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'Fighter' part 1 Started by: JOKERAA on Oct 30, '12 02:04

"Hey, get your gloves on."
"Why? I was going to go over to Chris' house."
" Because one day you will need to know how to fight for yourself. No one will do it for ya. Especially when you see families around."
David grabs the brown worn out gloves off of the ground next to the steps, and he starts to put on the gloves while walking slowly towards his dad.
"Dad, when do you think these gangsters will die?" (Consider revising, question is too sadistic for a child)
David's dad laughs, and he puts his hand on David's shoulder.
" Not soon enough, but there's nothing we can do abut it. Just remember that I love you with all my heart, and I don't need you getting hurt or in trouble. You're my only son, and I love you more than anything in the world. Remember that."
2 months later
"Wake up!"
David turns over in his bed.
"What time is it?"
" Time for you to get up," joked David's dad while standing in David's doorway.
" We are going to the clothing store, and then we have to go to a business meeting at a party (Business meetings and parties generally don't mix, you should probably pick one and stick with it). So get up, you have 15 minutes," said David's dad walking out the doorway and into his room.
David grabs the covers and throws them off his head. He gets up, only in his shorts, and he sits still on the bed trying to wake up. He opens his dresser seeing only a pair of pants and a black shirt. He starts to get dressed and turns when he hears his dad say,
" David you ready?"
" I'm coming," said David who was in a hurry now.
David sprints out the front door and jumps into his dad's 1948 black Fargo truck. David remembered how his dad always loved that truck after sitting in the familiar seat.
30 mins later.....
After coming from the clothing store, they pulled up in the parking lot for his father's meeting. They parked in front of the building, then David grabs the door handle ready to open it, but his dad grabs his arm.
" Wait, I wanted to give this to you before we get in there."
David's dad grabs a knife out of the glove department and he cuts a whole in the middle of the floor board separating the driver and the passenger seats. He pulls out a necklace with a key and some diamonds on it. One diamond in the back with the handle on it and one where the key goes in the whole. His father starts putting it around David's neck and says,
" Don't let anyone see this. It's very important. And I need you to take the truck keys in case I get drunk." His father then winked to make sure he knew he was kidding.
They walk in through the front door of a club that seems to have a lot of money invested in it. As they opened the door there was a narrow hallway with a counter on the left.
" May I help you?" says the man at the counter.
The man had dark brown hair and a scar that was to his eyebrow to the side of his nose.
" Yes, I'm to see Mr.Walker." said David's dad while swallowing and hoping he said the right words.
" Down the hall on the right." Said the man who then points in the right direction.
David waited outside. He waited and waited, until about four hours later David hears things being thrown. David gets up instantly and runs to the room he see's his dad hit a man with a right hook followed by a left hook and knocks him out. Then another man comes behind him and swings a baseball bat, he misses and David's dad pulls a knife out of his pocket and stabs him in the neck. David hides behind the corner wondering where that guy is that let them in is at. David looks back and a man walks up to his dad with two women beside him.
" You are a good fighter but where is the key?" said the man who was eyeballing his dad.
" Sorry i don't have it," said David's dad.
" Fine. You die then," said the man while rearing back and punches him in the jaw.
David's dad falls down and gets back up. The man grabs him and and swings him into the wall, and gets on him and begins savagely beating him. David wanted to jump in but he knew he would get killed. The man gets up after turning David's father into a bloody mess and looks at what he had done. David's dad was laying down bleeding out of his every cut on his face.
" See you in hell." said the man
The man pulls out a gun and begins to take aim. David runs in the room and grabs a pipe and swings it at the mans face. Before he hits him in the face the gun went off. The man falls down screaming and being comforted by his girls. David goes to his dad and shakes him.
" Dad, come on dad.-"
" Get that little bitch!" said the man screaming.
The girls turn around and try to grab David. David dodges the tackle and runs right out the door into the hallway. He looks back and see's the two girls and that guy from the counter chasing him. He goes through the front doors and sees the truck he sprints even faster to the truck. He tries starting it in a hurry and see's them run at the truck. Finally the truck starts, and he slams it into reverse. After gaining some distance from his pursuers, he slams it into drive. Once he gets on the road he sees that no one chasing him and starts to try to calm down. He looks back one more time to make sure no car is following him and in a second a Semi truck smacks the drivers side and flips the truck into a wall by an alley. David is hanging upside down after the accident, and is quickly dragged in the alley by a man. David could not tell what was going on because he was dizzy and could not move.
" I'm going to keep you safe kid."
STAY TUNED........

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I would love it if i had peoples thoughts. Good or bad. So it will help me out in the future.

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If you're trying to get into writing in-character role plays or stories you need to pay more attention to keeping it in the era of the game. The 1920s and 1930s... Also, don't post each part in its own thread.... You'll get less positive reaction if you do. Try keeping it to one thread so you don't appear to be spamming for experience points.

It's not bad...

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You might want to try and change up your format and structuring, so it is more appealing to read. You'll get a better response if the story isn't a big wall of text.

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Yeah i had it all neat then it screw everything up lol. But thank you

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The WYSIWYG editor has a tendency to do that. It's best just to use the old editor, especially if you are cutting and pasting something in.


It's simple, just use the tags for italics and bold and whatnot. In the Help forum there is a thread with XHTML tips that should help.

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But do you think its a good story?? Should i continue or leave it?

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Should i continue or leave it?



Yes. There's some good advice here, use it to become a better story teller/ roleplayer. Remember, it's a good thing people like you are making an effort to post something on the streets. Something we all should do more often.

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You have been given some very good advice i like that you keep trying to write things i can tell you really want to write something that will grab people and have them demanding more i like that if you continue please take the advice offered and go with that.

All the best mate KURGAN

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ok thank you all for the advice i really appriciate it

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So When i make part 2 do you think i should post it under this or make a new one??

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Post on this.

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This Forum Is For Non RP Talk About The Game (AKA OOC)
Replying to: 'Fighter' part 1
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