A word from the editor/monkeys at typewriters:

Welcome ladies and gents to this first edition of Hello People Heat, a glossy gossip mag for all your celebrity gossip, news and style tips. I hope you become aware very quickly this is not a real newspaper and I must apologise I couldn’t find any good celebrities from the 1920s that were willing to do an interview so you will have to make do with our local Mafioso, but the crème da la crème of Mafioso no less. Being a first edition I’m open to your suggestions to improve and if all else fails at least you have some new toilet paper for the HQ. If you’re mad and think this has a future and want to help please feel free to get in touch and I’d be happy to take you on-board.

Also a side note from the editor, I'm looking for anyone interested in poker that will want to set up a competition or play for fun. Please mail me or comment below, thank you.

Rockbusters

Right lets start you off with a game to get you thinking whilst you read on. Some of you may be familiar with this game or heard of Blockbusters. Basically I give you a clue and some initials and you have to guess the musicians name. For example: "He doesn't like women, yet he's got a couple of kids. That's a bit weird."

The initials being P D and the answer: Puff Daddy. You get the idea. So I will give 5 clues and initials and please mail your answers to me and I will pick winners.

(I will try and give everyone a large prize but if I have 50 winners you may have to settle for something smaller, i'm not made of money)

So the five clues are:

1. I was in Texas, I landed on my knees in a puddle. (WH)
2. You've been dunking that for too long. (LB)
3. That'll never get off the ground. (LZ)
4. Don't be selfish, hand some of it out to your mates. (C)
5. He's got American coins all down his spine. (N)

So there you go, hope theres something for everyone. Even if you cant get all of them still mail me what you got and you still might be in line with a prize.

Competition closes in 48hours.

A sit down with Chicago’s finest.

Hello there, How are you doing today?
Sammy Garcini: I'm doing well, thank you.

Cpt-Haris: I'm very well thank you, yourself?

Wild Turkey:  Great thank you.

Now I hope you have your brain hat on because I am going to hit you with some serious questions.
What is your diet routine? (Any tips for keeping fit)
SG: My diet routine is portion control, a good portion control will see you staying fit as a fiddle.

CptH: I don't diet, I'm too lazy to.

WT: For me personally, I stay away from any ovens or deep friers. But, I think that is a personal issue. Other than that I stuff myself with a pound of stuffing every night, along with a continuous stream of alcohol.

If you were on a desert island what one item would you take?
SG: A bodyguard, there's nothing like having a guy run around and do everything you need to do. I imagine an extra pair of hands on a desert island would be pretty helpful!

CptH: A Sat Nav so I could find my way back home. 

WT: My gun. Do bullets count as extra items?

Ever had a crush on another mafioso?
SG: Yes, a few. There names for their own protection from their own ego's will remain undisclosed.

CptH: Yes, AlbusDumbledore. There's something about that beard that gets me every time. 

WT: Every day. We are quite close.

Ever had another mafioso declare their love for you? (Please keep the list short)
SG: Many. I wouldn't be able to list them, the list is too damn long!

CptH: Many times, but I won't name and shame anyone other than Severe :) 

WT: Never, I am a turkey. Turkeys do not usually keep life long mating partners

Your favourite place to hang out?
SG: Our family coffee shop is my favourite place to be. As well as a few places in the business district. It's a right laugh down there when it gets going.

CptH: As if you need to ask. The Blue Oyster of course! 

WT: Tobys Bar in Chicago, or the various IRC cafe's. #Morningwood, #LightsOut, #LoyalAlliance.

Are you really the perfect role model to a young mafioso? Any naughty secrets?
SG: I very much have an old school mind set. So maybe I'm not the best role model for some of the newer mobsters around. I do try though, and I think they appreciate it.

CptH: Being honest, probably not. Naughty secrets? Many, but they wouldn't be secrets if I told you now would they ;) 

WT: None, they call me perfection.

Your routine when you first start log on for the day?
SG: I check my mailbox, my personal events, and then get on with the day to day running of the city.

CptH: A fry up whilst going through my correspondents. There's nothing like a heavy breakfast to kick start the day 

WT: Before I even log in my day begins. I look at the recently deceased list on the front page to prepare myself for any good/bad news. Usually bad.

Whats your perfect snow day?
SG: Any snow day is a good day for me. I fucking love the snow!

WT: One with a durden spawn.

Now we all know you guys are the most poweful and richest people in Chicago but are you still in touch with the common people. How much does it cost a basic gangster to fly from Chicago to Detroit?
SG: I have literally no idea. I don't know how much it costs for me to fly from Chicago to Detroit. That's what happens when you're rich, you don't give a crap about prices!

CptH: I haven't a freaking clue. 4k? 

WT: I honestly could not tell you. It has been a long time since I was a lowly Gangster with 0 Bodyguards. Also, the system has changed completely since said time. I do not know first hand, but there is a reason I always kept my taxes low when I had a larger family. I know from experience it is not easy to make something of yourself, and someone sucking up your money from above doesn't make it any easier.

When was the last time you had to ask for drug prices?
SG: Five minutes ago, today, yesterday. All the time. You're never too old or too powerful to ask for drug prices.

CptH: A day or two ago? I usually just keep my eyes peeled rather than ask around. 

WT: About 20 seconds ago on IRC avenue. It is a constant battle with the recent district changes.

And finally whats the Best whisper you've heard, this can be one of your own.
SG: A lot of whispers are pretty shit to be honest. I know mine are some of the worst. I once saw a song as a whisper many many years ago. While I didn't understand it at first, it was the song the opposition were playing while taking my great great great great grandfather down, so, probably the best of a shit bunch.

CptH: I don't think I've heard any good ones yet. Shame really, I like a good chuckle.

WT: I don't get whispers very often myself... But I have heard a few good nursery rhymes and great banana bread recipes told over a death whisper.

Well thank you very much for your time gentlemen, it’s a pleasure to get into the minds of gods.

Ermslayers top style tips.

 

Spring is finally here so its time to put away those winter coats and get the shades out. Here's fashion guru Ermslayers top tips:

 

1. Warm weather means more Sundresses, try a warm color to match the warm weather.
2. Time to ditch those winter boyfriends and start looking for a summer stud, so loose the jeans and throw on some high waisted shorts or frilly skirts and show those legs.
3. Lost that tan over the winter, no problem slap on the fake stuff. Cover yourself head to toe in fake tan, will give you more reason to show off your body.
4. Decide each day what part of your body you wanna show off, tits, bum or leg. Never all three or you'll be dragged in to prositution rings for the wrong reasons.
5. Boys; if the suns out loose the suit (but not the crest, never the crest. Get it tattoo'd on). Take of that jacket and let it hang out. You can still conduct business in a flowerly shirt.
6. I'm hearing more and more "How do i get blood stains out of my favourite blouse", well i'll tell you sister you wear that blood, accsesorize! Turn those blood splatters into a pattern.
7. Now you're all thinking, "But Ermslayer without my suit or jeans where will I hide my guns and drugs?" Err hello, handbags! You keep your dog in them so why not your gun and coke but remember accsessorize-break up that block of white with some glitter or flowers glued on the plastic.
8. These tips also apply to your bodyguards out there, I dont wanna see swarms of black suits walking around, yuck! Break it up with shades, get your bodyguards to decide on a look for that day and make sure they dont clash with you.
9. Now this is my all time top tip, wear turtle necks or scarves that will cover that adams apple.

 

And most importantly, Tip 10: Be Glamorous, Be Happy!

Mafia News from Around the World:

You've been fitted with cement paws.

In Italy the mafia regularly used dogs to transport drugs or for protection when guns were not to hand. Dogs were vigorously trained to hold all the characteristics of a good mafioso. They would be diciplined, obidient, fierce and good at evasion. The mafia started using them for more work such as running money across town quickly and safely or because of their strong noses they were sent out to collect money or drugs from people that owed. Most dogs in the Italian mafia were higher ranked than the people and its rumoured the term GodFather is an anagram of DogFather.

Mafia insulted

The mafia community was disgusted today when they heard news reporters compare Richard Murdoch (young up and coming media mogul) to organized crime. They said the way Murdoch denied any knowledge of his employees actions was like the actions and words of the mafia. They also draw on the comparison of having an old, ill man at the head of the company that cannot be seen as evil or sent to jail. However there was uproar in the streets from the mafia who said being compared to Murdoch was like being compared to Hitler. The mafia have since taken the news reporter to court and done their utmost to loose the image that could in any way be compared to the media mogul.

And to conclude this first edition of Hello People Heat lets close with another competition.

Wordsearch/Treasure Hunt

Right i've created a little treasure hunt. I start you off with a clue to someones name. You must follow the clue to where you will find another clue and so on. After a few you will come across a little phrase in capitals, a password if you like. First person to post that phrase (or password) below will win... lets say 2 credits. The first clue is:

"These are good in a Gin and Tonic"

Good luck.

Sighs in relief.

It's a massive relief to see Ermslayer's top style tips, i was starting to doubt my whole style! I know feel invigorated knowing the secrets to remaining glamorous!

I'd better go now as I have to track down the answer to the treasure hunt, I certainly look forward to the next episode of this publication though, excellent work.

CHICAGO RULEZ RIP

That is all.

Success! You have transferred 2.00 credits to Elijah

Congrats, that was very quick, good treasure hunting work

Thank you very much, Sir. This is a fantastic venture that you have come up with and I hope that you keep at it.

Good luck in all you endeavors with ' Hello People Heat'.

Three hours remaining on the RockBusters competition and at the moment only one entrant who is looking to win a large prize on his own. If you wanna chunk, get guessing.

RockBusters results!!!

Thanks to those who took part, the correct answers were:

1. I was in Texas, I landed on my knees in a puddle. (WH)= Whitney Houston (Wet knee houston)
2. You've been dunking that for too long. (LB) = Limp Bizkit (limp biscuit)
3. That'll never get off the ground. (LZ) = Led Zepplin (Lead zepplin)
4. Don't be selfish, hand some of it out to your mates. (C) = Cher (Share)
5. He's got American coins all down his spine. (N) = Nickelback

The four winners are: BazookaTooth, Cpt_Tycho, Neville and King-Pitt, they will each be rewarded with a quarter of a millions dollars. Congrats.

It is very good to see a paper hit the streets once more, and I am proud that the editor is from our very own Chicago. This is a fine start to something that could be a very good publication, Joga. Congratulations, and very well done!

...Although I am disappointed that none of the Chicago Godfathers have mentioned me as their secret crush, when I constantly declare my love for all three of them. I guess I'm not trying hard enough!

Katniss pouts before smiling at Mr. Benito. She shakes his hand and nods her head, grabbing a few extra copies of the paper to pass along to friends and family.