Cheerfully heading about her daily business, Ziva makes her usual daily rounds around Chicago, being sure to pop her head around all the necessary doors, and to check in with her usual people. After a weekend out of town, she felt fresher and more optimistic than she had for quite some time, and was ready to try to spread some good old fashioned happiness in the world. And what better way to do that, than via the medium of hugs!?

She'd started off with a rather startled Cab_Tufting first thing that morning. Cab had been in to her office upon her return from her short vacation to update her on the situation closer to home. He was somewhat startled by her cheery hug after he wrapped up his summary. Her next vict- lucky hug-ee was Ragnarok, who popped in an hour or two later for a quick chat. By midday, near half the members of her crew, all of those who checked in that morning, had received a cheery hug.

This had continued throughout the day as she went about her business. However, there was one hug that she was looking forward to giving more than most. One hug that she felt sure would finally warm the cockles of a particularly hug-less heart. Being on such a high from spreading slightly worrying levels of happiness and affection all day, she almost skipped through the last hour or two of her to do list.

Once finished with the necessary jobs for the day, as per her regular routine, Ziva decides to head down onto the streets, and finds WhereWasI, hard at work bringing life back into the streets. A winning smile on her face, Ziva wanders over, and in celebration of the weekly 'Hug WhereWasI Day', and her own good mood, she pulled him into a tight hug, sure that this would be the week she warmed his heart so much that she could avoid taking a wrench to the face.

Alas, it was not to be.

Feeling the beginnings of a beautiful bruise coming on even before the wrench bopped her over the head, she barely even bothers to try to dodge the hit. The more you dodge, the harder he hits when you catch up. To fight the wrench attack was hopeless, but no matter how many times he bopped her over the head in retaliation for the hugs, she still found herself thinking that it might only take another try to warm him up.

As she headed home, she decided to steal a few hubcaps in a nod back to her ancestors days as "the Scousette". Stealing hubcaps had been reported to be most theraputic for the first of her line on these shores. To her surprise, though she lacked the legendary skill of her ancestor, she did find the practice rather relaxing. She shouldn't have been surprised really, the second in her line, her namesake, had loved Hubcaps so much that on her grave stone following her death, the following words were inscribed; "For Ziva loved her Hubcaps so much, that she gave her life, so that anybody who steals them may have inspiration in the Fort.".

Sitting in her office after sneaking her newly acquired hubcaps up her jumper to smuggle them into her HQ without arousing too much suspicion, she stares at them with something approaching a love that she can't quite explain, one which she figures as being genetic.

As she stares lovingly at the hubcaps, she can't help but think of the earlier incident, and of the now throbbing pain in the back of her head. Making a mental note to buy some pain killers in the morning, she turns to the next best thing for the time being - the bottle of whiskey she keeps stashed in her bottom desk drawer, purely for medicinal purposes, of course.

Pouring herself a generous measure, she gulps it down and pours a second glass out, this time sipping at it more slowly as the pain in her head begins to ease.

And suddenly, it all becomes clear.

How many people must WhereWasI hit over the head with that same wrench, day after day, week after week, month after month? Her head felt alien just thinking about it! Surely it's downright unhygienic to hit so many people with the same wrench? After all, WhereWasI was not the most tolerant to contact. His wrench was his first line of defense and there were any others working to change his ways.

It'd hit her, the perfect solution to this troublesome problem. Although, thankfully for her poor sore head, not right over it. What if she made a special wrench, one that he could use exclusively for smashing her alone over the head with? Sure he did so enough times a week at any rate to make such a thing worth it. And - even more perfect - she could channel her families traditional love for Hubcaps into the design!

Although it'd be a bitch to part with her ill-gotten and shiny gains, she knew that the positive outweighed the negative in this situation. How wonderful it'd be to be beaten with a wrench of hubcaps! The scouse dream!

After falling asleep on a pile of increasingly ambitious and appallingly drawn designs, she wakes up the next morning with a start and an empty glass still in her hand.

Remarkably cheerful to say she now had a self inflicted headache on top of her still banging headache, she grabs the top sheet of paper, pulls on her jacket and tips the stack of hubcaps into a large back, sneaking out the back door of the HQ and throwing them into the back seat of the car.

She stops off just outside of the busier part of town, outside a small scrap metal yard owned by a friend of a friend, who happened to be rather skilled in the art of melting down and reworking metal. Slipping a pair of over-sized sunglasses on and wrapping a woolen scarf around the lower part of her face, to avoid witnesses to her moment of hubcappy weakness, she grabs the bag from the back and heads inside.

Speaking to Leonardo, the metalworker, in hushed tones, with plenty of pointing to the sketch she has produced from her bag and furtive motions to the bag, she explains exactly what she is requiring. His eyes slightly puzzled at the absurdity of the request, he nevertheless nods and agrees to the request.

A week goes by, Ziva going about her business as normal, waiting for 'Hug WhereWasI Day' to roll back around. Finally, on the morning of the day itself, she gets herself ready to go and meet Leonardo in a per-arranged location, an envelope of cash stuffed into the large pocket of her coat. She waits by the window of the cafe she was due to meet him outside, and when she catches sight of him, she nods, walks over, shakes his hand and switches the money for a bulky package, wrapped in brown paper.

Slipping it into her pocket in the place of the money, she makes her way to her usual WhereWasI hugging spot, and upon seeing the man himself, just about retrains herself from pulling him into an immediate hug, instead offering him the package, hoping he may share her excitement at this. Besides, if he unwrapped it before she hugged him, and he used her own personal melted-down hubcap wrench to smack her over the head, it was sure to hurt much less than the heavy metal version of the week before.

Too excited to wait for his reaction to the wrench, she decides to chance it, and pull him into his weekly hug, awaiting her wrenchy fate.

Well, it would seem to me a very key part of this story is missing... which makes the story inherently not worth listening to. However, I did listen to all of it, and I will point out the fatal flaw momentarily but  first--

WhereWasI loves his hugs. If you haven't, you should. He may react with violence, but sometimes he goes very easy with it... because why? because he likes the hugs! He needs the hugs. If he had more hugs from everyone, he'd be a calmer person, and would assimilate better within our society. 

Truth be told: WhereWasI and Ziva are not so different in this sense. Hugging is a ritual for them it would seem, almost like one of the sacraments! SO EVERYONE EAT THE CRACKER AND SIP THE SHITE WINE, and then HUG WWI and ZIVA!

P.S. the flaw in the story was that a hug for me was not mentioned. I was left hug-less. Not cool. 

Hugs his WhereWasI and Ziva

Don't worry, there will be more words of encouragement for the hugging of you two. 

WhereWasI lifts his newly gotten wrench over his head whilst simultaneously breaking the hug, and then brings the wrench down with a thumping force.

"I have no time for hugs. I have no idea why you gave me this wrench, but I shall guess that you wish me to hit you with it so I shall."

WhereWasI tucks the wrench into his bag of tools and begins walking away when he overhears DeadlySpikeS, turns and says,

"Encouraging others to hug me is almost as bad as hugging me yourself."

WhereWasI pulls out the old wrench launches it into the man's throat. After seeing it hit its target WhereWasI slowly walks over, making sure he kept his distance from the man gasping for air to avoid any hugs, picks up his wrench and begins walking away with his wrench still in hand.

"The need for love and affection is a sign of mental weakness. I will not let anyone pretend I asked for it without consequences."