tony walks into the streets watching as all his fellow mafioso pass by going about their days. As he notices the foot traffic increase he sits down a wooden crate and stands upon it.

A crowd begins to gather at the sight of the well dressed mafioso standing upon a crate like a crazy man and he begins to address the crowd.

Friends, Romans, Criminals, lend me your ears! Well perhaps not Romans, but anyways now that I have your attention!

tony pulls a folded paper from his suit pocket and unfolds it slowly.

I am here today due to an overwhelming amount of letters I've received from our fellow breathern confiding in my expertise of advice giving. I have collected a good few and have taken the time to answer a handful and thought to myself what better way to give the answers than by addressing them anonymously for all to view. So without keeping you fine folks any longer.

tony glances down at the paper and begins to read.

Dear tony,

I find it hard being an little yellow lego figure with a God complex in the streets, but when it comes to the ladies I'm a tad more withdrawn and find it hard meeting the right mafiosa princess. How can I impress the ladies before I take over the world if Pickles allows?

-Anonymous

tony looks up from his parchment and scans the crowd.

Well Mr. Lego man, just be yourself. Just because you're a tiny small yellow fellow doesn't mean you can't or won't find love. If you spend as much time putting yourself out there with the ladies and introducing yourself to them as you do attempting to be a megalomaniac and dominating the world, I'm sure you'll find the right one who loves you for the small little lego man you are.

If Pickles allows.

tony glances back down to the paper as he begins to scan for the next.

Dear tony,

My mother was a powerful lady whom was gunned down in a controversial fashion. As her son I find it hard maneuvering through life as a half cat half human mafioso. Oh by the way my father I'm told is a cat who worked closely with my mother, confusing I know, but alas its hard with no guidance being one of a kind in this world. Is there advice you can give me?

-Capta..Errr, Anonymous

tony looks up from his paper once more and scans the crowd before speaking.

Dear anonymous half cat half man. My best advice for you is to use your curse..I mean gift as your advantage! You have heard of cat burgulars right? Well you're a cat who most likely makes some of his living while being a burglar! See, there's a positive. Also if you ever decide to meet your father I'd suggest bringing a bottle of milk and a dish opposed to wine. However a drunken cat would be humourous so really its a personal choice on your behalf.

tony giggles slightly at the thought of a drunken cat before clearing his throat and trying to put on his best serious face.

One more folks and I'll let you go once more on your way.

tony scans through the paper once more and begins to speak.

Dear tony,

I'm tired of being called an Kardashian. I am totally not a Kardashian and its like hard you know like totes cray that I have to like do this every day. What can I do to prove I'm like not a Kardashian?? -Anonymous

tony looks up and scans the crowd with an concerned look upon his face.

Well Ms. Not a Kardashian, I'm not sure what a Kardashian is. But, if you want people to not think that you are one I would suggest using the word like as few times as possible and stay away from the phrase "totes cray". Merely a suggestion but I think you'll find yourself fighting less and less uphill battles with your identity struggle.

tony folds the paper up and slips it back into his pocket.

Well boys and girls, that's all the time I've got for today, until next time keep your letters coming and remember, when the rest of the world doesn't care, I won't either but I've got nothing else better to do than listen so until next time!

tony steps down from the crate before picking it up and carrying it off into the distance.

Dear Tony,

My problem is pretty complex.I have The Wilt The Stilt Disorder.Now some make think its funny,it's truly not.I can't seem to stop.Once i surpassed the 20k number i continued to knock them down left and right.What can i do to suppress this God like energy that i have.I tried to make a Kentucky blue grass milk shake, 'Didn't work.I need your help

Dear Tony,

I've unwittingly entered into This Thing Of Ours without realising the shame-laden legacy left to me by my mother. Before arriving upon these shores, I was swollen with pride due to having listened to stories of her bravery and generosity throughout her life. I have since learned that these admirable qualities applied thusly:

- She was brave in terms of the fact that she would turn away no sexual partner, regardless of gender...or sometimes species. One old newspaper article insinuates that she fell pregnant by a gorilla. I cried until my tears washed away the cheap ink used for printing.

- Her generosity extended beyond her purse strings; yes, again, this comes down to her voracious sexual appetite. She gave freely of herself, sometimes without even being propositioned first. 

Tony, I just don't know what to do. I was raised by my aunt; I'm an all-round straight laced gal. I wash behind my ears with a q-tip every morning and night, rinse my pantyhose with perfume and always sleep on the left side of the bed with my legs tightly crossed and a virgin's liver beneath my pillow, just as God intended.

How can I possibly unveil my true birthright to anyone? Could I be half gorilla? I've always found it a tad strange that I need to shave my delicate areas nightly with a cut-throat, but my aunt told me that a hairy woman means a lady devout to her Lord and that is why He bestowed me with the gift of hyperactive follicles.

Yours in anticipation,

Etaine

tony, having word his expertise was in dire need ventures out to the street with his trusty crate and ever thoughtful brain.

Upon reaching the eepicenter of the streets he notices a few strangers gathered with letters in their hands. As he gathers the letters from the strangers he sits down hiscrate and climbs upon it.

Ladies, Gentlemen, and Gentlemen pretending to be Ladies..

tony clears his throat

It has been brought to my attention that my brilliance has once more been called into need and action! I have gathered a few letters to address today from the crowd and though some of them have been redad aloud already I shall do my best not to further draw attention to anyone and the situation they currently face.

tony rifles through the letters until he comes to one in need of such care and haste.

I see dear good anonymous sir that you have a problem with controlling your sexual urges! That is ineed a shame that you want to control that. It seems that you are MERCiless when it comes to being a lover and that is a problem! However dear MERCiless friend do not fret for I offer you a solution! Next time you feel down about your thirst for physical desires despite the opportunity presenting its self remember these simple words. Hoe can I get ahold of tony capone? Yes dear sir, I am available both day and night, not to talk you out of doing it but instead I will due my duty and satisfy the young philly for you! You'll be able to keep your peace of mind and i'll just take your piece of...Well you know!

If you need to reach me remember I have an open door policy just drop me a mail or a beautiful woman any time you feel the need to fight off your MERCiless urges!

tony sorts back through more of his letters until he comes upon another one that seems in need of great haste that he had heard was already asked despite the capability of anonymity. 

Dear Hairy woman/thing,

I too understand what is like to grow hair in quickened fashion. Maybe not my unmentionable reasons but my face ofteb grows hair seemingly within hours. It is no fun constantly shaving. As for your mouth she sounds like she would have an awesome la...Person. Aside from her sexual preference..

tony glances around the crowd to see if he can spot the man who was mentioned in the previous address who was also very promiscuous in sounding.

You may want to search for the man I previously addressed as he could indeed be your father after all if your mother was a car free lover and this man "loved" every woman he saw its a possibility that at least once they came together, literally. 

But in the meantime dear hairy woman/thing I wpuld suggest visiting France, I'm told a lady like you would fit in there and alas if that doesn't work, once again I have an open door policy, and if you are freshly shaven you may stop by my office any time for some self confidence exercises.

I will tell you though dear hairy woman/thing that God has a sense of humour so despite what would be a good self esteem builder a possible half ape half person eould be allowed to live only for fun more so than blessing purposes. However in my spare time I pretend to be a priest and have no standards so once again anytime you need to "talk" just stop by and I'll make sure you leave satisfied! 

tony snickers a bit before climbing off his trusty crate and again disappearing in the distance while hand motioning a call me to a random person in the crowd.

(ooc: My phone often makes me look like an idiot as I type hastily without double checking myself)

Scratching head,Excuse me Tony.It seems to me if i forward you the partial of my desire that you would benefit more than I.Giving said Partial a private consultation will not help matters.turns and notices something special walking across the street.Seems that the urge is coming.

Throws a rock at at the man as he chases after a female as he smilingly makes his way down the street and the man falls unconscious from the rock hit