The Tabloid News Special Edition
Zombie Pickles: Editor-In-Chief

FROM THE EDITOR

For many of us, war is a confusing matter.  Why does it happen?  Who is at fault?  Who’s right?  Who’s wrong?  Who’s left?  Whereas I cannot answer all those questions, I can shed some light through secret communiques that we have become privy to.
 

BACKGROUND

We are reprinting some of the more salacious and controversial things said about various crewleaders throughout the cities to show what exactly The Tabloid News wrote to put the burr under the saddle blanket of the war horse.

“PHIL-STEAK WEARS WOMEN’S KNICKERS” – Isssue LXIX

“Chicago RHW Lilca Delaney filed suit in superior court yesterday against notorious ladies man and mythical beast, Big Foot.  The lawsuit is filed over child support owed to Delaney by her hirsute suitor.” – Issue L

“Phil Steak is a big fat poopy head who smells like three day old limburger cheese.” - Issue LIII

“Deadly Sin has ears that make his head look like a trophy for Ugliest Godfather!” – Issue LIII

“Lady Fighter allegedly does not wash her hands after using the bathroom.

Deadly Sin allegedly calls 900 numbers on a regular basis . . . 1-900-BIG-BEAR

Phil Steak allegedly wears women’s underwear.

Space Cowboy allegedly hires handicapped prostitutes.” – Issue LV

“SPACE COWBOY A FRAUD” – Issue LVI

THE BUILDUP

After all these Pulitzer Prize worthy articles were written, those who had been embarrassed by the skeletons in their closet being put on display to dance like so many chorus line girls, the various leaders of the cities met in a coffee shop named #RevengeOnPickles to discuss how they would handle the incredibly good looking editor.  What they did not know was that all the waitresses were on The Tabloid News’ payroll.  It is unclear how they could not have suspected something was afoot when all the waitresses were wearing French maid uniforms.
 

THE CONVERSATION

<DeadlySin>  My ears are not too big!
<Lilac_Delaney>  I’ve never even been on a 2nd date with Big Foot!
<Phil_Steak>  Women’s underwear?  Limburger cheese?  And, from my own city no less!
<SpaceCowboy>  Hey, those handicapped prostitutes are hard workers and need the money for their prosthetics and wheel chair ramps!  I mean, I am NOT a fraud!
<Lilac_Delaey>  So, what do we do?
<Phil_Steak>  Revenge!  Revenge I say!
<DealySin>  Lilac, can you write something in the Calamari to combat this nonsense?
<Lilac_Delaney>  No, my writing staff isn’t anywhere near as talented and awesome and Pickles’ is.
<SpaceCowboy>  Then, it think it’s clear what we must do!  Are we agreed?
<Phil_Steak>  Surely you don’t mean . . .
<SpaceCowboy>  Yes, and don’t call me Shirley!
<DeadlySin>  Murder?
<SpaceCowboy>  Yes, murder!
<Lilac_Delaney>  Murder most foul!
<DeadlySin>  I want the first shot!  He said I call 900 numbers.
<Phil_Steak>  But, he’s from my city.
<Lilac_Delaney>   I think the fatal shot should come from another editor.
<SpaceCowboy>  But, he said I was a fraud!
<DeadlySin>  He said I was so old in that birthday interview that Jesus was my first crewleader!
<Phil_Steak>  He called me a poopy head!  A poopy head!  Who says that?
<Lilac_Delaney>  Pickles said that.
<SpaceCowboy>  Quiet, you!

At this point, Cpt-Harris joined the conversation.

<Cpt-Harris>  At least he writes about you and keeps your names in the streets.  He doesn’t even mention me!  I want the kill shot!
<DeadlySin>  Yeah, he doesn’t talk about you.  He talks about us.  That’s why I want the shot!
<Cpt-Harris>  Well, maybe Phil should take the shot.  Pickles is in his city.
<Lilac_Delaney>  No!  I want to shoot Pickles!
<SpaceCowboy>  No, I want to!
<DeadlySin>  I’m the oldest, I should have the first shot.

It pretty much went downhill from their, the consensus being if none of those at the meeting could have the first shot, then nobody could have the shot at all.  Thus began the infighting and subsequent war that claimed the life of Dread Pirate Pickles.  And others.
 

A SOLUTION?

We at The Tabloid News feel we have a solution that could benefit all parties and bring a swift end to the bloodshed.  We propose a bracket-style duel competition where the winner gets to cut off the head of Zombie Pickles and be declared the winner of all time, or at least this time.  However, TokyoZomi has dibs on the losers brains.