CHICAGO UNION-TRIBUNE

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Publisher: Ariadne                                             Issue 1

Featured Businesses

Thor’s Toystore - Detroit

Thor’s Toystore, located in the beautiful city of  Detroit, is a magical wonderland of delights for all ages.  From simple board games to more complex tests of mental skill, Thor’s truly makes even the grumpiest old person smile like a…well like a kid in a toystore.  Have a nephew or a neice that really likes teddy bears?  Dress one like their favorite radio character.  Have a hard-to-please lady you want to impress with your softer side?  A doll made to order, with her very own features might be just the thing.   Even your shrewdest business partner will smile when given a hand crafted top, etched carefully with their logo or name.  After going in and seeing the brightly lit shelves lined with every imaginable game, toy or kiddie magic trick, you’ll be a customer for life.  I know I’ll be returning to get some goodies for those I care for, and with the help of their amazing staff, you too will find exactly the thing for whoever you wish to buy for.

Carnal Desires – Chicago

Under the management of he-who-is-known-as Satan, Carnal Desires is one of Chicago Business District's newest venues. One thing is obvious as soon as you walk into this place: someone's doing a very good job of making sure it gets overlooked. Now I don't know if it's the universal language of hard cash, or if Satan has information that people in high places want out of the public eye, but Carnal Desires is one of the most indiscreet places of business I've come across, and the cops avoid it like it might kill them (which, to be honest, it very well might).

Drugs, alcohol, tail, pianos (and I'm talking about the Chicago variety, of course) it's all out in the open here, and it would seem that almost anyone can wander in and receive the VIP treatment. Hide in plain sight seems to be the idea, and no expense is spared in making the patrons comfortable.

If you're in Chicago and want a good night (and don't mind how much of it you remember in the morning), but you haven't decided which of your vices you want to abuse, Carnal Desires is just waiting to indulge you. And if you feel something is missing, I get the impression that the owner will do what he can to bring it into stock.

However, if all you want is somewhere to lay low, maybe do a little business under the counter, best you find someplace else. It's not discretion that worries me, but if Satan's house of cards comes crashing down you'll find it difficult to plead ignorant when the raid catches you snorting cocaine off a girl's thigh.

Do you have a business or know of one you would like to see featured, let us know!

HOROSCOPES

Aries – WATCH YOUR BUTT! No seriously, something climactic happening in your career weakens your defenses.  You’re going to get extra aggression from others so prepare for it. 

Gemini – Just because you’re sign is the twins does NOT mean you can be two places at once.  BUT! It does mean you can work twice as hard so go ahead and go for those higher crimes! Travel.  You’ll enjoy the scenery if nothing else.

Cancer – You’re tired and stressed and need to chill a bit.  Don’t listen to gossip and just stay home tonight.  Breaking your friends out of jail may cause you more grief than it’s worth.  Let someone else do that crap for a change.

Leo -  Today is a day to be silly so grab that clown nose and the squirting flower button and have at it!  The universe is encouraging you to lighten up so DO IT.

Virgo – You were supposed to plan a big OC tonight but someone going with you isn’t feeling so hot.  Are you going to take that?  HELL NO! Tell them to suck it up, take some antacids and get their butts in gear; you don’t have all night to wait while they’re praying to the porcelain gods!

Libra – You have this overwhelming urge to spend every last penny you have for that next bodyguard.  You aren’t one to go on impulse though so don’t start now.  Keep it in the bank and hold out; maybe the cops will raid that drug lab of your dreams!

Scorpio – Don’t stay home alone tonight; it goes against your nature.  That said, maybe you don’t feel like going out with the whole gang and tearing up the town…so don’t!  Go with a smaller group; instead of  torching your rival’s money laundering operation, just go to the Met and grab some Picassos.

Sagittarius – Normally we can’t get you to shut up, Sagittarius, but today you just wanna be antisocial.  WHAT THE HELL?  Feel like folks won’t stay out of your mail today? They won’t so either go with the flow and just take it or go bananas and take out folks within a fifty yard radius. Everyone has those days.

Taurus – Well Taurus, it looks like you should be setting up your own family! You’re unstoppable…okay maybe not a whole family but you could sure kick some butt on a massive crime. Think carefully about it but remember, you gotta have some heavy backers to get rid of the merchandise when you raid a depot.  Just sayin’!

Capricorn – You keep overindulging like that you’re gonna keel over.  Lay off the sauce, cut back on the cannoli and take on those lower level jobs that make you run your ass off.  You’ll thank me later.

Rub Some Bacon On It

Freedom from pain and suffering...

First and foremost I implore you to take the advice given in this column  with a grain of salt and a pound of humour. The intention of my column is to bring a chuckle, a smile, and maybe even some hope to those who write in with their problems. Expect a dry sense of humour laced with a good dose of sarcasm. So if you have a problem and can handle the advice feel free to contact me. Not every letter will be published, but some will! Names may be changed to protect the identities of the needy.

 So without further ado....

 Midol!

I'm in terrible need of advice. Could you help? I've just joined this brand new crew. It's great, new, shiny-don't get me wrong, I love it. It'll be a great experience. But there's a bit of a problem with my new Crew Leader. See, I never met him in person until I actually agreed to join his crew and well... he smells. Bad. Rancid death on a hot summer day. He's got this body odor issue, and the HQ is too small to take it. What can I do? If I put air fresheners all over the place, he'll probably catch on. But I can't take it anymore!

 Dear Sir, Madam, or Pet..

My best advice is to keep your boss unaware of your attempts to improve life within the HQ and to offer your services as a bathboy. Be sure to wear something both functional and alluring when you provide these services. Contrary to popular belief men in thongs are not attractive. Try a toga or sarong. Be sure to make up a book of coupons offering back scrubbing, foot massages, full body (And yes that means the buttcrack) waxing, manicures, pedicures, and other hygienic services. While performing your duties I suggest rubbing a very strong scented lotion, Mentholatum rub, or essential oils (eucalyptus is good) under your nose. You can also sleep with his dirty laundry the night before so you are used to the odour. Wrap his boxers around your face for full effect.  Make sure you provide a soothing environment, strong incense and scented candles should do the trick. Hire a mariachi band if you want to add a bit of spice to the experience for all involved. Who knows, you two may build a tender and loving relationship that neither of you would be able to find elsewhere. Make sure the petroleum jelly doesn't have sand in it though.

I must ask this though, are you sure the smell isn't emanating from your own body? Something you may want to consider before risking your health in the endeavour to provide fresh air to those you now call brothers and sisters. Don't worry though, this is nothing a bath or shower will not solve. Just be sure you use soap.

Love and Cookies,

Midol

Quickies in the Kitchen with Midol

 Yes, here it is! Your chance to step inside of my kitchen! *Cue scary music here* Don't mind the mess, I've been cooking up a storm all day. From time to time (Ok, quite often.) I have people drooling over my creations and asking me for recipes. Well, here' the way to get them. Read the paper! From time to time I'll take requests and fulfill your wildest culinary desires. You will notice a theme of bacon from time to time, what can I say? It's my passion and it soothes the soul.

 Today's recipe is...

Peanut Butter and Bacon Brownies!

(This is a request from a few loyal fans of my cooking stories.)

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit or 170 degrees Celsius and get out a 9x13 cake pan or baking dish.

For the Crust:

1/2 cup butter, softened
1 cup peanut butter
3/4 cup white sugar
1/2 cup firmly packed brown sugar
1 egg
1 tablespoon milk
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 1/4 cup all-purpose flour
3/4 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt

Beat together butter and peanut butter until well combined.  Add sugars and beat until fluffy.  Add egg, milk, and vanilla extract and mix until smooth.  Add flour, baking soda, baking powder, and salt and mix just until blended.  Spread dough on bottom of a 9x13 baking dish or cake pan to form a crust.

(For an extra kick sprinkle some crumbled bacon on top.)

For the Brownies:

3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder

1/2 teaspoon baking soda

1/3 cup vegetable oil

1/2 cup boiling water

2 cups white sugar

2 eggs

1/3 cup vegetable oil

1 1/3 cups all-purpose flour

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1/4 teaspoon salt

1/4 cup crispy fried bacon chopped up

In a large bowl, stir together the cocoa and baking soda. Add 1/3 cup vegetable oil and boiling water. Mix until well blended and thickened. Stir in the sugar, eggs, and remaining 1/3 cup oil. Finally, add the flour, vanilla and salt; mix just until all of the flour is absorbed. Spread evenly over the cookie dough crust.

Bake for 20-30 minutes, depending on your oven. If you can insert a toothpick in the center and it comes out clean then they are done, if you like the "undercooked" brownie then adjust the time. At this point you want to combine the following into a bowl and spread this "crumble" over the top evenly and bake until chocolate chunks are melted.

1/2 cup honey roasted peanut crushed to little chunks

1 cup chocolate chips or chunks, I prefer chunks

1 cup chopped fried bacon

If this STILL isn't enough, grab a bottle of chocolate sauce, or butterscotch, or strawberry.. And drizzle it on top.

Poof. Done. Awesome brownies for all!

Newcomer’s Section
 

First off let us welcome you to town.  Now, before you get all heated up and frantic, looking for a place to hang your hat, check here to see which families are recruiting currently, and which ones feel like the right fit! 

Crewleaders: are you looking for a few good men and women? Here’s a great place to advertise for your next family members so make sure to send in your advertisement today!

Editor’s note: The comments and views expressed in this newspaper do not represent in any way the feelings or thoughts of the Chicago Union-Tribune.

Do you have a story or information you’d like to see in the next newspaper? We are now open for submissions.  Please send to Ariadne or Ziva for review with the subject line “Newspaper”.

COMING SOON!

Classified Section – Got a business? Advertise here

Contest section – Are you running a contest? Advertise here

Obituaries – Are you mourning a loved one?  Announce the services in this section.

There will be more, a lot more. This is just first issue.

After reading the Tribunes first edition, Urza decides the time is right to offer his services as an 'Agony Uncle' to the Newsies. Rolling up the paper he sets off to the Newsies offices to put in an application.

Very nice, an excellent read

Brambles smiles greatly

What a good read. Looking forward to the next issue. Thanks!

Brambles takes her paper as she drinks the rest of her coffee and heads off.

See you next time.

Puts out his smoke and folds up the paper after reading through it

That was a great read.  I am now fearful of the future from my horoscope....... Damn you ares

TokyoZombi shoves the paper in her mouth, after reading it. After it's all gone she licks her fingers.

Good ea....read, I look forward to the next.

Good read, no Aquarius though :( Just about to make some bacon buddies aswel.

Jots down recipe

BrickTop looks ah his bodyguard,

"looks like you wont be getting another friends, my horoscope says i best bank my money instead" BrickTop looks serious while saying this but then changes his tone. "But However, go make me some bacon brownies, actually, go buy me some, your cooking is terrible"

BrickTop puts down the newspaper and picks up his cup of tea, no sugar, hes sweet enough. He folds up the newspaper before passing it to a young man sat on the opposite table in the coffeeshop

"Good read that is, its just started" he tells the fellow. "Hopefuly this will become a regular thing"