What's the difference between the Mafia and the Government? Only one of them is organized.

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were' protecting.' Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job, figuring if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing. In his first week, the deaf collector picks up more than $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money, and stashes it in a safe place. The Mafia boss soon realizes the collection is late and sends some of his thugs after the deaf collector. The thugs drag the guy to an interpreter. The right-hand man says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?" The deaf collector signs, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the main man, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking abo ut." The main man pulls out a. 38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?" The deaf collector signs, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park just east of the big fountain." The interpreter's eyes light up, and he says to the thug, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger."

A Mafia Don comes home and finds his wife in bed with his RHM. The RHM is swarmed with thugs and is beaten unconcious. he comes to and looks around, he is naked in a toolshed with his dick squashed tight in a vice. The Don takes a torch and cuts the handle of the vice off and pulls out a very large knife and stabs it into the work bench. The horrifed RHM screams "your not gonna cut my dick off are you?"

The Don replies " no, YOU are, I'm merely gonna burn down this shed"

What's invisible and smells like Carrots? - A rabbit fart.

A mafia guy came home from work in a pretty good mood.

"How was work, Honey?" His wife asked.

"I got good news, and I got bad news," he told her.

"Well," pondered his wife, "I'll guess I'll take the good news first."

"Okay, get this," he boasted. "The boss gave me an important new job, and he's paying me FIFTY GRAND! I start tomorrow."

"That's fantastic, honey! Did you tell your best friend, Vinnie, yet?" She excitedly gushed.

"I said there was bad news, too, baby," he frowned. "Vinnie's dead."

"Oh my God, no! Vinnie was the best!" She cried. "He gave the kids a nice present every Christmas! When did he pass away?"

The Mafioso looked down and shook his head. "Tomorrow."

WARNING: THIS JOKE MAY CAUSE OFFENSIVE, SO IF YOU HAE NO SENSE OF HUMOUR, DON'T READ IT, OR, NO DOUBT YOU'LL GET OFFENDED.

When God was writing his commandments, he needed to find a group of people to give them to.
So first he goes to some Arabs and he asks: "hey Arabs, do you want some commandments from me?"
The Arabs reply: "maybe, what are they like?"
God says: "Well, one says 'thou shalt not murder'."
The Arabs look at each other and say: "Nah, sorry we're gonna have to pass on that one."
So God keeps looking and he finds some Mexicans. He asks them the same question. They respond: "Hang on, what are we getting here?"
God says: "um... one of them is 'thou shalt not steal'." The Mexicans reply: "Sorry, cant do it."
So God moves on. 
Eventually he finds some Americans and asks them if they would be interested in his commandments. 
The Americans respond: "Depends what we get?"
God says: "'Thou shalt not take my name in vain' is one."
The Americans stomp their feet: "God(*)(*)(*)(*)it, cant take them."
While he's there he finds some African Americans. He asks them if they'd be interested in his commandments.
They respond: "What have they got?"
God explains: "Well one says, 'honour thy mother and father'."
The Africans Americans reply: "But we dont know our fathers, so that's useless."
So God walks away in disappointment once again.
Increasingly bewildered, God finds some French, and he asks: "Hey Frenchies, you want some of my commandments?"
They respond: "Possibly, what are they like?"
God says: "Well, one says 'thou shalt not commit adultery'."
The French start giggling: "You've got to be joking, we'll pass."
Well, God's nearly given up. What's the point looking anymore when humans are so faulty? But then he finds some Jews. He approaches them: "Excuse me, Jews, would you like some of my commandments?"
The Jews look around, then at each other. They talk amongst themselves then one of them asks God: "We're interested, but what's the cost?"
God replies: "Oh there is none, they're free."
The Jews respond: "We'll take Ten."

which kind of bees make milk?

...BOOBIES!

Haha boobies...so here's one. Probly heard this before though.

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed. "Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take my 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me." And the grandson says, "But grandpa I really don't like guns, I'll have your Rolex watch instead."

"Now you lisina to me, some day you gonna be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple of bambino, some day you gonna come home and maybe finda your wife in bed with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to your watch and say, "TIMES UP"?"