My father, SaddleFlashing, a four-time hitlist survivor, two-time #1 VIP champion, and one-time coffeshop armpit assault victim, was recently slain. He was a fat idiot who liked to ride around town shirtless and gambled his status as the most senior newsman on the Streets to try and become a media oligarch by buying up the rights to defunct newspapers like The Weekly Gazette - a move which backfired spectacularly for reasons I won't elaborate on further today but can be chased back directly to Warmonger, like a cocaine filled hooker's anus can to Gillian - squandering my inheritance in the process. 

Alas he is no more and at least, unlike in the case of Qalico, there was no need to embarrass us all by pretending we are searching for the murderer. This, like many others, was an internal hit for DNA reasons, which his boss made clear in front of our whole family at the funeral. I was consoling Mummy Flashing, who just lost her husband of 25 years and before we can even share round robin stories, harison is telling us no W/S required. Thanks for letting us know, pal, now can we get back to mourning our dead Dad or do you wanna take a piss on the flower arrangements first?

Anyway, this is not a discussion about the reasons why SaddleFlashing was killed, why my Mum is a widow or how Gillian made a whole lot of noise about how she would kill him, would have already killed him in fact but she “dont have money to travel” - how much is a flight to Vegas these days - before actually doing absolutely nothing whatsoever except impotently seethe about the whole thing. Well, sorry that isn't quite right, she did “bitch to” Al-Bundy to get him to ask Saddle to remove a reference to something she did in public from display, in what was a very awkward conversation for both of them, I guess. The guy didn't even know that it was something Gillian had actually said in a Coffeeshop which she demanded be removed, and he thought it was something mean about her. Yikes. Oh and she technically did throw her toys out of the pram in an embarrassing toddler temper-tantrum over a lack of action in the murder of Saddle which she had asked for “countless times”, some pull you've got there, Gil, before listing the reasons why she wanted it, which were unfortunately just her own stupidity being parroted back to her, which she either didn't realise or was choosing to ignore, while everyone else looked the other way and hoped one of the grown ups would turn up soon and put her back in her box, preferably with a soundproof lid on so that they didn't have to endure her nonsense anymore. So my apologies, she did do those things. Just not actually kill SaddleFlashing. But only because she couldn't afford the flight for 61 days straight, and not because she's all talk. Even though she was definitely in the same city as Saddle on the 18th of March when she picked his pocket. That didn't count either, it was the lack of like 5k thing. 

So anyway, no, this isn't about that. Pops is gone, his funeral was ruined, but I'm sure harison was placed in an unenviable position and killing Dad was the more palatable dish from an unappealing menu. Kill a loyal soldier upon whatever premise was provided or endure the consequences of not doing so. The lobster ravioli or the muesli main course, if you will, and that is no choice at all.

The conclusion? SaddleFlashing is clipped and, like Transistor giving a street speech, I am left out here all alone. I am however seeking employment for the next however long I survive until I am gunned down like my parents before me. 

I can bring a lot to the table and I don't just mean seafood jokes. If you employ me you'll get around $20,000,000 in earnings assuming I make it a month or so, VIP mapping for your district, updated full locals for your homeless lists and my cheery disposition in the crew bar. You'll get my loyalty as well, unfortunately that isn't very important nowadays, so focus on the other things instead. 

Anyone interested? You could be talking to the next RufusWatchdog over here!

My dreams of becoming the next RufusWatchdog have been crushed underfoot and thrown away like yesterday's news, or last month's news as is reported in some periodicals. 

The Music crew does not currently have any work for you.
The Slash crew does not currently have any work for you.
The BerZerk crew does not currently have any work for you.
The Ketamine crew does not currently have any work for you.
The harison crew does not currently have any work for you.
The MrSki crew does not currently have any work for you.
The Ivy crew does not currently have any work for you.
The Alexa crew does not currently have any work for you.
The Meadow crew does not currently have any work for you.
The DeadIrishman crew does not currently have any work for you.
The SpikeS crew does not currently have any work for you.

After one sad, little announcement the SaddleFlashing, FlashedSaddle story comes to a miserable conclusion like The Frequency News Network. I have nothing left to do but take a shirtless ride along Main Street and say my farewells. My children will be given different names to escape our persecution and encouraged to exercise regularly and wear shirts so as to better blend in.

Please remember me by my final words: Lobster - you fucking suck.