i was gliding down the streets of PHI, still looking for Harry Potter and his where abouts. I had just left Godrics Hollow the evening before. I stopped by the local speakeasy and had a few drinks but I didnt let the good liquor deter me from my quest to find the boy who lived. That boy lived on a sheer fluke. He was a mere baby...a child. How could i have failed to kill the boy? 

Dumbledore would fall one day and then there would be no protection for the boy. I hit my Dark Mark, calling all my Death Eaters to me. i would use my intelectual senses to lure the boy to the Ministry and then i would kill him there. The Bartender spoke rather unwisely to me just now, wanting to get payment for the beer before he threw me out....very foolish man....

AVADA KADAVRA! i shouted once more and the Bartender became my fourth victim in 2 days. When will people learn that Lord Voldemort does not take kindly to disrespect. i glided out to the Malfoy manor where we would have our meeting and then attack.  For the first time in a long time, i was expecting Snape there, one of my most trusted spies...

"but we shall see where his loyalties truely lie when i get there" I thought. with a flick of my wand 2 more muggles lay dead just for my amusement. 

She walks boldly toward Voldemort and smiles sweetly as she runs her finger down his cheek then grabs his wand and snaps it in half.

Welcome to the Mafia. Spells and wands have no place here. We're hardened criminals, not circus sideshow freaks. Get with the program kiddo. Ministry of what? Malfoy who? What in the fuck is a "muggle"? Is it a kind of bird?

You may need to see one of those fancy pants shrinkologists.. Reality seems to have slipped through your fingers. Until then here's my prescription...

She hands the youngster a bottle of St John's Wort tincture and a few rashers of bacon.

First, take one table spoon of the tincture every day followed by a very thorough bacon massage. Make sure you rub the bacon from the top of your head to the tips of your toes. Do this every day.

vectre walks by seeing midol snap voldemorts wand and laughs and thinks to himself "that made my day" and walks off 

Lord Voldemort gives Midol a new prescription...

" Here... try this cyanide, it seems that you need a higher dosage to control your outbursts."

Ziva rolls her eyes as Voldemort shows he has dismissed all memories of a surely long ago Herbology education.

Really, cyanide is the best you can do? Couldn't you have passed her over some Devil's Snare to keep as a house plant? Or perhaps given her some Mandrakes to re-pot? No marks at all for imagination there Voldy. 

It seems like some pretty strong hallucinations that you're having here though. I mean, as my right hand pointed out.. magic wands? Muggles? And just who the fuck are these Malfoy's, they don't sound like one of our families? Next thing we know, you'll be telling us that sixty years in the future, some lady will start writing a seven book series on a kid called Harry Potter defeating you while she rides on a train! Then I bet you tell us that some kind of moving picture thingy will show the story on a screen! 

Ziva can't help but giggle at these far fetched thoughts.

Perhaps a strong drink of whiskey might help put some sense back into your head. There's a lovely little speakeasy over there, I'm sure you'll find it most accommodating.

Hearing some laughter going on around the corner, anima decides to check it out.  He can barely hold back his laughter when he turns the corner.

Your nose!  What the hell happened to it??? bahahahahahaha You know, for an all mighty wizard you could do a bit of sprucing up on yourself first.

You may be better off with a glass of scotch and gun, my friend :D

anima runs back into his house to grab a bottle of Johnny Walker and hands it to Voldemort.

You can use this drink the pain away hahaha.