Entry 1.

It was only a couple days after I was knocked out and took off of my property out in the country. The man in the suit was keeping me hostage until he figured out what he wanted to do with me. I had killed more than five of his men by myself. He was angry with that, but he respected it at the same time. Yet, he knew he couldn't trust me, nor could I trust him. I had found a few pieces of paper in the room they kept me in. So that is what I am using now to write all this down on.

The day had come when he walked in and had decided he was going to have to kill me in two days. He had some business to deal with first, with a neighboring family. They were causing issues for his business. I knew this because I could hear most of what they were talking about. The walls were thin here. They were preparing to strike, but before they could get the chance I heard bullets flying through the building. I hid in the corner of the room and covered my head. I knew whoever was doing the firing would kill me too, why would they leave anyone alive here? Unless it was the police, could it really be them? Men like the guy in the suit were good at covering their tracks, no this had to be the neighboring family. Someone must have leaked the information, would be easy considering how I could hear everything myself that they spoke of.

As I heard steps coming towards my door I prepared for my death. It had been a week since I was forced to leave my farm. I had no idea what happened to my mare. Then the door opened. A man walked in, but the features of his face looked familiar. I tried to see him clearer, standing up I leaned against the wall for support. He came closer to me and smiled. All I remember was him saying my name and I realized who it was. It was the boy who lived at the farm down the street from me. His parents always said that he had died, but he didn't. He had disgraced them by coming to the city, he was one of the top men in the neighboring family.

He took me with the rest of his men to their headquarters. We used to play in the fields and would always talk about becoming something great, while looking at the stars. When I thought he was dead all I had left was my father, then my mother. He stood there vouching for me to his leaders and found me a place among them.

We went to a nearby café to catch up. He told me all about his life. The only thing he hated about it was where he had to kill people, but it was to protect his own people and their business. Without money and without family they were nothing. So if anything threatened that, they threatened it. Yet, the way he spoke of his life made me love it too. He was free and happy. As I looked around, I noticed a few woman too. They seemed to be respected. Many even had more of an iron fist than the men. I started to feel like this life could be for me, since I had lost everything.

I was learning and I was starting to forget what happened to me. I was learning to be happy again. If only that could have lasted...if only. The very next day an allied family of the one they had destroyed came and killed almost everyone...everyone except for me...

Entry 2.

The days seemed to go by so slow since they gunned down my old friends family. I was spared, but for reasons still left unknown. I was currently held up in an apartment that they had gave me. Two men stood outside the doors and the windows all had bars over them. One or two people would come in and check on me. The apartment was clean, no knives, no guns, nothing. They made sure to keep me unarmed.

Then he showed up. He had this crazy look in his eyes. He seemed almost psychopathic. It scared me. His voice was low, but yet not threatening. Was he here to kill me now? Why was I not being shot like the rest of them? This was the second time this had happened. Then he told me his name was NiNe. What a weird name. Why would he call himself Nine?

That was when he told me why I was spared. He knew my mother. She hadn't been a country girl all her life. She once came from here. My heart dropped. Why would she give up the city life to go be in the country? That is when he told me about my father. My mother left to be with my father. Which was forbidden, which is why they became farmers, far away from the city. It explained why I was trained so well with a gun. Why I had a fighters spirit in me. My mother belonged with these people.

He continued to talk to me and told me that this is why I was spared. That he would never harm the daughter of my mother. Instead he wanted to offer me a position with him. To help him. My heart yearned for this because he knew my mother. He was starting to feel more like family than anything else I had had so far. So I accepted.

We worked well together. Even though we both barely knew each other he treated me with respect, far more than I had ever received before. Was it because of my mother? I told myself I would ask him one day. I had many questions I wanted to ask him. Yet, I kept my head low for the time being on those. I needed to build more trust with him.

That was until the same thing happened. I woke to loud pounding on my door. I had grabbed my gun and slowly opened it. Word that NiNe had died stabbed at my heart. This man, he knew my mother and was now gone, just like my friend. This time though the lady that oversaw NiNe extended me a warm welcome. I barely knew her, but what choice did I have? NiNe trusted her, so should I.

Time to start again...and who knows how many more times.

Entry 3.

I was attempting to grow accustomed to being with the Godmother. Yet, it was a hard transition. The lady was always so busy and it left very little time to get to know her. I respected her because of her position and because NiNe did, but it was hard to really feel like I was being noticed. I had got the hang of earning and was trying to send up as much cash as I could, only kept enough for me to keep making more.

As time went by, I still felt like I didn't really belong here, but I was trying very hard to keep working and moving forward. It had been two weeks since his death and I was doing well for myself. I just didn't feel very trusted, but who could blame them. They only knew me because of NiNe, I wouldn't trust myself either. You needed to earn trust, but my patience was starting to wear thin.

They say you keep hard workers if you show them you noticed them or reward them, but all I found was silence most of the time. The silence was starting to drive me mad. I was even having thoughts of suicide. I felt like I had no one and what is worse than death? Solitary confinement. Which I felt was my life.

Although as I worked, I met other mafioso's from other cities that worked with us. I was beginning to make friends outside of my borders. I was starting to see the light again. At least, I saw it with them, but at home all I felt was darkness and cold.

That was when another shoot out began. The lady, my Godmother, was shot. Then I had to make my decision. To stay here with the remaining families or to move to another city to where my newly made friends were.

I pondered on this for a while. If I left which city did I want to go to? One city looked like the powerhouse of our mafia world, but the other I had become quite fond of. Many of those I was becoming close to were there. That was when I made my decision. What is life if I only go for power? It is nothing if I am not happy with friends. I would rather die happy, than die with power.

So I accepted the warm welcome that the man Johnny gave me. I did not know him very well, but his men I knew. He opened his arms to me and gave me shelter. I felt alive again. I felt like there was something to work towards, with people who mattered to me.

Entry 4.

I had been with the family for a while now. Finally, it seemed like I was going to belong somewhere. Finally, going to not just lose friends I made after a couple weeks. This life I had so far was very unstable. I had a few thoughts about trying to get out, which usually meant dying, because once you got in, the only way to get out was through death.

Yet, now I was happy. We had recently moved to Queens. Johnny was gave the go ahead to lead his own district. This was when Chekov set up underneath him. I wondered what it was like to have that honour. He was gave the keys to a headquarters and start running it beneath Johnny. That showed a lot of trust in the man and loyalty. 

It made me wonder what Johnny thought of me. I had been through so many families, but not by choice. They always seemed to be gunned down before I ever got anywhere. Yet, I did leave my city. How did that look upon me? Was it wrong that I left to go to New York? Did Johnny trust me less because of this? Or did it not even bother him.

I had to prove my loyalty. I started to send as much money as I could. I think I had sent up around nineteen million so far. Never in my life did I ever think I could earn so much money. Living on the farm we would never see even a million a year, but now I make a million every few days.

I was also working on my aim with my gun. Johnny knew the story of how I gunned down more than five men myself, but he always told me that it never hurt to keep tuning your instincts. I would even show up at the local gym to work on my hand to hand combat. I needed to be able to defend myself in this world.

Then one day Johnny showed up at my apartment. It startled me because I wasn't expecting him, but he seemed very serious. His face held a lot of emotions, but he still smiled at me. That was when he told me that Chekov needed to step down. The stress was not allowing him to focus on what he needed to. So Johnny was here to ask me to take over in his stead.

My heart was overwhelmed. I couldn't believe he asked me this. I looked at him and asked if there was anyone else who deserved it. I had only been here for maybe a month and wanted to make sure he wasn't passing someone up for me. He shook his head and assured me I was the one he wanted to take over. 

I couldn't believe where life was taking me, but now it was my time to be that respected woman and I was ready to shine.

Entry 5.

Life was going great so far. My family was small, but I had people I trusted. People who I had become good friends with and close to. We were growing slowly, picking up some kids who were running things off the streets and giving them a place to grow. We taught them our life and sometimes had to kill one or two for fucking up.

You would think I would become numb to that part, but I never did. I always had to wear a mask when it came to killing people. A lot of people even would call me heartless, friends and family of those who died. Yet, I had to take those words in stride because they knew little. They didn't know anything of what really happened that led up to the pulling of the trigger. They always thought they did or assumed things.

Some would even tell me that I should tell them the truth then. The life of a mafiaso was rarely about the truth. Everything was always hidden and full of lies because the truth gets you killed. People in this line of work only said a few words, what was needed, and no more. You had no right to know anything else and if you tried to hard to get it, that was a bullet to your head.

This was something I was never really good at. I had a head on my shoulders and a mind. Johnny knew I wasn't the kind of girl to just keep my mouth shut. I even got into a heated argument with a Godfather from another city. Something most people would die for doing, but in the end we set our differences aside and were still friends.

I was starting to find people I felt I could really count in. Even if things got heated, they wouldn't turn their back on me. I wasn't used to this. Usually when arguments took place friendships were broken, but then again I guess they were never truly friends if they could just walk away so easily.

This was something I was starting to learn. I was seeing the true colors of many people I once would call my friend. They turned away from me. Something I wouldn't forget. Of course I would still associate with them, but if the time ever came and they asked for a hand the only thing they would find was a cold shoulder.

In this world there are very few people who you can really count on. It hurt to say this, but I was realizing that I truly didn't have that many. Too many two faces, too many selfish people, and too many fools.

My mask was something I was starting to wear daily. Soon I think this mask I wear will become the real me.

Entry 6.

Time was passing fairly quickly. It seemed like a few months had already passed and things were going good. The family had basically reached max capacity and I could no longer offer many people a place with me. Everyone seemed happy. Things were going great. We were all working together and building up.

I was starting to feel like a very accomplished leader. Something I never saw coming my way. I always thought my life would play out on my farm. That I would grow up riding my horses and growing food. That I would watch my mother and father grow old together and perhaps have a family of my own.

That was something I never saw happening. A family of my own, yet in a way now I had that. These people weren't my children of any kind, but I did my best to take care of them. I hadn't fell in love like my mother did and probably never would. Being in love with someone in this kind of life gave your enemies more power. This was something I could never feel. I had hardened my heart. Especially, with so many great men around me. I had to be as tough and cold as them.

That was when it felt like my heart had been ripped out. Johnny came to me in my home and told me that Sephiroth had gone rogue, he shot someone and died for it. The man I trusted the most in this time here had turned on me. I knew he was growing tired of this way of life, but I never saw in a million years that he would leave me.

I needed some time alone and they all understood that. My family was going to be looking to me for answers. I needed to make sure they understood that he was still a good man, even after what he did. I didn't want anyone to respect him any less, but I was starting to learn more about my family during this time. Spots opened up and I was starting to realize that some people only cared for one thing.

Greed.

I had heard rumors that people had only came to me because they thought they would get a special position. This sat bad with me. I wanted people with me who just wanted to enjoy their time working under me, not there expecting something.

That was when the suicides started happening. One after the other. I had also heard about rumors flying around, coming from my family. Loyalty was something I expected from my members and was finding a group had none. They had come together and I took them in. Yet, one showed he only wanted to go to another city and spread shit. Not long after he had done himself in. The next got upset that I had not gave him his promotion. Patience was a virtue I was taught and I had been caught up in my office all day and night, not able to break away to really speak to any of my members. When I showed up to where he was, I saw a letter and he was gone.

The last was not long after. They had came as a group and left as a group.

I was starting to learn that many people in this life expected things to be handed to them on a silver platter. I was no such leader to do that. You earned your place when I felt you had earned it. There was no book to follow and especially no hand outs. I trusted fewer and fewer each day.

Yet, my family still stood strong, just a rat less.

Greed, it will steer you wrong every damn time.. just saying.