The Tabloid News LIII
Dread Pirate Pickles: Dread Editor-in-Chief
FROM THE EDITOR
I should never have offered that insider look into The Tabloid News offices. Now every upstart with a tea-cup thinks they can write a paper! Well, I’ll show them! If it’s going to be like this, I might as well start reporting on the real issues of the day, and leave the Big Foot Romance Bureau behind! But, who am I kidding? If I did that, I’d be denying my journalistic heritage. So, it’s back to the ol’ typewriter with me to churn out the best damned Tabloid, period! To coin a phrase . . . On with the news!
TRUTH BEHIND THE SURF AND TURF CONFLICT
Squid Master (the surf) was shot by Phil Steak (the turf). These facts are not in dispute. However, it is no longer clear if Phil Steak acted alone. Several eye witnesses claim they saw Phil fire from a school book depository, whereas others say they saw him fire his shot from a grassy knoll. The wildest of accusations hint that Mr. Steak might have been acting as an agent of the OSS (Office of Strategic Services). Some evidence leads to a communist plot by the People’s Worker Party of Boston. Others, still, believe that the Editor of The Tabloid News in a fit of yellow journalism hired Phil to shoot Squid to boost circulation while using this event to write scandalous stories about the affair. Rest assured, we at The Tabloid News will probably forget about writing a follow up article by the next issue.
FREE SPEECH IN QUESTION
Due to the shouting match of he said/he said in the streets, and the repercussions taken by the gods and leaders of the six cities, some people have questioned if the rights to free speech are being abridged. As defenders of journalistic integrity, The Tabloid News is going to prove free speech is alive and well in the six cities by editorial . . .
Phil Steak is a big fat poopy head who smells like three day old limburger cheese.
Lilac Delaney has questionable more fiber and cheats on Bigfoot with Dracula.
Deadly Sin has ears that make his head look like a trophy for Ugliest Godfather!
If Dread Pirate Pickles is still alive when you finish reading this article, it will be proof that free speech, at least freedom of the press, is still protected.
BOSTON REMAINS EMPTY DUE TO LOCAL STONECUTTER’S LODGE
Godfathers of the four populated cities will not be allowed to set up “experiments” or “competitions” or expand in any way into Boston. The secretive Stonecutter society will not allow it. Proof of their firm grasp on the birthplace of liberty is shown most by their complete denial of any underworld activities and insistence that they are innocent. However, an anonymous source sent us a recording of the last meeting they had.
Who controls the British crown?
Who keeps the metric system down?
We do! We do!
Who leaves Atlantis off the maps?
Who keeps the Martians under wraps?
We do! We do!
Who holds back the electric car?
Who makes Donbot a star?
We do! We do!
Who keeps Boston free of crime?
Who takes LA from the airline?
We do! We do!
Who robs bodyguards of their might?
Who rigs every Durden fight?
We do! We do!
Editor of The Tabloid News and alleged No. 1 of the New Orleans Stoncutters Society has no only fired the reporter, but categorically denies the organization’s involvement in anything.
ASK RED WATCH: ADVICE COLUMN
Dear Red Watch,
The question of loyalty has been asked a lot lately, and I’m just not sure what to do. Help me!
Signed, John Q. Public
Dear Everyone,
Yes, it is extremely disloyal to read any other paper than The Tabloid News and you will go blind if you do it too often.
Red
Dear Red,
The Corrupt Agent on my payroll hasn’t said anything nice to the local drug dealers about me, and they won’t sell me extra units. How can I fix this?
Signed, Drugless in Detroit
Dear Drugless,
Did you remember to pay your Corrupt Agent AND bring him doughnuts?
Red
STREET REVIEW
In order to save everyone time, we have scanned the streets and, without listening to the speeches, have reduced them to a brief synopsis to save everyone the time and energy of having to pay attention.
Tea Time! by Katniss – Tea is an excellent beverage to read The Tabloid News by.
Girls Night Out by Katniss – somebody is going to be doing some very bad karaoke by the end of the evening.
Donbot’s Fables by Donbot – Donbot has been drinking again.
Boston, A City Bare by His – A guide to local nude bars in Boston.
Steak and Calamari by Phil Steak – A food review.
A Star Falls, Another One Brightens by Space Cowboy – An introduction to astronomy.
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