TMZ

dun dun dun 

BEST TABLOID NEWS!!!  FLASHIER HEADLINES THAN THE OTHER NEWSPAPERS!  ACTUAL QUOTES AND EASILY VERIFIABLE SOURCES!!!  

From humble beginnings come great things...

That's a quote I just made up but it fits my current situation perfectly, so with that said, lets get on with the 'Zette!

---

Editor's Note: What's up y'all.  Giving my new TMZ newspaper a test run to see if I can publish one without getting killed for it like so many of my ilk have been in the past.  The difference between this paper and my relatives' paper is that this time, I was given an opportunity to be an associate of an ACTUAL CREW.  You think I'm going to squander that opportunity?  No I am not.

However, I was instructed to keep things tame, so my plans on bringing the most controversial and shocking stories that are taking place on our streets need to be stifled somewhat.  It's not how I wanted it to be, but when you're starting from the bottom like I am, you do what you need to do.

Now, am I a wealthy man?  No I am not.  Not even a shadowy figure approached me with an envelope when I hit the streets fresh off the boat.  Can't even afford raviolis for dinner, only the sh*tty lunchtime ones.  But haven't some of the greatest writers and poets throughout history died penniless?  Yes they have.  I have no problem scratching and clawing my way from the bottom.

So bear with me y'all, I hope to provide you guys with the quality entertainment you deserve, to the best of my ability,and under extreme pressure to not f*ck this up.

Please enjoy and please take note of how much cooler than the other newspapers' headlines are.

PLANET EXPRESS EXPRESSED RIGHT OFF THE FACE OF PLANET BY THEIR OWN CHAIRMAN DUE TO INTELLIGENCE AGENCY INTEL

In a turn of events that SHOCKED the nation, Professor's district was wiped clean by Godfather DangerClose, who Professor had pledged his loyaly to.  Despite his trust and devotion for his beloved Godfather-Chairman, he was turned on and killed by the same man.  Can you believe that?  I can't.  Going out like a straight-up JackRuby, Professor and his whole crew were betrayed and decimated in one fell swoop.   Godfather DangerClose made a speech regarding the massacre titled Lust In Translation, the FBN recorded transcript of which can be found on the streets.  So check that out if you want to know more, y'all.  Or, just refer to a takedown speech by any of DangerClose's ancestors and just swap the names around.  It's all the same formula.  Shoutouts to Godfather DangerClose and all his members who were involved in the successful takedown.  Shoutouts to any members of his crew who were deliberately left out of the takedown as well.  Also, rest in peace to the fallen (except for RupertGiles.)  Just kidding.  Rest in peace RupertGiles [DON'T KILL ME FOR MAKING A JOKE PLEASE, JUST TRYING TO BE HUMOUROUS AND NOTICED I SAID I WAS JUST KIDDING]

"THIS IS THE WORST NEWSPAPER I'VE READ" JOURNALIST TRASHES NEW NEWSPAPER.  EDITOR EXPOSED!!!!

One of the latest crops of newspapers to hit our streets The Kuklinski Chronicles was recently called "..the worst newspaper I've read since the release of [QUOTE TRUNCATED SO I DON'T GET SHOT ON MY FIRST DAY ON THE JOB]" said the editor-in-chief of the lackluster Harold rag, MonobrowedMenace.  It seems the inner rivalry between journalists (or 'journos' as we have been recently slurred as by @War[EDITING OUT THE REST OF HIS NAME.  DO NOT SHOOT.]

But that's not all we uncovered here at the TMZ.  No sir it is not.  We have uncovered the Kuklinski Chronicles editor to be none other than a descendant of the despised Kuku lineage!  Subscribe to TMZ for more breaking expose pieces such as this.

You know, my grandfather was once accused of being a Kuku descendant, which is of course an insult.  But now, I feel the same persecution he probably feels every day of his life.  Hunted, blacklisted, hated.  So now do you see why I'm so careful with my words?  I have an opportunity here in Chicago to make something respectable out of myself, unlike TaptGutt Kuklinski who is most likely going to keep beating the same dead horse, talking about LostBoy.  Could you imagine talking about the ame person day in and day out?  I can't.

YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT WE CAUGHT THIS NEW YORK DON DOING!!!!!

"...​​​​​​i spent it all in cocaine and hookers. Thats right, i sniffed cocaine out of prostitutes assholes."

SHOCKING revelations expose a prominent New York Don, arguably the mafia's most popular figure at the moment, was spotted doing drugs nose deep out of prostitute's heiney.   While any scandal such as this is sure to raise eyebrows, what makes this story all the more shocking was it was later determined through my own personal investigation that the prostitute was mid-shift into her work day at the time, and had just had a hearty meal on her lunch break just an hour prior, so I don't think I need to spell it out any clearer to you how gross this is.

Now, would other newspapers include this person's name in their article?  Yes they would.  Am I going to do the same?  No I am not.  I would love to, but I told the Right Hand Man of my family, street legend  TipToeTimmy that I would stay out of trouble.  Now, is this censorship being forced upon me by TipToeTommy?  No it is not.  I am self-censoring for longevity purposes.  But I'll give $500,000 to whoever an guess who the above scandal is about.  That's the best I can do.  I am trying.

Well that's it y'all.  This was a trial run.  I've tried to leave the names of sensitive folks out of this issue.  Not ideal, but hopefully you enjoyed nonetheless.  

How many letters are in the name of the woman who said the hooker/cocaine thing?