Stelengum surfaced after a long night in abacus HQ. He had set his young disciple Roberto_Carlos on the path of the Church as part of his training to graduate from Abuttered into full Atoast status and Stelengum was confident he and his pert bottom would be progressing nicely with the task. This left Stelengum time to turn his attention elsewhere and he had noticed a depressing pattern that he felt he must address.

I come before you all today to welcome a fine new addition to our streets. Don't worry though, this isn't a protection order for you to be informed of, even though you know of it already, nor is it an auth announcement that you have to pretend to care about. Oh no. This my fine fellows, is a much needed public service.

Stelengum waited for the raucous laughter to die down. 

It has come to my attention that unfortunately in our world we miss things that we shouldn't. From time to time people do things that deserve recognition, but rather than these upstanding mobsters being placed on the mantelpiece to be admired for all eternity, they are left trampled underfoot, forgotten and alone.

I think this is because in our world we tend to only give attention to the events and actions that have an impact in terms of the bigger picture. I'm sure you've heard about this Godfather killing that Godfather or so and so's family being wiped out by yada yada's district, but you know what you aren't hearing about? Who's got the crappiest piece of shit suit in America. You know what conversations aren't being started about? Who has the most vomit-inducing rainbow bollocks of a profile. You know what isn't getting the coverage it deserves? Who's got the most ridiculous nod to someone else tattooed on their face. 

Stelengum looked over the crowd, soaking in their adoration and attention. He could tell they too understood the importance of these people receiving the acclaim they deserved. He rose to his full height and let his sermon-honed voice sway the assembly.

But fear not friends, this will happen no longer! From this day forward no such act will pass by unnoticed.

When I see someone announcing that someone else is their "adorable pup who [they] never want to hurt and..had only one great night out with", I'll give you a nudge in the ribs. When I discover a suit so brazenly ridiculous that Thanatos needs to don his sunglasses just to look upon it, I'll give you a call. When I find someone with a name so amazing that you'll want to name your kids after them, old Stelengum will have your back and make sure you don't miss out.

Someone in the audience cheered and others took up the call. Given the amount of underwear hitting the floor, he assumed it must have come from PantiesBeDroppin.

So from now on, I will be bestowing the Stelengum Award for Mafia Heroism (in association with the R_CAS) upon those fine individuals who make MafiaReturns great. Candidates will be selected in a variety of different categories and I will gladly accept any recommendations for people you may have noticed yourselves. These individuals will be celebrated publicly as they deserve and be presented with their awards by yours truly here in these very streets. 

Keep on being amazing guys and I promise you that my smiling black face will be just around the corner with your award in tow. 

And with that, the street exploded into thunderous applause. Stelengum was mobbed with people asking for his autograph and demanding to know how they could receive the prestigious award.

Stelengum had spent the better part of the last twenty four hours at his desk in abacus HQ. With Roberto out of town chasing up leads on the location of the old Church, Stelengum had devoted his time to making sure the voiceless champions of MafiaReturns got their moment in the sun. He sighed as he scrunched up another letter requesting the award be bestowed upon him for his lovely smile. He knew it was true, given just how iridescently it shone against his coal skin, but it would hardly set the right precedent. Plus, he was pretty sure Chalk and Choke had a monopoly on hubris and he didn’t want to fall into the same trap as them.

No, he already had someone in mind for the first award and they were fully deserving of it. He had spent long enough studying her, almost but not quite as long as Numbers4Glory spent searching for his next concubine, and although he was sure he would never actually unravel all of her mysteries if he lived a thousand lives, it was time to make the announcement and present her with what she deserved.

Stelengum left abacus central and made his way to the streets. His worker bee, Thanatos, had been busy supervising construction of the stage and Stelengum was pleased with what he had managed to achieve in such a short space of time. As a thank you for all his hard work, Stelengum gave his friend a polite kiss on the lips and a gentle pat on the bottom. With formalities now exchanged, he made his way onto the stage and held up his hands to get the crowd’s attention.

“Friends, I’m glad so many of you have gathered here tonight to celebrate the inaugural winner of the Stelengum Award for Mafia Heroism.”

A polite smattering of applause trickled out from the raucous crowd who had been relentlessly discussing the unveiling of his new award. It was easily the most popular topic on the streets. Stelengum soaked it up.

“Now, I know many of you called for me to win this award, but I don’t think that would be fair.”

He waited politely for the disappointment to subside. It was probably the most disappointed this many people had been since Grey’s girls arrived on our shores. It wasn't quite as disappointed as BlackWidow had been when she discovered she wasn't one of them though.

 “Whilst my face is majestic, my suit stunning and my tattoos awe-inspiring, there is another who can comfortably lay claim to the greatest profile in the country.“

More people began to swell the gathering; Stelengum guessed they were resting their arms after all the highly engrossing back patting of the new bosses and godfathers, which was steadfastly dominating everyone’s attention. He projected his voice to reach the depths of the crowd.

“I promised that I would bring recognition to those who deserved it and with this in mind I would like to prevent the first Stelengum Award for Mafia Heroism to…wait for it…RosalieRossi!”

Stelengum began clapping his hands and quickly the assembled masses followed his lead. The applause was deafening and he could see the people begin to part and Rosalie approached him, gingerly climbing the steps to the stage. Stelengum reached out one of his enormous hands and engulfed Rosalie’s in his own before shaking it vigorously.

“Congratulations!” He cooed and giving a nod to Thanatos, who came scurrying with the award in his hand, he quickly handed it to Rosalie. She took it and held it reverently.

“The reason for Rosalie winning this award is obvious and just one look at her will tell you everything you need to know. She has easily the best tattoos in the country, stating her love for her darling fiancé Dirge in some truly imaginative ways. His sexy tigress, anyone? Plus, her calling card contains information about the outfits he wore when he proposed to her – aw – one of her valentine gifts, her ring, the colour and meaning of roses and perhaps most importantly a true love story.”

Stelengum had to wipe away a tear that was threatening to leave a track down his face.

“Is there anyone in the land with a more majestic suit? I say not. You might need your sunglasses on when she walks by, but damn it all if it isn’t worth it! Where else are you going to find snuggle music on short notice? Where else are you going to discover that “friends“ is actually just an acronym? And where else are you going to find out the colour and meaning of roses?

Stelengum let the conundrum wash over the adoring crowd. The silence stretched and then to a man they began to chant ‘Ros-a-lie! Ros-a-lie! ROS-A-LIE!’ before long it was all you could hear. Not knowing what to make of the public acclaim she was now receiving Rosalie stood on the stage, turning the colour of one of her roses. Stelengum stepped forward and together with Thanatos they guided her safely from the stage, her award tucked adoringly under her arm.  

I just want to congratulate RosalieRossi in winning this Stelengum Mafia award, its a pretty distinguished honor considering the hefty competition at hand. 

Are you already taking nominations for the next award?  If so, will you be using the same criteria in locating these gems?  

Once again Rosalie congrats, you truly do deserve it and every mafioso could learn from your suit.  Instead they will go their own path and it will end in tragedy. 

As Thanatos helped Stelengum guide RosalieRossi off the stage, his lips still warm from the unexpected kiss of gratitude he received earlier that night, he thought back to when he had first saw Rosalie and her dazzling tattoos. He had been standing on a street corner listening intently to old Stelengum wax lyrical about the exquisite bottom of his disciple Roberto_Carlos when all of a sudden he stopped mid sentence... Thanatos knew something strange must be going on for Stelengum to stop mid sentence when discussing the impeccable posterior of Roberto_Carlos. It was at that moment he turned to see what the disturbance was and his eyes were struck like a bolt of lightning through the darkness, he fell to one knee covering his eyes. As Stelengum helped him up Thanatos managed to get his sunglasses on just in time. Stelengum said that this luminous vision was RosalieRossi. As she glided past the corner Thanatos managed to read a couple tattoos and when he read about her being his "sweet jelly" and about being a "snuggle bear" he felt a warmth in his heart at a true love story. As the light faded and she turned the corner Thanatos knew his vision would never be the same again as his eyes had  been exposed for the brief few seconds before he got his sunglasses on.

"Congratulations Rosalie, you deserve this prestigious award. Greatness should be recognised."

Thanatos was glad he had been part of such a historic moment and knew these awards would go on for a long time and become part of the fabric of this world.

Stelengum and Thanatos locked eyes. Time seemed to slow down for Stelengum and he could tell Thanatos could feel it too. Both men knew that they were experiencing a moment that would change them forever and it wasn't pure, unfettered lust as you might imagine upon gazing into Stelengum's eyes. It was a shared experience and the knowledge that both of them had been present for a moment of mafia history. Stelengum gave Thanatos a nod which said "I know brother, I feel it and I'm confident this will become part of the fabric of this world", the nod was immediately reciprocated.

A man/chicken that had come from someone's anus was approaching Stelengum and shaking his hand. He was saying something, doubtlessly praise for his good looks and sound intelligence. He looked over the asschicken but Thanatos was hastily storing his sunglasses in their designated case in case he needed them for his geography field trip. The feeling faded.

"Are you already taking nominations for the next award?" The asschicken was asking him. "If so, will you be using the criteria in locating these gems?"

"Friend" Stelengum said, his game face coming back faster than a Mafia retiree "I am always accepting nominations for the Stelengum Award for Mafia Heroism. If you spot a person so incredibly amazing but not being graced with the spotlight their quality merits, drop me a line." 

"What about the criteria?" AssChicken cluck-farted.

"The criteria is simple friend. A great, unique and original name like 'Goku', 'Christian Grey' or 'CristianoRonaldo. Something that really displays intelligence and originality on the part of the parents. That is the kind of thing we're rewarding here. See?"