Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow: Editor's Garble
Ladies and gentlemen, Pickles and his salty nuts have now departed Calamari HQ, leaving behind a detritus of pistachio shells, disturbed and dishevelled staff members, not to mention some charming graffiti on my bathroom mirror.
I return to my desk here at The Calamari in the safe knowledge that some French maids have received sufficient recovery time in order for them to be able to walk without limping and a small collection of Swedish children have new socks to warm their little tootsies.
As a matter of interest, I had some of the French maids sent for STD testing. One of them was never returned. For this, I offer a public apology to Dread_Pirate_Pickles, but would ask that he exercises caution in future when arranging his perverted parties. I fear she may have suffered at the hands of a mercy kill.
Anyway, join me in breathing a sigh of relief as we return to delivering real news.
We're All Going To Hell
In honour of Godfather DeadlySin's year anniversary, we were all invited to indulge ourselves in the seven deadly sins in return for fame and monetary gain. At first, many celebrated by delving straight in to fits of lust-hunting, shoving their hands in people's pockets (which may or may not have been lust-related, we aren't sure) and searching for the laziest bastards they could find.
However, when the hangovers kicked in this morning, priests across the six cities found themselves overwhelmed by hordes of mobsters descending into confessional boxes wringing their ma's rosary beads.
It appears that during their moment of genius, the brains behind DeadlySin's birthday festivities forgot that Mafiosi are, for the most part, of Italian Catholic upbringing and did not consider the onslaught of guilt that would inevitably follow.
Most mobsters, like any good practising Catholic, are capable of committing anywhere up to three of the sins cited in The Holy Bible during the course of a day without much fear of divine intervention. The usual approach involves a small period of repentance at one's bedside, including one Hail Mary for each sin committed and five Our Fathers, preferably recited at lightning speed and punctuated by pointing one's right hand toward one's head, followed by the left and right shoulder in quick succession. This is typically enough to repel any smiting from The Lord Almighty - but to even allow the possibility of seven sins to enter one's mind warrants a different situation altogether.
Father O'Reilly, resident priest of Chicago's busiest chapel, God's Crib, told us of the chaos that unfolded while he relaxed in his vestry with an altar boy and a good old game of chess:
''Jesus, Mary and Joseph, it was just awful. I had a crowd of fellas fighting at the Baptismal font trying to get their heads in for a mouthful of Holy Water. One of them came running at me and tried to kiss my feet, pleading with me to absolve him. Another one laid on the floor at the Altar and curled into the foetal position while sobbing and singing hymns off one of the Mass Service fliers.''
Harrowing news indeed. Our thoughts and prayers go out to all those mobsters currently fearing an eternal death in Satan's lair.
Stop Enjoying The Silence
Chicago's Stoned Silent has announced the return of Daze Craze 420, the radio show where he yanks innocent passers by off the street and invites them to spill the verbal dirt. This is all very well and makes for wonderful listening, but here at The Calamari, we have discovered a secret...
Sources claim that during his interviews, Silent is in fact holding his subjects at gunpoint while forcing them to eat copious amounts of luncheon meat that is said to be surprisingly chewy and peculiar to the tastebuds.
Meanwhile, a number of well-known criminals have been reported missing soon after their appearance on the show, sparking fears that they may have met a grisly fate as reprisal for going public with their identities.
They Chew You Up & Spit You Out
Priests were further horrified this week at the behaviour of our own Ms Delaney, who managed to both marry and divorce Tricky_Dick within a matter of days.
Witnesses say that Ms Delaney, who was known to be on the lookout for a new husband in return for a dowry of a pound of sausages, accepted Tricky_Dick's ringpop and joined him in the Whitehouse to celebrate their shotgun matrimonials.
Bravery was attributed to the New Orleans mobster when rumours emerged that Ms Delaney, in a fit of rage due to discovering his crusty toe jam, unveiled a secret detachable penis with which she proceeded to threaten him. Mr Dick remained undeterred by the monstrosity due to his reknowned trysexual status.
The final straw was dealt when Ms Delaney arrived home to find Tricky_Dick in a rather compromising position involving a trout. No further details are available at this time, but we have it on good authority the scene was an ugly one. Within seconds, she had divorced him and claimed the Whitehouse for alimony purposes.
Once again, Ms Delaney is single, but says that she will be taking some time to explore herself before taking male company.
Mr Dick is now said to be having an affair with Ms Delaney's lawyer, Chad Bruchler, who is also known as an award-winning bodybuilder and champion florist.
The Calamari Faces Paper Drought
Unfortunately, readers, we bring these last words to you on our final shred of paper. Pickles ate all of our Dunder Mifflin supplies and until the next consignment is due for delivery, we are forced to turn off the presses and let them go cold.
Nonetheless, hope springs eternal as our pregnant administrator, Rhonda, devoured several sheets during a craving and reports horrific constipation that spanned over two weeks. So, if you happen to encounter Pickles and he's walking with an odd gait, offer him some prunes.
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