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There once was a great man who walked these streets. This was a man who was known and beloved of all. His reputation was so towering and mighty that you might assume the man himself was a disappointment, but I can assure you he was not. I'm just a lowly ugly fat wanker, but this man, he was incredible. He took a young Assoco beneath his wing, smothered him with knowledge, guidance and know how. He pulled him from the gutter and made him into a model member of Vatican crew. This man was an inspiration, a genius, a saint, a prince and a master blower in his time.
UglyFatWanker pauses, casting his ugly fat mind back to happier, thinner times.
This man was of course, the tremendous Roberto_Carlos (Consigliere). He now lies cold in his casket, but this was out of choice for no man could kill Roberto_Carlos (Consigliere) without his consent. Oh no. If I was a gambling man, which I'm not, I'm an ugly fat wanker, I would put my life savings on the fact that whoever killed him is now consumed with remorse and considering taking their own life. It is ok though, do not fear. Roberto_Carlos (Consigliere) was a caring man, a kind man and a forgiving man. He would not hold it against you. Go free. Leave your guilt behind and continue with your life. Roberto_Carlos (Consigliere) forgives you, so God forgives you.
UglyFatWanker sniffles away a tear.
For me though, there can be no continuing. My life was devoted to my hero, everyone's hero, Roberto_Carlos (Consigliere). I remember the first time he bathed me and how clean I felt afterwards. I remember the first time he taught me to ride a bike without stabilisers and how proudly he smiled at me as I raced round the garden. I've still got your Action Man in my basket, Boss. Don't worry. He's safe.
Whilst his human body is lifeless, his teachings could not be more prominent. Who could forget how be fair be it as round robin how is the round robin be? Not this UglyFatWanker, certainly not.
But alas, my time is done. I wish it was on me to continue the work started by this paragon of virtue, but it is not. It cannot be me. His legacy will survive and his genius will permeate every morsel of every soul. And then we will find peace. Each of us.
UglyFatWanker raises a podgy fist to the sky and starts to shout.
DON'T WORRY BOSS.
DON'T WORRY.
I WILL NOT LEAVE YOU ALONE.
I WILL BE WITH YOU AGAIN.
UglyFatWanker takes a shuddering breath and pulls a gun from his pocket. He struggles to get a fat finger onto the trigger and points it at his own head.
Rest in peace, Roberto_Carlos (Consigliere). Not just a man, but a legend. A sexy legend. |
