In the most recent issue of the Saddle Newsflash, I reported that a Street Auction was to be held for the ownership rights and royalties of the following newspapers:

• THE CYRAXX TRIBUNE
• THE CYRAXXXPLICIT FORUM
• Banker's Digest
• The Harold aka The Harold of the Underworld

Upon publication I received a notice from The Mafia Newspaper and Basketball Oversight Committee stating the following:

SaddleFlashing,

As a member in good standing with The Mafia Newspaper and Basketball Oversight Committee (TMNBOC) you are aware of the rules regarding the publication of newspapers upon the Streets.

It has come to our attention via an anonymous monobrowed tip that you have initiated a Street Auction without the property authority and as at least one of the publications you mentioned has paid their dues in full to TMNBOC.

The only body with the authority to initiate a Street Auction of this type is TMNBOC. 

As a result of this transgression and failure to adhere to proper protocol, your membership is hereby suspended and under review. As a result you are unable to be the owner of a newspaper. The ownership rights and royalties ("The Rights") of "The Saddle Newsflash" will therefore now be auctioned to the highest bidder in line with Rule 3b of TMNBOC Code of Conduct - Rules for Members.

You are excluded from bidding for The Rights to The Saddle Newsflash.

Remaining on the staff of the Saddle Newsflash as a junior staff member with a token salary, if deemed appropriate by the new owner, may be looked upon favourably by THMBOC at the time of your review. 

With this devastating notice of my failure to adhere to proper protocol, I must issue an apology to the numerous bidders who have come forward to purchase some of the famous publications I erroneously tried to auction off. I had no right to do this, as I have found out to my cost. There is so much egg on my face I can't even make a lobster ravioli joke because it would look like some sort of disgusting seafood pasta omelette rather than a lunchtime staple.

In accordance with the notice I must now make available the ownership rights and royalties to the Saddle Newsflash. I have little choice pending my hearing but to remain as head writer and publisher to try and become a full member of TMNBOC once again in the future.

As I already shelled out for a pitch to hold the Street Auction of those other papers, I may as well use that to auction off the Newsflash.

Bids will open at $1. 

Bidding will conclude at 12:00 on 24th February because I'm a destitute junior writer now and can't afford the rent for this spot any longer.

I look forward to working for a new owner and can promise not to quietly seethe and curse their name behind their back with every future breath I take. 

PUBLIC AUCTION OF THE SADDLE NEWSFLASH - ENDS 12:00 ON SATURDAY 24TH FEBRUARY

Warmonger hadn't been a fan of the tabloids to date. It was a fast faced world they were living in, how could anyone expect civilians with pencils to keep up? The Saddle Newsflash though... Maybe they stood a chance.

"Is this a 100% stake in the business you are selling? We're interested. I'll wire you $250,000 for an immediate purchase. We can have our people draw up a proper contract, but your responsibilities will stay much the same as they have been except you will now draw a weekly salary for your efforts - the figure to be agreed between us, but I can assure you it'll be more than you're getting flying solo, SaddleFlashing."

Warmonger slams a briefcase down, popping it open to reveal the wads of cash.

"Well? $250k for 100%. Quick sale, speak up. Are you in?"

Why would one sell an esteemed newspaper brand to an enemy of The Free Press? Even if Warmonger might have the highest bid at the moment, it would be a disservice to the esteemed profession of Mafia-Journalism™ benefitting absolutely no-one (not even Warmonger).

I am willing to bid $250,001 for The Saddle Newsflash, on top of a leatherbound copy of Systematic Immolation of Thought, said to be a priceless collector's item.

"$1,000,000."

Friends, and MonobrowedMenace, unfortunately my hands are tied here by the requirements of The Mafia Newspaper and Basketball Oversight Committee who demanded in their heavy-handed missive that the Newsflash, my pride and joy, must be auctioned. I would welcome the option to sell this to a buyer of my choosing, but alas I am unable to do so. 

The auction must proceed until conclusion and the highest bidder will become the defacto King or Queen of Saddleton. 

"I speak for some very powerful men, let that be the most obvious fact to you here, MonobrowedMenace. Our bid stands at $1,000,000."

SaddleFlashing clearly my offer was a BID for the auction (as I stated).

Warmonger's was a quick sleight of hand to try and force a sale here and now, which smells fishy much like lobster ravioli.

I think we can both agree that Warmonger broke protocol and should therefore be excluded from the bidding procedure. I'm sure the TMNBOC would agree.

I'd like to bid 1,500,000 with the idea of liquidating this stupid brand immediately and eliminating any record of it from existence

MonobrowedMenace, I can't speak for TMNBOC and if I did it would be with words encased in bile after all they have done to me. 

Warmonger may well have tried to step outside the auction parameters and negotiate a quick sale but I don't blame him. Who wouldn't want to own this? And, if it were up to me, I would have snapped his hand off before the ugly vultures began to circle. Unfortunately, it isn't up to me and the auction must proceed until the hammer falls.

In an horrible twist of fate, it will be my hand holding the hammer which determines the fate of my life's work. At the moment it looks like it is going to be chopped up, ground down and turned into ravioli by everyone's least favourite self-appointed policeman. 

The bid is with StreetSheriff in his dumb hat at $1,500,000. Are there any further offers?

Please?

"$1,500,001."

Is this an auction or a circus? I ain't gonna make a clown of myself like this feller and will raise the bidding to 2 million.

Warmonger juggles multiple wads of cash.

"Two million..." He continues flicking them around in the air. "... And one!"

This is some of the most city-slickenest bobbledoonery I've seen in some time.

Five million dollars. 

Warmonger catches the wads of cash and tucks them in his pockets.

See, these boys ain't made of money like I am. There's a lot of cash in sheriffing. It's a lucrative business, unlike mafia journalism, which is an endless purgatory of deceit and ruin. That's besides TommyVitale, who stands tall above his peers. 

I have transferred 5 million dollars into the account of SaddleFlashing. The Saddle Newsflash is mine, the final publication has been published, and it is hereby liquidated and banished to newspaper hell, alongside the likes of The Fat People News Chronicle, The Chicago Tribune, and Coconut Pravda.