There are a lot of goats going around here with beautiful and even complex horns. However, each goat is different. It’s hard to say who the best is and who has the prettiest horns. GOAT as an acronym is standing for Greatest of All Time, but can there be more than one who is the greatest? I’d like to think as a tribe of goats, the acronym may be fitting as a collective group, but not just for one singular goat. Their horns however are quite distinct and reflect their personalities, and this is something that perhaps could require some study.

The current goats to my knowledge are as follows (if there are others, I'd be glad to analyze them). I will give a brief description of each.

Cantillon: The GingerGOAT aka TRUCK has horns that are quite long, far longer than the others in the tribe. They curl up under his ears and almost look as if they were large sideburns from a certain angle. They are quite pretty to look at, but they are not too soft looking. They are rough. The GingerGOAT’s demeanor is very friendly, but he also has the nickname as the TRUCK which means he has the potential to show great strength when something needs to be taken care of. This is not something to fear though because the GingerGOAT is quite rational.

JohnnyNoName: The KingGOAT has beautiful horns. I have touched them on many of an occasion. They are quite long as stick backwards almost like slicked back hair. They are very smooth to the touch and have quite pointy ends. From my understanding, of all the goats, he is the most vain when it comes to his horns, and I’m sure if he could use some sort of product like hair gel or the like he would. However, his vanity is warranted as they are quite nice. The KingGOAT’s demeanor is regal. He wears his horns like a crown, and deserves respect. He also likes to party, which is always a nice trait. He has BabyGOAT (TaylorNoName) who is also quite princely. Though little, this goat is probably the most gregarious of the bunch, but his father perhaps had some influence on this.

DanTheMan: DanTheGOATMan has very colorful horns much like the coat of the bear Jeddy. The colorful horns aren’t too big, but they are perhaps the most eye-catching of the bunch. I think it can be said easily of DanTheManGOAT, that he is the most human-looking of the tribe. However, he is in fact a goat as he can be seen off in Central Park chewing on the grass in Sheep’s Meadow or the Great Lawn or perhaps on a tin can should that be his fancy. This goat’s demeanor is very calm and calculated. Many have called him one of the Encyclopedias of this world which is something that has also been stated about me. This wealth of knowledge and know-how is very important for goats because even though goats can eat pretty much anything, it’s still good to be careful even if something looks good, like a tasty can. That tin can could have sharp edges the untrained eye may be unable to see.

OrangeJuice-: The CaptainGOAT is quite a small goat with very little horns, but he should not be underestimated for his size. He is a very cute goat and unlike the other goats whose horns look like fun to touch, petting this goat’s muzzle would probably be more pleasurable. He is a small goat so he can get into small spaces for food and this is helpful to the other goats should he decide to share. His demeanor is very friendly, and though he doesn’t look like he would hit you with his horns, he might just bite you if pet incorrectly, but look at him. I don’t think anyone would stop themselves from giving him a good pet because of how cute he is.

Desmand: The VisionaryGOAT’s horns are very slim and pointed. Touching them might be a bit rough because they can be a bit sharp, but I’m sure he wouldn’t mind a normal pet on his back. His demeanor though is much like those horns. He has a skilled sharp tongue which is something to admire in the goats. He is a very vocal goat, and though by feel his horns might not be the most welcoming, we can appreciate his skills in speech. His sense in rhetoric is quite important to the goats as a whole. His companion BanginBadBitches is not a GOAT, but he is quite interesting as well. It probably wouldn’t be a good idea to put him in a petting zoo, but when spring break rolls along, you will find him beach side getting all the honeys.

This ends the description of the GOAT’s tribe. There are a plethora of other animals, a BEAST, Lion, Monkey (Sayian), and a Rainbow Polar Bear. Amethyst has a Teddy There’s even a Satellite. But those won’t be discussed today. Perhaps sometime comparatively.

However, what can be gained from this breakdown of the GOATs? It’s hard to pinpoint an exact thesis, but as for a purpose of discussing them, it is quite simple: They are goats and they should be fed grass and pet. It isn’t just about keeping them happy. Goats in petting zoos aren’t particularly happy animals, and luckily these goats are free roaming. However, a petting zoo is a place to go to enjoy the company of animals, even goats, and get to know them. Goats enjoy attention, and some goats I have discussed especially like their horns touched, though they may be a bit apprehensive at first. In the end, it’s good to get to know the goats, and understand them. It’s mutually beneficial.

So next time you pass by a goat, try to give him some grass or whatever they may fancy (it might be your leather shoe though you can probably steer them away from doing that… I think BabyGOAT is a shoe eater), and give them a pet. If that goes okay, maybe they’ll let you touch their lovely horns though it may take some coaxing. I have begun to develop horns myself, but I am only a little RAM (acronym still pending). I’m not too sure if I’d want strangers touching them. 

shoutout for the MakoGOAT.

Mako: The MakoGOAT has very flexible horns. He is able to roll things with them, and yet at the same time he can pour drinks just with a flick of the horn and a nearby bottle. His horns are nice to the touch, and he is quite welcoming to a good rub of the horn. His demeanor is very relaxed. He is very friendly with the BabyGOAT and they run in the fields together a lot eating grass and other things. If you come across the MakoGOAT, it would be wise to give him a bowl of moonshine with grass in it so he can eat it like a soup. In the tribe, he can relax the goats with his special calming abilities and stash.

Dan pets the MakoGOAT whilst remembering a picture of him as a young GOAT.

You were so adorable once, Mako.

This shit cracked me up.  I'm rolling on the floor laughing guys....

Such Lulz. Such very extreme lulz.