Dear BricktownCL,

Word of your reputation travels far and wide: a formidable administrator of crews (how else could one rule 50 subjects while most chumps can only handle 30?); a righteous judge of character (and sitdowns); a skilled diplomat who won't take no for an answer; a competent Godfather with the ambition to rule Detroit; and plenty of fiercely loyal subjects to boot whose degree of bodyguard-provided protection is a testament to your financial ability and wit.

I have a particular fondness for Detroit, and am here to serve its best interests. Can I enlist in your ranks as Chief Propaganda Writer Negotiator? I think that together we might be able to warm up the masses to a Detroit ruled by the gentle prosciutto-ham filled fist of BricktownCL.

Both Illuminatiated and Caveman have already fled Detroit, a clear sign that the other side is willing to make concessions to your noble cause.

All of my bodyguards might have been shot by your henchmen while writing this letter on a public park bench in the beautiful city of Detroit, but that's a price I am willing to pay for your audience.

I eagerly await your response.

Yours sincerely,

StandbyJudgeHarold

As of this date, the only member of Cosa Nostra that BricktownCL has allowed to enter his ranks was a former laundryboy named "Grin-22".  I do not know or understand how he passed muster while many others are refused or even shot at (or their bodyguards, at least), but this should tell you everything you need to know about his judgment of character.

If I were you, I would stay as far away from this mysterious foe as possible. Rumor has it that the skeleton of Grin-22 is still chained to the washing machine in the dungeons of BricktownCL's headquarters.

TomJoad, you say BricktownCL is a foe, but would a real foe engage in the ancient Detroitian tradition of allied BG wacking?

The fact that BricktownCL himself came out of his luxurious palace of an HQ to shoot my very last bodyguard in person is most humbling, and a sign of progress in our negotiations.

He may not have replied to my letter yet, but I'm sure he's working on it at this very moment. I am 100% sure.

I believe what TheWanderingJew is saying is stop being such a Meandering Twerp and get back to work. Shit news doesn't publish itself, sir.

Harold, its long been known you are a sycophantic nerd but this is embarrassing even for you. I can't believe you let me out my cage just to witness this.

I am sick and tired of all this badgering of my newspaper, on the one hand you lot call it trash while on the other hand you push for me to publish more of it just so you can tarnish its reputation once again with your endless insults.

On top of that my heartfelt plea to BricktownCL never got a reply because you all had to wage a war against him or something. Instead of the route of diplomacy you chose the route of violence. I'm sure that if BricktownCL was still alive today he would have most definitely replied to me. Absolutely 100% positive.

You've all murdered my one and only friend in this world, and now I am in mourning.

No newspaper this week, I don't want my typewriter to grow rusty because of the tears streaming down my handsome face.

@StandbyHarold I'm surprised you can still stand here and talk through all the sweet, swear tears pouring down your face like a delicious waterfall. Why is it you never write open letters declaring love and loyalty to your real boss? 

I'll tell you why; you're a miserable pile of secrets no doubt plotting to kill us all.