The Tabloid News LV
Dread Pirate Pickles: Dread Editor-In-Chief

FROM THE EDITOR

I know many of you have thought the good guys at The Tabloid News have fallen asleep in our offices, and have forgotten to write a new issue.  But rest assured, gentle readers, that we’ve just been spending most of our time trying to find the offices.  It has been very confusing lately.  But here we are, once again, so on with the news . . .

ALIENS INVADE, TEA TIME SUSPECTED

That is the only explanation our evidence supports.  The esteemed editor of The Tabloid News fell asleep in New Orleans and woke up in New York.  The editor of The Squid Ink, Lilac Delaney, fell asleep in Chicago and woke up in Detroit.  And, to throw off suspicion, Tea Time contributor Katniss went to sleep in New York and woke up in Detroit.  But ZomBee went to sleep in Philadelphia and woke up in Philadelphia.  It is suspected that aliens, with the aid of the Tea Time contributors, transferred everyone and their homes to different cities as part of an experiment on the human race.  Many are asking why Philadelphians woke up in the same familiar streets they left the night before.  ZomBee is reported to have surrendered to the alien overlords and gave them as much assistance as she could.  When the human race because enslaved, we all have ZomBee, Katniss, and Cash to blame.

AIRLINE UNION WINS SHORTER WORKING DAYS

The Airline Union has finally won a long contested legal battle to have shorter working days.  Instead of flying certain routes every hour, some routes such as New York to Chicago are only being flown twice a day.  This new ruling is expected to increase tourism and local shopping while people wait for the next flight back to their homes.  Most tourists do not agree with the Airline Union that they need a shorter working day.  Many are now worried about being stuck so far from home fearing a severe onslaught of homesickness.

THE TABLOID NEWS GETS LESSON IN JOURNALISM

Despite the seemingly blasé attitude of The Tabloid News for libel law, we have just learned that if you put the word “alleged” or any variation thereof, you can say whatever you want without recrimination!  It is all protected by the 1st amendment.  Ain’t the constitution grand?  It’s like a journalistic mulligan!   So, with this new freedom, we have a slew of new stories for everyone . . .

Vaticus allegedly steals lunch money from Kindergarten students.

Toby allegedly does not recycle.

Lady Fighter allegedly does not wash her hands after using the bathroom.

Deadly Sin allegedly calls 900 numbers on a regular basis . . . 1-900-BIG-BEAR

Phil Steak allegedly wears women’s underwear.

Katniss allegedly eats orphans.

Space Cowboy allegedly hires handicapped prostitutes.

ZomBee allegedly sucks her thumb.

ASK RED WATCH: ADVICE COLUMN

Dear Red,
I though Valentine’s Day was a day to show love, but Epsilon shot totally disrespected me with a water gun.
Signed, Pickles

Dear Pickles,
Why do you ask me for advice when you have an entire paper to make fun of people?  Also, obviously Epsilon doesn’t love you.
Red

Dear Red,
Why does everyone hate my crew so much?
Signed, Tyler Durden

Because you’re a foreigner!  You’re from a different city!  Duh!  Just be grateful you’re from Delaware City and not from Vancouver or another Canadian city or else it would be worse!
Red

VEGETA: THE MAN AND THE MYTH

New York’s newest crew leader Vegeta may not be known to everyone, but he is well known to this reporter who served with him in New Orleans.  So, what manner of man is he you ask?  I will tell you.  Vegeta is the type of man who will claim to be Pick Pocket friendly, but then run to the police like a little girl just to see you thrown in jail.  He is the type of man who will take the last doughnut or slice of pizza from the crew dining room with no regard for anyone else.  He also drinks milk from the carton.  Vaticus agreed to speak with The Tabloid News on the condition that we keep him anonymous.  You think he would know better by now.  “The reason I let Vegeta set up in Queens is because I was tired of him running around the HQ naked after he took his shower, IF he took a shower!”  Said Vaticus, “He’s somebody else’s problem now!”

BlackHand picks up a copy of the newspaper and starts to read. After a few minutes BlackHand turns to the mafioso standing next to him.

"This was an amusing read , but I wish it had a little more content. I did get a good laugh out of it though."

When the mafioso does not answer, BlackHand tucks he newspaper under his arm, and walks away.

After going to the bathroom and washing his hands, Sinfest cant help but chuckle a little bit more from the reminder of an article in this latest dish of news. Hell, Sinfest thought, he didn't even need to pee til he read the paper. And it was the reason he needed to go in the first place. Sinfest knew he would be reading this paper's next issues for the remaining time he was on this planet. Sinfest couldn't really stick around too long and chat though. His daughter needed him at home tonight and he needed to get going. Maybe he would let his partner to read the paper when he got home after some business Sinfest was already late for. Sinfest tucks the paper into his coat and hails a taxi to his next job.

It's morning again, with a few loud beeps of Admirals alarm he is brutaly ripped out of his dreams. After a quick shower he pulls out his suit from the large closet. The fresh breeze carry's the smell of bagels and coffee to his nose. Walking down to the local coffee shop his attention is cought by a young boy selling The Tabloid News. 'Great!' Admiral thought to himself. He gives the boy 5 bucks and with a big smile grabs a copy out of the kid his hand and continues his stroll to the coffee shop.

As he takes a seat at a small round table and orders the usual. He opens up the paper and starts to read...

'What an amusing paper this was again' went threw Admirals head as he finished up his coffee and bagel. Revived and energized Admiral hits the streets and starts an other day of hard work on the streets.

Mr P was taking his usual afternoon walk through the streets when out the corner of his eye he spots a news stand. He heads over and picks up a paper and places a few dollars on the side. He opens it up and starts laughing as he walks on down the street to carry on with the days business.

Lilac applauds with vigour. She then tosses The Tabloid News' latest offering over her shoulder and hunts down Mr Pickles.

Well. Someone's back on form, I see. I'm so conflicted right now...Torn between rejoicing at the return of my long lost literary enemy and sheer fury at the fact that I will now have to re-employ my word monkeys in order to rise, once again, as your competition.

I was saving that money for my sex change, Pickles. How could you? Katniss won't have me unless I can provide her with the necessary benefits of the male appendage.

Inhaling deeply, Lilac stifles a growl, instead opting to clench her fists and hoist her bosom as she leaves the vacinity in search of a cheap back alley surgeon.

Slow and labored, the tortured mob-lowlife TheHumanCentipede crawls out to complete its chore of fetching Vegeta's newspaper. The centipede pieces groan and writhe in agony as the front piece picks the paper up to awkwardly crawl it back into the HQ. The front piece looks up at Pickles and nods.

An entertaining read, my friend. Can't wait to have to crawl out here and fetch the next goddam one.

Sadly, it circles back towards the HQ while the center and end piece unsuccessfully attempt to cry out "please kill me" through tears and muffled gagging noises

*Epsilon find a copy of The Tabloid News laying on his desk in his Queens office, slowly he begins to pick it up and thumb through the articles, becoming more and more engrossed in the articles he walks across into the Boss' office and tell him to stop going Super Saiyan for a few moments until he can read in peace. Epislon returns to his chair to continue reading when Gambit1 comes running into his office mumbling somehting about a recent promotion. His enthusiasm was extremely over powering. Around 20 minutes later after multiple contratulations, high fives and hugs exchanged between Epsilon and Gambit1, he finally left his office. Epsilon leans back in his chair, and with a powerful exhale he sits up again finally able to resume reading, or so he thought. There was yet another commotion coming from outside his office, this as getting a bit much to handle. Epsilon climbed from his chair, yet again charging towards his office door, flinging it open he yells*

"SHUT THE HELL UP"

*Epsilon turns around a final time locking his office door behind him, shutting it with such force the "do not disturb" sign crashes to the fall. This would have been a significant loss if people actually adhered to it in any way shape or form. Epsilon sat quietly for what felt like the hundreth time and was finally able to enjoy this fine publication. A short while later Epsilon rolls up the Tabloid News and rises from his office desk.*

A great read Mr Pickles. I realise in the current economic climate it is challenging to keep small publications like this running. I applaud your efforts.