TomatoPantsJones stands on her front lawn with her hands on her hips. She is wearing a t-shirt with a political slogan on it, which looks like it says COPS FOR TRUM...but the letter is cut off by her denim jacket. She completed the look with bright red pants and naturally she is barefoot and looks comfortable. A Union Jack flag sways lazily over the porch. There is a sign next to her which reads ‘YARD SALE’.

OK, guys plenty on offer here so please don't be shy. I need to raise some funds to get myself a trip to Florida; take a look around, find something you like. I was thinking a life of crime was the easiest way to get there but now I'm hearing a Don from New York couldn't afford to even fly coach to Las Vegas for 61 days straight to kill a guy she despised, so it obviously doesn't pay. Yard sale it is.

I support England, what of it? You think we let the Government bark and shut us down around here? Ha ha ha, think again. Let's just say I know good humour and acknowledge it as such. Just today my Boss came to the Streets and told an absolute corker of a joke so I told her as much - Hey, hey! Don't sit on it unless you're buying it. 

Where was I? Oh mevermind. Right, over there I've got two lawn chairs, $6 each or both for $10. Contrary to popular belief they have not been sold to Gigantopithecus and they are still fully available. I am barefoot and I can assure you, I am not pregnant. 

Not to your taste? OK, kinda picky but whatever. How about this? This is an authentic, one of a kind “toughest guy in the Outside” badge. It used to belong to a man called Honesty who, legend has it, once got CommissarKuku so fucking flustered that he had to run to Mummy and Daddy. Impressive or what? I can let you have it forrrr….$20? 

What? No? Wait….are you a fucking time waster? I said NO TIME WASTERS. Get outta here, scum. TomatoPantsJones taps the Yard Sale sign. Serious offers only, please. 

Vinny perused the wares scattered across the tables with great interest. There were can openers, an old plaid apron for which could be used either for cooking or for pickling, depending on the mood of the day, and an old pair of roller skates which were missing the key...

"Too bad I'm not a size 8".

Ms. Jones was leaning back in her lawn chair with a satisfied grin. Vinny envied her. Neighbors came from blocks away to purchase a taste of her vintage household items. The neighbors envied her, too. She was a hit at all the dinner parties and, of course, she looked goooooooood. And she knew it. Vinny could feel the tingling in his loins as she spoke up about the excellent condition of the lavender ottoman.

"Just a kool-aid stain underneath and no tears in the upholstery!", she purred.

Vinny whipped his head around and saw the twinkle in her eye. The little minx knew exactly what she was doing, and Vinny knew he was powerless against her seduction. He would have to get out of there as soon as possible before he ended up doing something he regretted. Mrs. Gigantopithecus would not be so understanding if he came home smelling like a floral air freshener spray.

The badge! I'll take the badge!

Vinny handed Ms. Jones $20 and ran out of the driveway, feeling lucky to have his virtue remain uncompromised and with the comfort of knowing that he was now the toughest guy in the Outside. Hoping his luck would continue, he headed to the local pub for a game of billiards.

Do you support England, TomatoPantsJones