Gentlemen, and those of you who are not but still where the attire. I have come to you all today to make a case IN DEFENSE of Competitive Writing Competitions, an opinion considered taboo, controversial and indecent by many. No, I have not come here to slander them, to warn the young and promising writers of our way of life to stay away from them, or to ask any competition-affiliated organisations to do a better job policing. I come to do the opposite.

We have all heard the stories, contestants entering and mysteriously turning up dead (the saying "A Competitive Writing Competition without at least 3 deaths is considered a dull affair" is engrained in society), contestants not entering out of fear and the organiser spiralling into a deep depression, prizes being awarded to non-entrants or being withheld entirely, second-prizes being more valuable than first prizes due to an error in the accounting department. The stories are endless. If we were to hold a Competitive Writing Competition whose subject was "Competitive Writing Competitions" itself, I'm sure the entrants would not be starved for material to competitively write about.

So, why am I in favor of Competitive Writing Competitions then despite their infamy and frequent demise of their entrants? It's simple. I think it is our God given duty to try our utmost to make the best among us shine as bright as they possibly can. From tragedy and tribulation great men are born, hardship strengthens the fibre of man's spirit, from a pile of assassinated writers a phoenix shall rise. Only with the Spartan upbringing that the competitive writing competition offers can we expect the truly great writers of potential among us to reach their full potential. I wish to restore Competitive Writing Competitions to their former glory.

Now, there have been people who asked the question "Is it really worth it to murder 3-10 contestants just to create one great writer?". Experts say, "yes". We don't question the experts and neither should you. I can hear you thinking "but that is an appeal to authority!". No, I am Authority. This is not an appeal to me, you ignorant buffoon, for I am not an expert. "Ah, a straw-man!" you say next. I swiftly reply "No, I am not made of straw". Finally, out of sheer frustration, you then exclaim "You're a fucking idiot Authority". I smugly push up my non-prescription glasses and say "Now that's an adhomomen". It's clear who won that debate.

Yes, it is now evident that we must restore the institution of Competitive Writing to be more like the bloody gladiator-filled collosseums of old that it once resembled. From boring paper slog to a pit of slaughter and excitement. From babby's first creative writing exercise to CUTTHROAT PENMANSHIP DEATHMATCH. Only by sacrifing other contestants and simply accepting their loss as a necessary evil can we ever hope for a new writer to match WhereWasI's brilliance to surface.

So, my fellow degenerate street dwelling goblins, I ask you all: what are your thoughts on this matter? Should we bring back Competitive Writing Competitions to foster the lost art of competitive writing and allow the brightest flames of our community to reach their full potential? Can we accept the necessary consequences of such a thing? Should we elect someone to host a new Competitive Writing Competition as a first step towards a better (and only incidentally bloodier) future?

Vinny walks by and sees several people looking on but nobody daring to comment. He chuckles...it's not surprising. It's a fucking dangerous topic and most mafioso won't touch it with a ten foot pole...

"Well, I'm not afraid to speak up about COMPETITIVE WRITING COMPETITIONS"

Vinny shouted the last part extra loud as if to defy the gods and fate itself...

"Some of the best work ever seen in these streets was manifested as a result of a competition. Conversely, some of the greatest massacres resulted from the same. But art was created. Beauty was created. How many lives are worth the existence of the Mona Lisa? It's all subjective, but what cannot be denied is that only Competitive Writing Competitions have consistently provided the motivation needed to create this art. It's important that we bravely promote them and enter them at our own risk."

"From a pile of assassinated writers a phoenix shall rise..."

No truer words have ever been spoken.

You write well, Authority, but what good has the CWC ever really brought this thing of ours?

One way to find out is, as you say, to have a Competitive Writing Competition where people write  ABOUT Competitive Writing Competitions.

I'd enter. Yes. 

I'd enter. Yes. 

Famous last words.

For the vigilante who thought he was starting the Competitive Writing festivities (but ended up doing so prematurely): THERE IS NO COMPETITIVE WRITING COMPETITION GOING ON YET. THERE ARE NO ENTRANTS YET, NEITHER WAS THE_OX. NO BLOODSHED IS CALLED FOR AT THE MOMENT.

PLEASE STAND BY.

@Gigantopithecus I see you are a man of taste, a man of great intellect, a true modern day aristocrat.

Tell me, son, how many of your ancestors participated in a Competitive Writing Competition and lived to tell the tale? I bet the answer is none. Your grandfather met an untimely demise SQUARELY BECAUSE he dared to enter.

But his death was not in vain, he allowed other writers to blossom, feeding off his rotting carcass. He sacrificed himself to further our cause, our culture, our art.

I thank him for his service.

Authority salutes.

Vinny looks on smiling, nodding, and occasionally looking over his shoulder for danger...

Yes! Yes! Thank you for noticing how impressive I am, Authority. Usually, I have to point it out to people, and that doesn't quite have the same effect. To answer your question, which I think you already know the answer to, the answer is NONE! Several writers adorn the great hallways of the Gigantopithecus family manor, and none lived long enough to create a portfolio of their work. But all men die. What those men did was create something that transcends death. Something that lives on long after their smelling, bloated corpses are devoured by worms.

Now then, on to more serious business...

It seems the funeral homes have suddenly filled up with new customers. Most of these customers were pretty well-known figures in certain circles we frequent. The rumor on the streets is that these deaths were attributable to this here defense of competitive writing competitions that you have summoned. What do you say to these accusations?

Gigantopithecus I deny such accusations. There has been a severe lack of interest in the revival of competitive writing competitions, despite my heartfelt and emotional plea. Yesterday's tragedy was not the result of a competitive writing competition, but perhaps should have been.

Did many people die yesterday? Yes. But instead of dying for the glory of furthering our profession as competitive writers, they died for boring political or diplomatic reasons. They could have been nutrient-rich soil for the mafia-philosophy writers of tomorrow to spring forth from, but were instead used to reinforce the concrete of New York's new ANIMAL PRODUCT FREE shopping mall. What a total waste.

The next time one crew wants to wipe another crew else I politely request they force their targets into a competitive writing competition and let mother nature take care of the rest.