A pile of puke, poo, and something that smells like gum... sure doesn't taste like gum though. I learned that the hard way, but after the second attempt at scarfing it down, I realized it was probably better left in the pile. Where was I? Oh, yes. I always find a way to ruin the monologue, or in this case the dogologue. Haha. That didn't work, did it? What do you expect? I'm a dog. 

"Hey, what's this fuckin' mutt doing here? Get out! Out!"

I look up to notice two men walking into the room, how did I even get into this room? I don't remember. In my defense, I can't remember anything after a few minutes. I'm a dog. The taller, louder, and more angry man walks up to me, with a slight fire in his eyes, a fire that kind of reminds me of the last time I stole some food from the garbage behind that Indian restaurant. Still hurts when I think about it. 

"I said get out! Is this dog deaf or something?"

He begins to thrash his hands about in a weird fashion, trying to scare me? Doesn't this man know I had to fight seven other starving mutts just to make it into this nice, cozy place? I'm not leaving for anything less than a bullet in-between my eyes and who can shoot such a cute thing? I'm a dog!

"Hey, maybe it has rabies. Leave it alone." 

Taking the idea straight from the second man, I begin to bark as loudly as possible, while he makes a run for the exit, nearly falling over, the other pulls out a gun, his hand slightly shaking as he begins to perspire worse than me the last time a girl bent over in my vicinity. Can you say score or what? The man takes aim, and so I do the only thing which makes sense at this juncture and begin to speak...

"Are you sure you want to shoot me, buddy? Do you not know who I am? Actually, scratch that, I don't even know who I am. Haven't remembered my name for years. I think it starts with a T? Or maybe an H? Do you know who I am?! Not important right now, all that's important is... hey! Wake up! I wasn't done talking!"

The man falls over quicker than... uh.. quicker than... shit, quicker than I can think something up. I walk over to him and lick his face a few times, but the man doesn't budge. I fear the worse and then do exactly what anyone would do at a time of crisis and begin to release my fluids all over him. Ahhh. I've needed that for a few minutes now. So, where was I? Oh, yes. The story of how this all came to be...

NEXT TIME ON "STORY OF DOG". ANGER, ROMANCE, HEARTBREAK, AND A ROBOT! TUNE IN! OR DON'T! PLEASE TUNE IN?! DO I HAVE TO BEG? I'LL BEG. I LIKE TO BEG. I'M A DOG!

After hearing such a compelling story, I fight in vain to keep back the tears. Wiping them away from my face and warbling at the same time.

"T-t-thaaat hasd to be da most beautiful thang I'd everrr 'eard in my whole life!"

I stop and pause for a couple of seconds, in hope that I regain my composure. Following a few deep breaths and some sort of relaxation technique with my hands, I manage to carry on with what I was saying.

"The way the men were clearly against you from the start, calling you deaf, saying that you have rabies and not even trying to talk to you in doggy language after the initial incident. But, overcoming all of this, you managed to get the better of the two. The way you just instinctively decided to piss all over them was pure genius. I can't wait to see what romance will you enter your life, and I look even more forward to what a 'robot' is. Good boy! GOOD GOOD BOY! Abababababa!"

I scratch the ear of Tyke and give him a treat, before I walk off in to the far distance looking for something else to do.

Tell me more about this Robot boy.