Flying Pig steps out into the street to speak to the masses. A homeless man cowers in fear, sure that he is about to get kicked in the stomach and used as a milkcrate, but alas, it never happens. For this Pig is not filed with rage at the inadequacies of society like Pigs of old.

Good day friends and family,

Since I set foot on these shores, I have been met with a variety of reactions.  The most immediate reaction was from certain weary souls who, in their heart of hearts, believed that it was the second coming of Jesus Swine to kill off the retards and save you vermin from eating your own feces.  While I admire their faith in the second coming, that is not why I am here.

Others greeted me with a relief that, perhaps, I would reinvigorate the streets with controversial, angry rants, where I would point out which of our current crewleaders were fucktards, which were worthless mouth-breathers, and which were sleeping with their sisters.  I wish that were the case.  There's nothing like a good, angry rant to start off the day.   The problem is, having that certain fire in your belly requires actually caring about the subject matter, and I cannot summon much concern over anything mafia-related these days.  Sad, but true.

A third unnamed party greeted me by whizzing a bullet past my snout.  Epic falure, to be sure, but the sentiment did not go unnoticed.  This act of violence got me thinking, that perhaps I am misunderstood, and I should clarify my intentions here, lest anyone else think that I may be a threat to their continued survival.

The fact of the matter is, I simply do not have the tormented soul that some of my ancestors did. I am, more or less, at peace with the world.  With this in mind, I would like to concede certain facts from days gone by, where my ancestors may have "stretched the truth" a bit.

1.  To be fair, most of you probably are NOT retarded.  Some are further down the evolutionary ladder than others, to be sure, but I doubt there are any among us who actually spend their free time licking windows.

2. Striphe is NOT the antichrist and does not need to be destroyed at all costs.

3. To be truthful, I probably did not sleep with ANY of your mothers. I am sure they are all lovely ladies who would never consort with the likes of me.  (Disclaimer: If your mother was between the ages of 18 and 25, living in the Cleveland, Ohio area in the mid-90's, then I probably DID sleep with her, and for that I am sincerely sorry. Please remember to send me a Father's Day card this June.)

4. I have no intention, and never had any intention, of "killing everybody".

5. To the various mobsters of which this implies:  I realize that you probably do not, in actuality, fart in the bathtub and then try to bite the bubbles. It is quite possible that your affliction is related to being dropped on your head as a young child, through no fault of your own, and that your affliction stems from that incident, and not from inhaling noxious bathtub gases.  You have my pity, not my contempt.

Flying Pig hugs a tree, kisses a daisy, and walks back to his apartment.  As usual, the women throw their panties at him, but this time the Pig asks them to please dress, because he would feel terrible...just terrible...if they were to catch a cold.

DISCLAIMER: These statements are all subject to retraction in the event I should become drunk with power.

Totes stops to listen to this pig-man unsure if he is dreaming or stuck in a bad commercial for an even worse car insurance company. As the pig-man walks off to a chorus of boos and people throwing rotten fruit that he occasionally stopped to sniff for some reason Totes pondered what he had said.

I'm not sure how one who has spent so much time away from this thing of ours can make these determinations. I mean no one can keep their fingers on the pulse of a community they've been away from for so long. How can you come out here and speak as though you're an expert?

Totes ponders for a moment longer.

Come to think of it you're, talking about retardation, window licking and incest. Who is more of an authority on these things than someone who has spent so much time in Cleveland, Ohio?

Answer: Someone who frequents sporting events at Three Rivers Stadium.

Where you totally drunk during this speech, FP?

God! It's like I hear the pope stating in public that he's a freaking Muslim now...

Your ancestors were always good for spicing up this place - not only by their words, but most certainly with their actions as well.

Please reconsider this shit and give us some firework again!

It has been missed far too long already!

2. Striphe is NOT the antichrist and does not need to be destroyed at all costs.

DISCLAIMER: These statements are all subject to retraction in the event I should become drunk with power.

4. I have no intention, and never had any intention, of "killing everybody".

This was so disappointing. DramaticMafiaGirl cried for days.

I'm sure Christian Grey will be able to make you feel better. He appears to have a whole entourage of dramatic mafia types these days. 

This makes me so many different kinds of sad.

After witnessing today's events, I would like to retract Point #1, that most of you are not retarded.  The rest of my concessions still stand.

It's only a matter of time until Piggeh realizes his other points should be redacted as well. Except maybe the one about Striphe. I think he may be confusing the need to destroy at all costs with the fun of doing so.