Ladies and Gentlemen, I come to you today to address a topic that brings nothing short of sheer distress to the masses that populate our city. I'm talking about a fate worse than the bubonic plague and one that certainly affects more people (You poor bastards)

Frequently, we hear debates on the outlawing of assisted suicide for terminal illnesses however I feel that as part of this speech I should offer my support and backing for the legalization of assisted suicide, even if it involves forcing your wife's head into an enormous drinks blender, or employing her as a speed bump to slow down the excessive amount of exceptionally heavy vehicles in your area.

Nobody, should suffer the torment, pain and suffering of a chronic illness, not to mention the profound effect on a persons mental health. Of course, the doctors offer drugs in order to slow the progress of these conditions down and drugs are great, I mean, who doesn't love them?! A pound of opiates mixed with some of Three Toes Tony's moonshine, and you'll be off your tits for hours! Anyway, back to the matter at hand, the suffering of thousands due to the chronic illness I have so graphically described.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I put it to you... The masses of our world, that the condition "Itchy Scrotum" (itchy scrot) is by far the worst suffering any human being could ever endure or hope to survive. Therefore, I make it my pledge to you, that any money donated as a result of this discussion will be applied in the best possible way in order to find a cure for this terrible illness.

Thank you all, for your time and I just want you itchy scrot sufferers to know, I am categorically thinking of all your poor fuckers avidly scratching your irritated, wrinkly ball bags.

They could just offend one of my siblings.

Nothing makes me hornier than the thought of a psycho named Paul, scratching my bollocks with his new screwdriver, i'll screw drive you into next week you dirty little fuck whore.

I enjoy pickled eggs as much as the next man Paul, but that's a bit extreme! I can see why the call you Psycho Paul now. You are an inspiration to men all around the world, however I will continue to need my testicles in order to impregnate the masses of women around here as it seems many of the other blokes, are simply bollockless.

Obviously I can not speak too much from experience but when I lived in a lets call it colder region the males of my species would often dip their balls in ice water. Now I can not say they did this purely because of itchiness but it seemed to change their behavior entirely for the day. Could I offer you some ice cubes?