OldYeller steps up to a podium to address the gathering crowd. His face pale and sweat dripping down his cheeck.

People of the streets I stand before you with a scary realization. I have been seeing these family members coming to our streets from Delaware. I have seen them die then reappear. This has been a troubling trend that I had to look into. I decided to go through some old family notes and movie pictures. I went to the bank and opened up the family safety deposit box and started going through all the old heirlooms. I cam across a reel of film and put it into my briefcase to take with me back to the L.O.S. HQ. Once I got there i set up the projector and began watching the film. 

Let me just say I was shocked and appauled to see my father standing there, I never had the chance to meet him as he died while I was just a baby. The message he was conveying to the people of the streets shed light to this Durden thing we all deal with regularly. 

OldYeller walks over to the table set up next to the podium and flicks on the projector he has set up there. The bulb on projector whirrs to life and an image appears on a sheet nailed to the wall of the building behind OldYeller.

Ladies and Gentlemen, please watch...............

As you view the sheet on the wall you see a man standing on a soap box and hear the mumbled words:

Ladies and Gentlemen I stand before you to tell you a tale of my early morning walk around the city of St. Louis. By the time I am finished you will have a whole new outlook on our friends the Durdens. This tale begins shortly after I woke up this morning, after reading my newspaper at breakfast I decide to go for a stroll down the street outside my office. After walking for only half a block I noticed a dark figure duck down the alley between two buildings. I proceeded to follow at a distance as I was not too sure what I was about to encounter. About half way down the alley I saw the figure step into a lighted area so I stopped and tried to focus on his face. After a couple seconds I realized who I was looking at. None other than TylerDurden himself. Quickly I started to back away so as not to be noticed, too quickly however. I kicked a bottle that was laying on the ground of the alley and made quite the noise. Looking up quickly I saw that Tyler had in fact heard the noise and got spooked himself. In his haste to make a quick get a way something slipped out of his jacket and he did not notice it. After a couple minutes, when I was sure the coast was clear, I walked over to where the object had fallen and noticed that it was a notebook. I picked it up and read  the cover which was written "tYlR DuRDn" in crayon and below that was "SeKritz of dA DuRDnz". Of course I was interested in what was inside so I quickly took off and headed back to my office to read what I had found. I studied the notebook for the next few hours and I have to say I am quite shocked at what I have revealed. I now come to you to tell you a few of the things that you will be shocked to here.    

Things you didnt know about: 

TylerDurden

Sleeps with a mickeymouse nightlight, eats playdough cannolis everyday for breakfast, slept with a cabbage patch doll in his bed till he was 26, has weekend getaways with a midget and a donkey(Dont want to know what goes on there), is afraid of cars so he rides around Delaware on a unicycle. But the biggest shock of all about Tyler was reading that he was raised by gorillas in the jungles of the Congo.

MarlaSinger

Eats her apple core when shes done with her apple, once put a slinky on an escalator to see which one would win, was arrested for stealing giraffe from the Delaware zoo, sneaks in to CharlieCrokers bedroom when hes sleeping and throws popcorn at him and last but not least, was once a man. 

RobertPaulson 

Uses a breast pump every day to make cream for Tylers coffee, hasnt had a bowel movement in 14 years. Once ate 4 whole turkey at the Durden thanksgiving dinner, likes to dress up as a donkey on the weekends and spends the time with Tyler?(Disturbing). Lost his left testicle in a boating accident while the boat was in dry dock and he still lives with his mom. 

Durden Family Members 

Are drugged out hippies sent from the future to spread peace and love, that doesnt seem right but thats what it says.   Well folks I hate to say it but Im a little afraid of the mentality of our friends the durdens now. Perhaps they will try to get us all to join their cult for a little kool aid refreshment one day, hopefully this sheds a bit of light for you all so you wont fall for their tricks. If you see a Durden shoot first, thats all I can say. 
 
 
 
OldYeller walks back to the table and shuts off the projector
 
There you have it folks. The Truth About the Durdens as spoken by my father. I fear these Durdens now more than ever. Keep your windows locked, your donkeys in the barn and slinkys in a toy box. I have to head back to the HQ and help Psychopath board up the windows. This information has put  us on high alert, I think you should all do the same. 
 
 
 
Good Day all
 
 
 
OldYeller turns on his heels and starts running down the street towards the L.O.S. HQ.

The more you tell me the more I feel like I'm a Durden at heart...

The Durdens are some odd folks

OldYeller runs back to the streets huffing and puffing.

Folks some new information for you. These damn Durds are on some chemically enhanced steroids, yes thats rights. Steroids that are on steroids are helping the durds become stronger and stronger. 

Take care with what you aim at these days, you never know when your bullet will be stopped in mid air and spun around to be sent right back at ya.

OldYeller spins around and starts zigzagging down the road at a fast pace waving his arms like a mad man dodging steroid needles that are zipping through the air.

Daddy told me that when you miss Mr Durden, don't stand about laughing, telling your friends, run, run like the wind!

Seems like your daddy was a very wise man ratSkcoR. Specially from these rambo Durdens runnig about

A very unwise man Acid is what ol' daddy was. :-)

Shocking!

This is slanderous stuff... or libellous, depending on your point of view. I will not allow such terrible defamation of character to occur without retort.

It's never right to speak ill of the dead, but when it's a lady as lovely as Carraig was... it's downright awful to do so. She might not have been a smart lady, she might not have been an attractive lady, she might not have been a very nice smelling lady, however she was a lady and did have incredibly sexy elbows.

*Walks away, remembering the time before people started gender bending the lady he knew as "hey you, quit staring in my window and get out of my garden!"*

Ive always felt the Durden Family was vastily misunderstood. Theyre just immigrants looking to move to America and settle down. Isnt our motto 'bring us your tired, your poor'? Prehaps if we stopped and spoke with them for a few minutes before slaughtering them like vermin, we could come to live with them in peace and harmony!

I'm pretty sure if you look up the rest of that motto it goes a little more like "bring us your tired, your poor... and let us get a quick wack and an easy plus one". Either that, or I've just been talking with tiggy too much.

I'll have you all know that Tyler Durden himself once put his hand in my pocket.

I thoroughly enjoyed it. He was assertive, yet gentle. He tipped his hat as he took his leave past my horde of bodyguards. He even threw them some bread and cheese. It caused uproar as they all began to fight amongst themselves like angry, rabid dogs, but nonetheless I appreciated the gesture.

I can also say, with some certain knowledge, that Mr Durden is a man who knows the importance of moisturising.

Moisturising you say. Ill have to remember that in the future. It's always good to remember when a lovely lady like Godmother Delaney approves of something.

I don't just approve of it, I live by it. I have a weekly swim in extra virgin olive oil. It's why my complexion is so glorious.

Satanta why did I have to call daddy 'Auntie Carrie' everytime you called on 'business'?

I tend not to ask the 'ladies' that work for me what what type of niche they're carving out in the market, so I don't know the full answer to that one young sir.

I did once overhear one of her clients leaving the house, when coming to collect the takings, and the words "best tuck and suck in the land" may or may not have been overheard. You should be proud of yo' momma' boy.