You see a man walking through the crowds, offering a 'smoke' to all and sundry. His facial hair of shows he is obviously a bit mental. Eyeing up both men and women he stands before you and begins to speak.

I as walking down these here Streets this morning offering me smokes to me friends. I was having quite a time as I had already handed out three packs and was going to top up me supply. So I walk down over there he waves his am dismissively somewhere down the road without even looking and tip my hat to a fine fellow and turn around to admire his ars....coat as he passes when a bullet whistles past me head.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not adverse to a bit of aggro. I love a bit of bare cheated, wrestling in the mud, but this was a bit shit I thought. You could at least let me tighten ma braces before you pop a piece of lead in me. Anyways, I turn round and this lad is stood there. I have never seen him before in my life. Quite glad really as he was U-G-L-Y ugly. However, having already missed, he challenges me to a duel. "A duel?" I asked "Yeah" He replied "Oh Right" I said "I'm alright ta very much. I think I have had a bit of luck already today. Plus a duel is all a bit namby pamby if ya gets me meaning?"

So I turn on ma heel and walk back to the HQ. As much as I'd have loved to have given him a crack I thought I'd be a good boy, like me ma told me to be before I came here, and took a stroll towards The Bosses place so I could let him know what that little shite had tried on.

Before I know it though the little fucker has been in to ma pocket, took my wallet and worse. My last pack of smokes. Well, this was now a complete farce. He cannot shoot me or duel me so he nicks my fags? Fucks sake.

Anyway, he is swimming with the fishes now. Not before denying his actions. Unfortunately I smoke a very specific brand of tobacco and it's unique 'aroma' and it's 'effects' that like to keep everyone happy led him to come clean in the end. Don't let that stop you taking one of my best though, will you?

So. You are now stood here wondering why the fuck you have just wasted you time listening to me ramble? Because I'd like to know something of ya. What on Gods crosses himself green earth leads some little cretin to nick a lads cigarettes? Oh, and shoot at them randomly? But the nicking of my smokes needs a mention.

I don't understand what you have to gain by turning round and attempting to pop a lone Irishman wandering down the Streets. I mean, I know my compatriots can be a right pain in the arse, but I'm a nice boy? Is it really worth a quick hit and run, rub of yourself and then death when your Boss wankes you up, pants round your ankles to display you in the great blue wet thing boats sail on "The sea you fool" a voice interjects "See? I don't see anything so who is the fool now?! If you haven't got a decent reply to give then kindly take your wise remarks elsewhere. Prick"

Can any of the the fine lads of the world tell me? The lasses are more than welcome but decent looking lads to the front please..