The Tabloid News LVI
Dread Pirate Pickles: Dread Editor-In-Chief
FROM THE EDITOR
Once upon a time when the Pickles family first washed up on these shores, they made friends with a lady named MoneyPenny. Some of your ancestors might have known her family, or not. But, anyway, we at The Tabloid News are excited to announce that MoneyPenny recently became MommyPenny with a baby girl, who (like all newborns) bears a striking resemblance to Winston Churchill, and to congratulate her. Winston Churchill could not be reached for comment. Anyway, on with the news!
WAR IN NEW YORK STARTED BY BAD JOKE
Al Capone and his many associates and their bodyguards have recently flown to New York for a sight seeing trip. The famed Chicago mobster wanted to take his men out on a nice trip to reward them for the wonderful work they did with the Bugsy Moran gang. After all the necessary permission slips were signed by their parents, the Capone gang flew into New York and began to take pictures of such sights as the Empire State Building, the Statue of Liberty, the Arcadia Hotel with its regal stone lion, and Ariadne’s posterior. After a rough night of drinking, several of the Capone gang had difficulty finding their hotels. This reporter witnessed your HQ Reinforced Front Door get attacked! The attacker looked somewhat like Scalia. After inspecting the door (on which Scalia had merely relieved himself) Phil Steak flew into a murderous rage, and ordered anyone associated with Capone’s organization to be harassed on sight. Phil even walked up to Capone at a restaurant and slapped the cigar out of his mouth. The harassment of the Chicago visitors initially started with a few of New York’s mobsters making fun of the Cubs. Things quickly escalated when Whitey opened up Mrs. O’Leary’s Steak House and Brothel. It is unclear who fired the first shot, however New York has been a hotbed of violence since. It is the official position of the editorial staff of The Tabloid News to blame Whitey in any and all occasions where a proper culprit cannot be easily found.
TABLOID EDITOR FEARED INSANE, ARMED AND DANGEROUS
Even those in the Fourth Estate are not exempt from the scourge of war. However as many of you dear readers have noticed, our esteemed Editor, Dread Pirate Pickles is a hasty sort who rarely thinks things through. Thinking he saw one of Capone’s gang (or perhaps a groundhog’s shadow) he was seen drawing his gun. He raised his gun and pointed it at the air. He started making jabbing motions with his gun in that direction in a threatening manner. He screamed profanities to a target that did not exist. People crossed the street to avoid him. He was committed to Bellevue Psychiatric Hospital for rest and bourbon.
SPACE COWBOY A FRAUD
The research staff at The Tabloid News has gone over several pages of Detroit Godfather Space Cowboy’s resume and found several inconsistencies. First and foremost, there is the blaring obvious that he has never once been in a rocket ship, much less the moon. Additionally, the closest he has ever come to being a cowboy is a night with an escort that is too graphic for our readers. She was quoted as saying he was not a “gangster of love” either. It was difficult to find this information since he checked into the hotel under the pseudonym “Maurice.” Sources within his own crew are reported as saying he has no sense of humour and is certainly not a joker. Also, Detroit FBN officers say he never indulges in marijuana at any time of day. When Space Cowboy was asked for a comment, he shook his head saying “Really, Pickles? This is the best idea for an article you could come up with? What happened to you?”
ASK RED WATCH: ADVICE COLUMN
Dear Red Watch,
This new family moved into Queens, and I brought them over a welcome basket with champagne, an apple pie, and a few other goodies to make them feel welcome in the city. They completely ignored anything Emily Post ever said and shot at one of my bodyguards who was just waiting by the car. How do I respond?
Signed, Bunny
Dear Bunny,
New neighbors can be insecure and nervous. The best thing to do is establish dominance early and burn down their house. They can use the insurance money to move far far away.
Red
Dear Red Watch,
I have a . . .
Dear whatever . . .
Why do you keep coming to me with your stupid problems? You’re probably not even going to take my advice! Sheesh! Leave me alone! I’m late for a pedicure.
Red
Ed. Note – In honor of Tiggy’s retirement, we are going to offer a glimpse into a special edition The Tabloid News printed just about Tiggy from deep within the archives. Enjoy. <-- Click here.
STREET REVIEW
This is a semi-reoccurring segment of The Tabloid News where we go through the recent street speeches and give them to you in a nutshell so you do not have to spend your time listening to them. After all, we did not.
Protection Notice by Neville – Chicago will now be offering free condoms to all visitors.
A Chicago Blessing by PoisonOak – Dear Gad, bless da Cubbiess and da Bearss and don’t let me have another heart attack wit dis next sausage. Amen.
Standards by Tinkerbell – Really? You are reading The Tabloid News and you are concerned about standards?
Relationships or Reputation: A Question by Pyg – Girlfriend or hooker? Which will cost me less in the long run?
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