The Calamari: Edition Something Or Other

Editor's Garble

It's late and I want to get drunk. Maybe I already am. Nonetheless, it is vital that I bring to you, my ever devout readers, the latest in the news from Mafialand. I have scoured the seven cities like a rabid hermit panning for gold in order to give you something upon which to feast your eyes; I hope that my findings won't disappoint.
With thanks to Miss Brandy Decima for her saintly patience and supreme interviewing technique, we have an interview with none other than Tricky_Dick, who is not only the trickiest dick in the Mafia, but apparently also the biggest. I will, of course, respond to all letters stating the contrary in my next edition. Photos on a postcard, please - VinceNoir will judge.
Furthermore, please take note of our appeal to all those currently suffering from dilemmas of an emotional/moral nature. We need YOU to spill your guts to Cassi, our resident Agony Aunt. Either things are awfully sunny upon these shores, or we're missing something. Where are your problems, people? We want letters from lovelorn stalkers and complaints about rampant sex pests. Get ON it, mobsters. Spill all your beans and let us count them in the cold hard light of day.

The Biggest Dick In The Mafia: By Brandy Decima

On my quest to interview the biggest dick in the mafia I looked no further then the guy passed out on my couch after a long night of us partying with blunts, babes and the coolest mofo in the mafia, HYFR. Sorry, old timers. The biggest dick in the mafia isn't the great (x54) grand son of that guy from back in the day who killed thousands of innocent mobsters and pissed on their graves to amuse his coffee shop friends. No one remembers who he was anyway, except for that other guy who holds grudges about everything ever did to his bloodline. Forget the past, my friends. This interview is a glimpse of future of this thing of ours. God help us.

The popular and controversial mobster, Tricky_Dick recently slid into the position of Right Hand Man to Godfather Phil Steak. Does Dick measure up to the job vacated by Cassi? What does Dick enjoy most about working hands on with the most powerful mobsters in New Orleans? Is Dick laying low or does he plan to play hard ball? Is Dick going to follow his father Whitey's footsteps and become a crew leader? No one gives a shit about any of these questions. The people who care deeply about Dick and have known him the longest have much harder questions for the biggest dick in the mafia.

Brandy: It's no secret you've proposed to hundreds of women a few pretty lads. Roksana's life won't be complete until you tell us, who do you really want to marry?

Dick: I REALLY want to marry Roksana - The White House is in a state of disarray, the Oval Office has cocaine and strippers littered all over the floor. The Whitey House Lawn is covered in SpikeSpiegel's urine, There's a Rabid Bunny/Dictator running around rampant and eating all of my good chocolate, Clownshoes hasn't done laundry in months... Really I just need a housekeeper.

Brandy: When I told Vegeta I was interviewing the biggest dick in the mafia he said he's the biggest dick. Sadly he wouldn't send me proof for us to laugh over, but he did send a question. Does it bother you that in a recent poll of the population, 89% of women believed you to be gay?

Dick: Everyone knows that 89% of women in this thing of ours aren't really women. TELL VEGETA HE ISN'T FOOLING ANYONE WITH THAT WIG. I KNOW AN ADAMS APPLE WHEN I SEE ONE.

Brandy: The king of abs, ClownShoes wants to know what's the average day in the life for a big dick?

Dick: I wake up and stroll over to my window on the second floor of the white house and piss out of on to all the peasants- I-I mean 'citizens' below. Then I walk over to my nightstand and do a few lines of blow- I mean uhh poetry. Yeah I write a few lines of poetry in the morning. Then I stroll downstairs and read the morning newspaper to see who I need to assassinate. Uhh! I uh mean, how the ball game went. Yes I check the newspaper for the sports ha.. haha. Then I talk a walk with my dog SpikeSpiegel and try to get him to urinate somewhere other than my lawn... Then I cap a few cholos CAUSE FUCK THE WEST SIDE YO. Then I retire to the oval office for some... alone time. In short, if I did not need to deploy my AK, it was indeed a good day.

Brandy: Another question from ClownShoes. I think this guy is obsessed with you, Dick. How many rings pops do you attempt to give out daily?

Dick: You know, I can't blame clownshoes for being obsessed with me. It does bother me a little cause he does look like someone who's seen one up close. How many ringpops do I give out in a day? WHAT IS THIS A FUCKING TAX AUDIT. GET A JOB YOU FUCKING HIPPY. I GIVE OUT RINGPOPS AS I SEE FIT. IT'S NOT AGAINST THE LAW IF YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT GET OFF MY BACK.

Brandy: Liza, the beautiful bearded lady from Chicago wants to have your babies. Are you going to hit that?

Dick: That, my friend, all depends on the location of the beard.

Brandy: One of your stalkers in New York wants to know why your father Whitey named you Tricky_Dick? He also wants to know if you wear boxers or briefs. Fucking weirdo.

Dick: I have a stalker in New York? I demand you divulge the name of your source under the patriot act that I have just passed without congressional approval that I wrote up on a cocktail napkin at the watergate hotel, ignore the launch codes in the margin... Boxer's, I'm not fairy.

Brandy: Finally the most important question of the interview is from me because I love you the most, Dick. There has been a lot of criticism about you being outspoken. Do you have any special words for your critics?

Dick: My fellow Americans, I would just like to tell you. That I am NOT a crook. I am a hardworking American just like every one of you. Also, it is now the official policy of this administration that any criticism of The Supreme Leader Mr. Tricky_Dick, will be responded to by locking you in a cage of mutant rats with peanut butter smothered on your genitals and eyes. Thank you, and have a nice day.

Detroit No Longer An Orphan: Revolve Takes GodFather

In quite probably the most significant news to hit the streets this week, it gives us considerable honour to give mention to Detroit's new GodFather, Revolve, who acquired his new and highly revered position within the last few hours.
From all of us here at The Calamari (especially the tea lady, who is adamant that your marriage proposal is merely around the corner), we wish you many congratulations and the best of luck as the new Grandaddy of The Motor City!

Revok: Please Put Some Clothes On

The Calamari staff were stricken to discover that shortly after his public plea for a tailor, the last of Revok's quickly dissipating threads fell from his body, leaving him exposed to the mercies of the elements.
Although many of his female fans are quite delighted to find that he is currently strutting around like the naked Emperor, some others aren't so pleased.
''Really. We all know he's got the body, but must he flaunt it? He's stealing all my thunder,'' cries one mobster as his throng of lady-followers quickly dissolves into nothing before his very eyes.
So there you have it. The latest cause to hit MafiaLand: please help put some clothes on Revok.

Katniss and LilacDelaney Caught Red-Handed in Sordid Affair; Intrigue Devastated

Dirt, dirt, who's got the dirt? We do!
It appears that right here in The Calamari HQ, the tea lady happened to stumble across a rather suspicious rendezvous between our own editor in chief and Katniss of New York crime syndicate, L'alleanza Leale.
They were discovered in a compromising clinch on the floor of The Calamari's unisex bathroom [Ed: We're very ahead of the times.]. When asked to comment, Katniss stated:
''We were just playing The Hunger Games.''
Meanwhile, Intrigue was seen throwing bags of clothing belonging to Lilac Delaney onto the street while hollering, ''You promised me! You said no more women!! You need to see a doctor! What about our cheesesticks, Lilac? What about our gammon??''

Closing Statement

We have had to cut the news short here as Lilac is has now retired to her wine-filled bath in order to soak in alcohol, gorge on sausages and lament the airing of her dirty laundry.

Katniss reads her favorite paper with a small smile, shaking her head as she trips over the words in the article detailing her evening with Ms. Delaney. She glances up at a few giggles and there, standing several feet away, a small group of men and women point at her, talking behind their hands about her and exchanging some heavy wiggling eyebrows. With a small flush she steps over and pushes the paper down of the nearest man, exposing his red, laughing face. He looks confused for a moment before his eyes widen in guilt. Addressing the group, the teenager places her hands on her hips, the newspaper she held now crumpled up in her fist.

"Funny, is it? How would you feel if your most embarrassing and intimate moments were spilled across the front page of a paper? I wager that none of you would dare show your faces around here. So keep quiet if you know what is good for you."

Turning on her heel she hesitated for a moment before whirling back around and exploding:

"And we WERE playing the Hunger Games. And they were sexy and smutty and I enjoyed every minute."

And with a parting smirk the young girl wandered back off in the direction of her family's HQ, eager to get her work done for the evening. Perhaps she would visit Lilac later.

Lilac, who had been sitting quietly in the corner of the room reading her own glorious newspaper, overheard the commotion. She waited until Katniss departed before calmly putting the paper down, rising from her chair, adjusting her bosom and striding across the room to the young adolescents who were still sniggering.

''You know, just because your names weren't in the paper doesn't mean I don't know anything about you. You there, with the spots. I know all about those pictures of your crew leader. Does he know you sleep with them? Does he know they're stained? No, I didn't think so. And you, with the bumfluff for a beard. Word has it even hookers refuse you because there's nothing to earn a dime with. I mean, I don't have to name names, but let's face it: I could. I could wrath all your asses to shits without moving a muscle. Cross me again and the only warm thing in your beds will be your own blood soaking through the mattress. Capiche?''

Lilac removes her hands from the table and steps back, adjusting her bosom once more and reflecting on how badly she needs to get a proper fitting some of these days. Finally, she slides a cigarette from the pack on the table - presumably belonging to one of the pubes she'd just reprimanded - lights it, and sets off for her HQ, disappointed that the gobby little shits can't even afford a pack of Poignants.

After Intrigue has read the latest addition to The Calamari she sat and ponder and wondered what was best to do about this situation of having her personal life made public like this. She thought for a good while.. a whole 1 minute.  She then came to the conclusion that with it being the last day of the year to just let it go and move on. Intrigue then wrote a note saying 'I forgive you Lilac' and attached the note to a courier pigeon to send upon his way to her.  "Off you go Percy, to the usual place!"

After Intrigue has read the latest addition to The Calamari she sat and ponder and wondered what was best to do about this situation of having her personal life made public like this. She thought for a good while.. a whole 1 minute.  She then came to the conclusion that with it being the last day of the year to just let it go and move on.

Intrigue then wrote a note saying:

Darling Lilac,

I forgive you and always will be here for our fun and games..

Love Your Lushy Intrigue xxx 

and attached the note to a courier pigeon to send upon his way to her.  "Off you go Percy, to the usual place!"