The Tabloid Special Retrospective Edition
Dread Pirate Pickles: Dread-Editor-In-Chief
FROM THE EDITOR
For all you loyal readers who have been paying attention, you’ve noticed the next regular issue of The Tabloid News will be the 50th issue! But, before we go “on with the news” we would like to take you back in time on a journey through the past several years of high quality journalism and hard hitting stories that The Tabloid News brought exclusively to the gentle readers of this august publication. So . . . on with the old . . .
From Issue II
DARK PHOENIX LINKED TO MR. 47After having been linked to artaniS and the Loch Ness Monster, more doctored photos have come out showing Mr. 47 and Dark Phoenix walking out of a local bar hand in hand, smooching. When asked for a comment, Dark Phoenix said she still preferred the Loch Ness Monster to Mr. 47 or artaniS. “Nessy smells better than 47, and at least it pays for dinner, unlike artaniS.” When 47 was asked, he said “I learned all of my picking up women techniques from Ashton Kutcher.” Mr. 47 plans on dumping Dark Phoenix for doctored photos of him and Demi Moore.
From Issue III
THE INCREDIBLE DRUNK ON THE WAGON
The Incredible Drunk has decided to become The Incredible Teetotaler after recently entering a 12-Step program at the Betty Ford clinic, and attending several AA meetings. TID has unfortunately been drinking coffee like water, and taken up smoking 10 packs a day.
From Issue V
SAM THE AMERICAN EAGLE'S RETURN PROPHECIED
After a lengthy phone conversation with Miss Cleo, famed infomercial psychic, the return of SamTheAmericanEage was prophesied. She said it would "be on a Tuesday, and not to marry that woman because she just wants you for your money." According to the prophecy, when the jails are all full of everyone, the Eagle shall return and free the land.
From Issue VII
MR 47 IN LEAGUE WITH SPACE ALIENS
After much investigation (and personally cutting crop circles into his HQ lawn), we have come to conclude that Mr. 47 is in league with aliens. Our proof? Mr. 47 has his own crew. Such an occurrence could not be possible without extra-terrestrial help. Some would claim divine intervention, but, please, it's Mr. 47! Also, look at members of his crew. Have you ever heard The King talk? Definitely not from this world. In return for his own crew, Mr. 47 promised he would deliver his crew when the aliens returned. He said they'd be wearing the proper Nike's and drinking Kool-Aid. The ailens also left Mr. 47 a book entitled, "To Serve Man." Experts are still working on a translation.
From Issue X (The very first appearance of the “Ask Red Watch Advice Column”)
ASK RED
-- by Red Watch
Dear Red,
I'm having troubles with several of my male friends asking me to marry them. It's been only a few days, but I have had more than one proposal in that time. What should I do? I don’t want to hurt their feelings, but I want to stay single.
Feeling Stalked
Dear Feeling Stalked,
Don't despair! If nothing else, you can always threaten them at gun point to leave you alone! You could also quit dressing like a tramp and teasing the boys. You're best bet, though, is to become a nun, but not Father Pat’s nunnery!
Red
From Issue XV
DICK GOZINYA INVOLVED IN HIGH SCHOOL SCANDAL
After a month long investigation by the school board, it has been revealed that Dick Gozinya forged papers allowing him to become the head coach of the varsity cheerleading squad. The investigations started after allegations against Gozinya. Apparently, visits to the school nurse about birth control pills by the local talent had quadrupled. Cheerleaders were cutting their other classes to “work out” with Dick, and five pregnancies were reported among the squad.
From Issue XVI
EDITOR OF TABLOID DENIES CHARGES
The editor of The Tabloid News, Mr. Pickles, denied charges before a journalism committee that he makes stories up because he’s too lazy to look for real news. “These allegations are completely unfounded. Every story we write is checked and double checked for accuracy.” He also denied charges that he puts out a tabloid just to see his name in print.
From Issue XVIII
MORE REPORTS FROM PICKLES AND DUCHAMP’S NON-DATE
Duchamp visited Pickles at the local HQ bar on a Friday night, and told him she wanted to see him drunk. Feeling this was a request he could easily fulfill, Pickles and Duchamp went out the next Tuesday. After Duchamp showed up 20 minutes late, they had five minutes of awkward conversation, and stared at each other in uncomfortable silence the rest of the evening. Mr. Pickles continued to drink heavily and chain smoke, while Duchamp enjoyed her cigars and a few drinks. At the end of the evening, she went home, and Pickles was left with a $70 bar tab. Duchamp reportedly ran away sobbing, screaming something about 3 hours of her life she could never have back.
From Issue XIX
UNCEL NICKY TO GIVE PRESENTS OVER CHRISTMAS
Uncle Nicky has promised to act as a good uncle should, and give present to all the good boys and girls of mafia land for Christmas. Although finding a good little goomba would be difficult for even St. Nick (not Corleone), we’ve been given permission to reprint some of the requests Uncle Nicky has received. Below we have condensed them.
Dear Uncle Nicky . . . for Christmas I want a . . .
- New Gun
- Faster Getaway car (blue, if you’ve got it)
- A new HQ
- A 47 Enterprises Lock Smith Set
- Access to Pat McGroin’s porn closet
- A date with Captain Kirch
- Peace on Earth, Good Will Towards Men (from Premier)
From Issue XXII
TRUTH ABOUT STEEL DAWN REVEALED
Much like the Warren Report on Kennedy’s assassination, the truth about Steel Dawn is being revealed for the one year anniversary of her crew, the Dawn of Glory. The official story is that she was cut down by an assassin’s bullet, but what really happened? Historian and local professor Professor Plum released this statement, “It was Miss Scarlet in the study, with the lead pipe.” However, no evidence can be found corroborating his statement. After countless months of research, we have discovered that her death was fraud! Steel Dawn, in collusion with the FBI, faked her own death to enter the witness protection program. She is now living in Des Moines, Iowa under the name Iron Dusk.
From Issue XXIII
TIGGY CONFESSESS ALL
Illicit sex, thievery, bribery, and pouring Rogaine on hairless rodents were just some of the sins the esteemed editor of a rival newspaper confessed to The Vile Deacon. In fact, her sins were so bad, the gods identified her this way . . .
Name: tiggy
Rank: Godless Heathen
Status: Repentant
Other sins she omitted before the cleric, but were discovered by the tabloid news include, but not limited to . . . jaywalking, littering, donating Monopoly money to charity, lewd acts with a typewriter, and over $503,950.34 in unpaid parking tickets. She has also been known to violate several grammatical rules, and even worse, she has lied about facts in her newspaper, claiming to have researched but really just made them up . . . wait, that’s me . . . nevermind.
From Issue XXV
NUDE PICTURES OF RANDLE McMURPHY RELEASED
The so-called pillar of the community, Randle McMurphy has been shamed with recently released nude photographs of himself. The famed editor of The Mafia Gazette had taken naughty pictures of himself in college to earn extra money. Now, after escalating to a position of some prominence in the publishing world, he has been disgraced with these torrid photographs. “They told me they would be artistic. They told me they wouldn’t photograph my face! They told me they wouldn’t be published.” wept Randle when asked for a comment. The Editor of The Tabloid News would have nothing to be ashamed of if he were to be photographed in the all-together
From Issue XXVIII
FATHER TEQ INVESTIGATED BY THE VATICAN
There has been an investigation into Father TeQ by the Vatican after several Bishops found out what TeQ had been preaching from the pulpit. Apparently, during Sunday Mass, TeQ has been advocating the opposite of several commandments. It would seem that Father TeQ has told his parishioners not only to steal from Old Ladies Purses, but also from 7-11’s. It’s been rumoured that TeQ has dipped his hand in the orphan’s fund on more than one occasion. TeQ has also encouraged the younger women of his church to engage in fornication and adultury, something only expected of Father Pat McGroin, until now that is.
From Issue XXXI
RANDOM WACKERS REPLACED BY RANDOM PRANKSTERS
In a reported fit of boredom, MoneyPenny and Mr. Pickles wandered through the six cities leaving flaming bags of poo on people’s doorsteps. Whereas this was not the most dangerous acts of random violence, it certainly qualifies as some of the more bizarre random acts. These actions were not limited to one rank, but were evenly dispersed from Wise Guys to thugs. Several injuries were reported, but also sadly one death. Paladin of Arousal died while trying to stamp out the flaming poo. His son, Paladin of Death told us that PofA ‘caught fire, and fell out his 20th story window onto some bullets.’ Truly tragic.
Ed. Note - Unfortunately, some of the archives were destroyed in a fire, so me must jumpt to . .
From Issue XLI
PREMEIR NOT REALLY RUNNING A CREW
Chicago’s newest big-wig, Premier, has set up shop under the guise of running a criminal empire of merciless miscreants committing crimes and giving him a share of the profits. This is completely untrue. Premeir’s Spanish Inquisition is nothing more than a front for a sweatshop where he forces his crewmembers to make cheap clothing for a mysterious mafiosa named M. Stewart in Connecticut. She takes these clothes made with the blood, sweat, and tears of Premeir’s “crew” and sells them in local five and dimes and department stores. Premeir could not be reached for comment.
From Issue XLII
AIZLYNN LOMBARDI SEEN TRESPASSING IN ZOO
Ms. Lombardi has been arrested on charges of breaking and entering and inciting riots at the Lincoln Park Zoo in Chicago. She was apprehended in the penguin’s area dressed in a tuxedo. Detectives have determined she was trying to raise an army of penguins for her own nefarious purposes. At her trial, Lombardi told the judge “but, penguins are so cute! They work hard, and they do my every bidding. And, they’re perfectly dressed for dinner parties!” She has a restraining order against her keeping her 500 yards away from any zoo, or any herrings, with which she had been bribing the penguins.
From Issue XLV
LOVE GUN’S LOVE WATCHAnyone who was paying attention to last issue will know that LoveGun was last seen in a romantic dalliance with Santa Clause and the huge problems that caused Roman. Our star society columnist has now seen LoveGun entering a hotel by herself. Upon further investigation, it appears that LoveGun spent the entire evening with two men named Ben & Jerry. After serious investigation (mostly putting an ear to the door), LoveGun was heard screaming about how wonderful a Chubby Hubby was. Then she started yelling about Cinnamon Buns! Finally, she was heard raving about a Dublin Mudslide which is probably best left without description. She also made several references to the Karamel Sutra. It is unknown at the time of publication whose overweight spouse this was, and LoveGun could not be reached for comment.
CHUCKLE EXPOSED AGAIN!
Chuckle, infamous editor of the bird-cage liner The Chuckle Knuckle, has yet again proven his evil nature. Chuckle was seen at the Lincoln Park Zoo in Chicago inside the kangaroo cage bouncing the little baby joeys into their mothers’ pouches like a basketball. He was also seen dangling them upside down by their little tails over the tiger habitat, much to the confusion of the tigers, since it is well known that a tiger’s best friend in a zoo is a kangaroo. When grabbed by the zoo keepers, Chuckle said he was holding the mini-roos upside down to remind them what it was like back in Australia. A restraining order has been issued.
Ed. Note – And, now I’m tired of digging through old dusty boxes, re-reading literary greatness, so I will send this issue off to the presses, and then supervise the French Maids as they clean my office |
