The Calamari Edition III November 25th 2012
Small Fry: From The Editor
Edition III of The Calamari is brought to you by Dunder Mifflin Paper Company, supremacists in paper production and wood of the morning variety. Frankly, we have never seen finer paper and would like to offer our warm thanks to Toby and his family for taking on our supply needs, which may or may not be limited to print-related matters.
I hope you enjoy this week's edition and apologise once more for the lengthy, lengthy delay. Grab a coffee, whiskey chaser or a vial of goat's blood - whatever your poison - and take a seat. This issue is pretty fat.
Enjoy!
War - New Dawn Fades
We have decided to use our editorial prerogative to cover the recent war with but a few simple words. Of course, we could get into a rehash, but frankly that horse has been flogged to death and, despite what Pickles claims, our editor is against cruelty to animals.
And so, here it is, our official position on war commentary at this time:
Let sleeping dogs lie.
Granted, some of them aren't quite asleep yet, but for the love of God people, let them get forty winks.
Pickled Tink: Dread_Pirate_Pickles Continues Anti-Calamari Campaign, Aided and Abetted By Captious3.
We are led to believe that our favourite villain, Dread_Pirate_Pickles, has now hired an accomplice in his mission to hurl turdballs at your most esteemed newspaper, readers. However, we at The Calamari are much more concerned with his futile attempts to disguise his real lineage.
Some will be unsurprised to learn that Pickles is not in fact a descendant of the Dread Pirate clan; rather, we have it on good authority that he merely wishes to avoid the embarrassment of his bloodlinks to the lesser known Arrrrse Pirate clan.
Our staff would like to urge Pickles to accept our white flag of peace; The_Red_God (a more enraged version of the one who performs the funeral ceremonies? We may never know) recently alluded to his preoccupation with LilacDelaney's tongue, advising him to break the obsession. We are inclined to agree, having witnessed first-hand the effects of Ms Delaney's vocal whip.
Dear Cassi: Dedicated to Captious3
We thought it was time for a treat, folks. And what better way to treat you all than with an agony aunt segment? Introducing our new addition, Cassi, with her forever-flowing font of wisdom.
Hello Calamari readers! I have recently been given the honor to be included in this wonderful paper! BUT! I need your help! Yes you! I'm going to be starting up an advice column called Dear Cassi, but I need letters from you! Anything and everything you may need advice on, Dear Cassi is here to help! The more the merrier! So please send me your letters so that I can share your problems with the world as I extend my great knowledge to you! I'll include a few samples below just so you know I'm no phony. I look forward to hearing from you soon!
Sincerely,
A Cassi In Waiting
Dear Cassi,
So I have this problem. I am in love Dear Cassi. With a very important man. But I'm starting to feel like things are not mutual. I write him letters, he never responds. Every time I fly to the same city he's in, he ups and leaves without a moment's notice. He's even been seen shooting at some of my family members! What can I do to make him open his eyes and see what is standing before him??
Sincerely,
Hoping to be Mrs TylerDurden
Dear HTBMTD,
I'm not sure I would call what you are in love... I believe there are laws against what you are doing actually. I would suggest that you tone down the stalking before it gets you thrown in jail. Although there, you would receive more love than you ever thought possible.
Sincerely,
Apprehensive Cassi
Dear Cassi,
When approaching a level 7 dwarf at a bar is it appropriate to buy her a regular cocktail or an elixir of some sort made by a wizard? If you do recommend the elixir, what level wizard would it be appropriate to have conjure up this beverage? What would be your recommendation as to what this elixir should be? I have tried roofies in the past but roofies only work on level 1 dwarfs.
Sincerely
Gandalf the Dwarf Hunter
Dear Gandalf the Dwarf Hunter,
I believe that your first mistake here is assuming that you can approach a level 7 dwarf. Why are you setting your sights so high?? What is wrong with the level 1 dwarf?? I mean seriously... If the roofies are working, why fix it if it ain't broke?
Sincerely,
Common Sense Cassi
Dear Cassi,
My girlfriend has insisted on knowing things about me that I feel she does not need to know this early in the relationship. Her persistent nagging to learn this information has caused a rift in our relationship and I am concerned that it may lead to us breaking up. I am really fond of our relationship and the last six months have been amazing. How can I convince her that with time she will learn everything about me but right now I'm not ready to tell her some things?
Sincerely,
First names are personal
Dear First Names Are Personal,
Some people just don't know how to mind their own business! I mean seriously, where does this girl get off trying to get personal information out of you?? Aren't you giving her enough of yourself by spending time with her? I think you should just put your foot down and tell her she is on a need to know only basis. When she needs to know, you will tell her.
Sincerely,
Guarded Cassi
Gimme Shelter: Sponsor a Homeless Civilian
Take a look around. Let that glance turn to a stare. You're surrounded by swarms of scurrying, hurrying people in need. Can you spare a few moments of your time and the click of a button? Are you willing to take someone under your wing (provided you've had a good wash first)?
Woah there, Betsy. Take your time; slowly, softly, catchy monkey. They're fragile creatures, these newts that swim onto our shores. Be gentle. Be loving. Be a listener. Coax them into our ways; mould them in your own image and that of your forefathers. Introduce yourself, invite questions and supply the answers.
The rest will take care of itself.
Economy Ruined By Pickles' Pink Tricycle
Any day is a good day for a trundle on one's tricycle...or is it? This week witnessed catastrophe as Dread_Pirate_Pickles, in a fit of boyish adventure, decided to take his brand new pink tricycle for a spin through the streets. His joy was short-lived as within moments of receiving a ''Ready, steady, GO!'' from DonBot, he crashed headfirst into Marketplace HQ, causing it to erupt like a money-spewing volcano. Credit prices plummeted so hard that the floor of the building resembled a meteor crash site.
DPP, who has declined to comment due to being ''very, very important and late for curfew'', is said to have looked on in horror as the remains of his tricycle were recovered from the wreckage. Witnesses say the only identifiable feature were the rainbow tassles.
Kuku-Clock Fails To Chime
Every once in a while, we pause and reflect when a member of the Kuklinski clan has failed to emerge from the shadows and promptly die a disgracefully tagless death. Our editor's mother is known to have once paraphrased Einstein by stating that this individual is known to most as being ''full of sound and fury, but signifying nothing.'' Said white noise was fairly recently snuffed out, but we are yet to witness the arrival of whichever son was unfortunate enough to be handed the family mantle.
However, sources have referred to a spate of fresh rat droppings being littered throughout the cities, leading to speculation that something Kuku this way comes. Clearly, he surfaces to feed his incessant hunger for garbage, but hasn't acquired a sufficient stash at this time to warrant another pseudo-saviour speech in public.
We wait with baited breath...Well, some might. I'm washing my hair.
Borgata Blaze Blamed On Poignant Cigarette
Most mobsters are known for being heavy smokers, and as such their puff of choice can be categorised two-fold. Some enjoy a premium Cuban cigar, particularly in times of celebration. However, for the most part, our streets are plagued by something quite different - the Poignant Cigarette. Until now, nobody has uncovered the threat posed by these things; but, The Calamari takes health and safety seriously. It's one of those essentials we like to ''fact chack''.
Ladies and gentlemen, Ma'ams and Sirs, please take heed. Poignant cigarettes are most likely to strike in moments of deep thought, as recently discovered by LilacDelaney while she sat at home in The Borgata HQ. After supplying Mudkip with his daily ration of meat, she wandered into her office to hunt for some rum. Soon afterwards - following a thorough dose of inebriation and private sentimentality - she fell asleep on the office floor, allowing her Poignant Cigarette to fall onto some correspondence and thus resulting in a fire that engulfed the entire two square feet of her room. Sneaker happened to be passing at the time, so she retraced her footsteps and returned with marshmallows so that she and Lilac could enjoy some Smores over an exhilarating coversation about crayons. Being superhuman, Lilac was unharmed, but she was deeply saddened to find that the flame had licked some varnish from her desk.
Mobsters: Exercise vigilance at all times against these perilous mistakes. Put it out, or it might just put you out.
SquidMaster in LHM Snatch Shocker
It appears that Chicago's own Godfather Squidmaster suffered from a momentary lapse of reason this week when he attempted multiple times to kidnap LilacDelaney from directly under Timothy_Petrov's nose. The Calamari's cunning investigative journalist - who shall remain nameless - managed to get their hands on the following evidence:
Nov 22, '12 22:56 SquidMaster demands that LilacDelaney join his crew. (Accept) (Decline)
Nov 22, '12 22:56 SquidMaster insists that LilacDelaney join his crew. (Accept) (Decline)
Nov 22, '12 22:56 SquidMaster will pay in kind if Lilac joins his crew. (Accept) (Decline)
Nov 22, '12 22:56 SquidMaster will imprison Lilac with his many tentacles if she does not join his crew!! (Accept) (Decline)
Well, well. Seems the Squid has seen something he likes and isn't very keen to let it pass him by. We asked Lilac's Crew Leader, Don Timothy, if he wished to pass comment and here is what he had to say:
I can understand godfather Squidmaster wanting to snatch up The Borgata's own LHW. Unfortunately with Lilac gone no one would be at home to feed Mudkip when I'm out running errands. The last thing I need is to come home and find him nomming away happily on a thug's leg.
Meanwhile, Lilac continues to be inundated with mail, gifts and and endless shower of compliments as Squid pursues his ambition. She says:
I mean, I like flowers. And I like chocolates. I even like the odd bribe. But this? I'm not that kind of girl. Squid, your tentacles are fierce, your power boundless; but I cannot abandon Timothy and Mudkip. Not only do they need me to take care of Mudkip's cannibalistic tendencies - they need me to run the show while they play poker for nudey girl collector's cards, not to mention supplying Timothy with large pots of Irish stew. It's all the man will eat. Then there's Sneaker - who will supervise her crayon play when Brandy isn't around? Not the boys, I can assure you. They're too busy drawing lipstick on one another.
Enkindle Refuses to Leave Jail; Claims Porridge Addiction
Mafiosi everywhere have been scratching their heads in wonder as Enkindle stages a jailbreak protest, surrounding himself with 24 guards and chaining himself to the toilet in his prison cell.
Sources claim he can be heard screaming, ''It's the porridge! I can't leave the porridge, those damn creamy oats just keep me coming back. I'll do it again! I SAID I'LL DO IT AGAIN IF IT GETS ME PORRIDGE!!''
One guard has said Enkindle has even resorted to burying his face in the nutritious breakfast, giving up entirely on spoons as they are, ''...nothing but a God damn middle man wasting my time.''
We will all unite in praying for a resolution to Enkindle's personal torture. Please persist in attempting to free him; together, we will succeed.
A Final Word
Finally, we at The Calamari wish to express our deepest condolences for all of those who recently lost their lives in the war. Rest in peace. We would also like to wish our newest arrivals to This Thing of Ours luck, fortune and longevity as they venture into pastures new.
Thank you all and see you next week!
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