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Vincent had gotten a mysterious phone call in the middle of the night. Normally, he'd have not thought anything of the abrupt ringing waking him from his sleep...this was different though. The phone that was ringing, there were only two people including himself that had the number. The other was WildTurkey. Hoping like hell nothing was about to pop off in this time of peace, Vincent rolled out of bed and cracked his neck quickly before answering the phone gruffly
"What in the hell's going on boss, it's a peaceful time in this thing of ours, there's no way in hell you need my...services this early in the morning, surely?"
There was no response...Just static on the other end. Vincent scrunched his eyes together, wondering who could've gotten hold of this number. Shrugging it off, he returned to his bed to resume his sleep. Moments before he felt himself drifting off, there was a loud and ominous clap of thunder, followed quickly by a streak of lightning that seemed to land right outside his penthouse suite. Grumbling to himself he climbed out of bed and stepped onto his balcony, examining where the lightning seemed to have struck. Seeing nothing except smoke, Vincent decided to go inside and grab his gun just in case.
As he was reaching down for his gun there was a knock at the door. Scooping it up quickly and stowing it in his boxers, he walked slowly to the door as to not create any sound with his footsteps. The person on the other side had pressed their thumb against the eye-hole, so when he looked out he couldn't tell who it was. Prying the door open, Vincent warned the stranger
"I don't know who the fuck you think you are, stranger, but I assure you I have friends and family all across the country that will avenge me if you intend to try and inflict bodily harm against me."
The stranger did not take notice that Vincent was talking, instead he chose to step into the house and smile strangely, as if the threat just made to him had no bearing whatsoever. This didn't sit well with Vincent, who was known as "Vicious Viper" amongst his friends in the mob.
"Explain your purpose, leave, or decide real quick on your last words fella. Those are your options. I highly suggest one of the first two, it's the middle of the night and my temper is waning thin rather fast."
A very slight pause
"You may not believe me, Vincent "Vicious Viper" Vega, but my name is God."
Normally Viper would have immediately questioned this ludicrous statement, and he would have, except at that moment an aura of light surrounded this "God" fellow, bright enough to cause him to raise his hands to cover his eyes. Squinting through his fingers Vincent in that moment understood everything. He was going to die tonight, and there was nothing he could do about it. Out of nowhere, the man began to speak
"As if that wasn't enough to convince you, I could sit here and air out every dirty little secret you've ever held in your life Vincent. However, I'd much rather get to the point while I'm still young"
God chuckled to himself, and Vincent rolled his eyes. Even God couldn't avoid being cliche, apparently.
"In all seriousness however, after many years of taking the form of a mobster, I've decided to try use one of my personas from that life to run for President of the United States of America. I've gathered quite the pile of intel saying you're just the man I need to help me persuade a lot of others to vote for me. If you accept, I will guarantee your passage into heaven when you get shot one of these days doing your errands for WildTurkey."
Viper had trouble processing this all, but agreed instantly after the promise God offered. He knew there was no way he'd make it past the pearly gates after all the crimes he'd committed over the years
A few months later...
God no longer felt the need to knock after all the planning and scheming him and Viper had done the previous months, instead he just poofed himself into the apartment. Startled, Viper jumped and then realized who it was.
Shaking his head, he slips God a
piece of paper that he'd been working on.
"Here's a flyer I made for us to distribute. It's not much, but it's something. Did you hear who your main adversary is? Fucking Lucifer! Why would anyone choose a man who feeds on evil and lies?"
"I know my son, I know. Those that vote for him shall not be permitted entrance into heaven. The righteous shall prevail! Now, I checked our calender for this week... Is everything still a "go" for our meeting with that reporter?"
Viper nodded and continued the work he'd been doing before God appeared. Sighing to himself, he knew that it was going to be a long ass campaign.
Later that week...
Vincent decided to get to the meeting a little early, to scout out the area and settle in while he waited for God and Maria. Ordering a coffee, he lights a cigarette and takes a drag. The tinkling bell above the entrance to the coffee shop got his attention and he raised his eyes to see God walking in with an extremely attractive red head, the reporter Maria. Rolling his eyes Vincent motioned them over and listened in to the interview.
Maria: "So, God... If elected, what are some of your top priorities?"
God: Well Maria, the first thing I'd like to do if elected is work on increasing the number of jobs available to the "average Joe"
Maria: Excellent, excellent...
God: I'd also like to change tax rates nationwide. I feel as if the more money we take from people, the less they'll be willing to give.
Maria: Very true, very true.
God: I plan on using some of my own money and influence to create more factories as well. Pulling this country out of the depression is my number one concern!
Maria: Glad to hear that! What do you have to say to Lucifer's ridiculous claims that YOU are the reason this country was in a depression to begin with?
God: The claim is laughable, actually. I work in mysterious ways. I believe in free will, I will and do not interfere with the way you humans wish to run your lives.
Maria: Well, there you have it folks! God himself has spoken, now it's up to you! Personally, I'm on his side... VOTE GOD FOR PRESIDENT!
Weeks before the election
Viper and God were on their way to a fundraiser where God was expected to make a speech about the upcoming election. Both of them were calm cool and collected, nevertheless they were both anxious for it to be done and over with. After mingling with the guests for a while, Vincent walked over to God and nodded to him, indicating that it was time for Him to make a speech. God smiled slightly and walked up to the podium. Using his almighty powers he clapped and turned all the lights off momentarily, getting everyone's attention rather effectively.
"Ahem. Hello everyone, I'd like to thank you all for taking the time to come out and join us tonight! I know it was a bit of a travel for some of you, but rest assured your presence is most appreciated."
God pauses for a moment and takes a sip of water out of a cup colored like an American flag
"Let's get straight to the point... Lies, deceit, corruption... All things you all are used to and hate in politics, right?"
Quite a few people murmur in agreement
"Honesty, loyalty, and trustworthiness... THOSE are qualities you expect in a President. So I ask you, why would you vote for a man who's stood for all the wrong things for the past few millenia? Stand by me and I promise to deliver more jobs to the country!"
A few people raise their glasses and shout "huzzah!"
"More money in YOUR pocket, not the governments!"
Most of the room begins to clap
"And most importantly, HONESTY FROM YOUR PRESIDENT!"
The crowd cheers wildly, clapping their hands and whooping
"I ask thee.... Nay, I beg thee, don't allow a man who thrives on lies deception and hatred to run the best country on this Earth! VOTE GOD!"
Red white and blue confetti falls from the ceiling right on cue, as Viper had planned. He nodded to God from the front row, letting him know that their escort was almost there. Smiling back God finishes up the speech
"Sadly it is time to wrap this gathering up. I'd like to take this time to thank my family, my political adviser Vincent Vega, and all of you for making this possible! My campaign is officially over, it's now up to all of you to decide who runs this country!"
Vincent and God slipped out of the building and into the vehicle waiting for them parked out front. After months of planning, the campaign was finally over. Only time would tell who gets elected... |
