade_Mario. Congratulations Mario, we are looking forward to the debut issue of "𝕿𝖍𝖊 𝕮𝖍𝖎𝖈𝖆𝖌𝖔 𝕭𝖆𝖓𝖓𝖊𝖗" and wish you the best of luck in producing it.

Don't let us down. Seriously.

A DANGEROUS TIME FOR GOOMBAS

The Goomba is an endangered species, often looked down upon as "a drag on society" and "about as valuable as a dead cockroach", or having "a historical track record of being generally unimportant but somehow fancying themselves above the Gangster".

Last week, between August 9 and August 13 we saw a shocking spike in deaths of Goombas all across the states:

Cannon	None	Queens, NY	Goomba	Dead	Jul 25, '23 22:21	Aug 13, '23 17:01
Mist_and_Shadows	None	The Loop, CH	Goomba	Dead	Aug 09, '23 04:47	Aug 12, '23 19:41
Boobhead	TheWanderingJew	The Loop, CH	Goomba	Dead	Jun 26, '23 04:28	Aug 12, '23 07:40
Helriek	DangerClose	Old City District, PH	Goomba	Retired	Jul 25, '23 22:30	Aug 12, '23 06:47
JohnnyJames	None	Bricktown, DT	Goomba	Dead	Jul 12, '23 15:11	Aug 12, '23 01:29
honeybeez	None	Queens, NY	Goomba	Dead	Jul 23, '23 20:49	Aug 12, '23 00:26
MrDiabolik	TheWanderingJew	The Loop, CH	Goomba	Retired	Aug 09, '23 02:41	Aug 11, '23 19:29
Polio	TheWanderingJew	The Loop, CH	Goomba	Retired	Aug 09, '23 05:54	Aug 11, '23 19:29
Rocket	None	Hollywood, LA	Goomba	Dead	Jul 23, '23 13:29	Aug 11, '23 11:52
MidpoinT_	SpaceCowboy	Downtown, LA	Goomba	Retired	Aug 05, '23 03:26	Aug 11, '23 10:47
MidPoinT-	SpaceCowboy	Downtown, LA	Goomba	Retired	Aug 05, '23 02:33	Aug 11, '23 07:04
OmegaPiin	None	Downtown, LA	Goomba	Dead	Jun 22, '23 20:38	Aug 11, '23 05:15
Big-Eazy	None	Downtown, LA	Goomba	Dead	Jul 16, '23 19:09	Aug 10, '23 19:11
CodeSixty	Fenton	Bronx, NY	Goomba	Dead	Jun 18, '23 01:20	Aug 09, '23 22:09

These numbers (15 deaths total) are unprecedented. It is safe to say there is a Goomba Crisis.

THE OBVIOUS SUSPECT: GORDONGOPHER

We don't know for what reason, but many of the people we asked why the numbers are what they are pointed us straight to GordonGekko. However, we have been told that he has been on good behaviour ever since being employed at Exile, so any and all rumors of his involvement are FACTUALLY VERIFIABLY false.

ADVICE TO DISTRESSED GOOMBAS

Carry a personal defense weapon at all times, and if you hear someone ask you "Is it a question of money?", run. Secondly, if ever asked, deny any and all connection to the Lostboy bloodline. And lastly: do not accept non-entrant prizes.

Stay safe.

THE TRUTH ABOUT THE LV/DT WIPE

We have held off on reporting on this story for a week, hoping that an official statement would come forward which we could then supplement with our own investigation. We've waited and since it isn't there (yet?), we feel the need to inform the public of the results of our investigation so far.

It all starts with a history lesson.

HISTORY OF THE HALLOWED GROUND OF DETROIT

Everyone knows that Detroit is a much coveted city. Besides being known as a delayed death sentence for any ambitious crew leader sent there, it was also the birthplace of The Mafia Rennaissance spearheaded by John_Fareham the JFMAST (the John Fareham Memorial All-Star Team) many moons ago.

Like everything in life, The Mafia Rennaissance and the JFMAST did not last forever. It was eventually brought to an end because Illuminatiated, a distant relative of modern day Illuminatiated, coveted the porcelain throne of the 12th Street Public Toilets that HeadCoach, the leader of the JFMAST, reigned his basketball empire from. Illuminatiated of old slaughtered Basketball Detroit without mercy, and made sure that any basketball in Detroit was thoroughly deflated.

Basketball Detroit was wiped from this earth precisely a year ago from this very day, on the 19th of August.

Illuminatiated of old took hold of Detroit in the JFMAST's place after removing them, and started to rebuild the city and expand his empire. Other cities however were not pleased with the removal of Basketball Detroit / the JFMAST and so, mourning that one of the brightest flames in mafia history was extinguished, sentenced Illuminatiated of old and his cronies to a swift death.

In total, Illuminatiated of old ruled Detroit for less than three days.

THE NOW

Illuminatiated of old gave the Illuminatiated of today one mission: to rule the hallowed ground that he himself once had coveted, and to sit atop the porcelain throne to accomplish what his ancestor could not.

We don't know how exactly, but somehow Illuminatiated has managed to manipulate The Powers That Be into advancing his plans, somehow convincing them to wipe Detroit (LV / a small portion of NY ended up being collatoral damage) and allow him to set up there. We have been involved that he might have been using a near-infinite amount of funds obtained as loans from the notorious "kuku" bloodline.

What a bizarre twist of fate.

WHAT NOW?

We asked Illuminatiated for a comment on his recent ascension but he did not answer us in words, yet his demeanor gave away his feelings on the matter which we will relate to you as follows:

Illuminatiated lights a cigarette and blows smoke rings with the exhales, looking off in to the distance, remembering the greatness that was HeadCoach.

Congratulations Illuminatiated, you get to sit atop the porcelain throne as your relative had wanted. We wish thee the best, don't skip leg day, and if you meet the Buddha in the lane, feed him the ball.

A LETTER FROM THE EDITOR: THE GREATEST SIN OF GHOSTWRITING

The modern trend of employing the work of ghost-writers for writing scripts for orations or other publications is truly a blight upon these streets (and other community gathering spaces).

I wish to explain our perspective on this.

I believe that any sort of activity in these Streets is a form of communication between kindred souls. We engage with each other to move and be moved. To interact with our fellow man. When you outsource the details of your speech to a ghost-writing agency (which is essentially a writer devoid of soul or personality) you are taking yourself out of the equation. By getting someone else to formulate "your" thoughts, you are erasing a part of yourself.

Many see the "stolen valor" of street cred as the biggest sin in using ghost-writing, but I am of the opinion that the far more egregious offense is that you cheat the other party of an authentic interaction with his fellow man.

If I come to converse with an individual and instead am left to face the soulless ghost-writer with a cardboard cutout of the individual's face taped on it, I am personally cheated.

What could a now ex-junior journalist do after having lost it all? One might believe that if you fly too close to the sun that you will just burn up to a crisp, your body transforming into eons of atoms and your entire being reclaimed by the vastness of space, but the truth is that if you actually managed to travel that far up, you'd have died far before you reached the sun because it's like really, really, really far away and that's kind of ridiculous to even assume that you could make it there in the first place. Who came up with that stupid analogy? If you want to attempt to fly that high up in the sky, all you really need is a rocket ship and there's almost no chance that you'd ever get too close to the sun in the first place, so it is extremely safe, but NASA is a dick and won't let Buster have one, so he's stuck on the Earth for now and this has officially gone on for too long. The point that I am trying to make is simple:

Buster did not burn up in the sun, but rather he went up a few thousand feet in a rocket ship that he illegally procured from NASA and then the ship semi-exploded and he had to jump out of it quite dramatically and use some escape pod thing that probably exists and careened safely back down to one of the oceans surrounding America, probably the Atlantic. Wait, are rocket ships even a thing yet? He had seen one in a picture book a year or two ago, but that may have just been a drawing and not quite yet a reality. Either way, I'm losing my thoughts again so let me fight this urge and get back to it:

There he was, standing just outside of Harold's very own printing presses in Chicago. He wanted to have one of the very first copies, and Buster was still alive and hadn't burnt up or anything those were all just idioms or something like that. All you had to really know to understand the full scope of this is that Scruggs was NOT burnt up by the sun and he's still definitely relevant and if he wanted to then he could most definitely write another newspaper, but he didn't want to.

"Mmm, the smell of that freshly printed paper. I love it so.", he said really creepily as he took the very first copy for himself and stuffed it deep inside of his pants for later. He'd read that while plotting-- err-- figuring out what to do next when it came to Harold, a man who had eluded him for many months now.

"Good, uh... good paper. I did NOT burn up in the sun. Just making sure everyone knows. I'm still here. I COULD WRITE, YOU KNOW?! I just don't NEED to write because I already SAID everything that I wanted to. My first and last paper sold almost seventeen copies and Cork paid me handsomely for bringing the important news to everyone. I just. don't. want. to. OKAY?!"

With that said Buster ran away, he was breathing heavily.