You know what the food was like in prison? Gruel sandwiches. Gruel omelettes. Nothing but gruel. Plus, you can eat your own hair.

The worst thing about prison was the dementors. They were flying all over the place and they were scary and then they'd come down and they'd suck the soul out of your body and it hurt!

You guys got it soft and cushy. And from me, PrisonMike, to you I just wanna thank you for listening to me and letting me be a part of your life today. Cuz you got a good life, a good life.

 

I'm glad this message has been brought to our streets. The level of crime in our world seems to be skyrocketing. Prison Mike is here to point you guys in the right direction, I suggest all of you listen intently to this good man. 

Zombie drops her gun and turns to the church for refuge.

IronSight stops to mess with his broken watch, sees a woman drop her gun and run away. He shrugs, walks over picks up the gun, puts it in his pocket and walks away. Then while walking away he mutters to himself,

"Gotta be worth something."

In prison you are somebody's bitch.

PrisonMike points to IronSight.

You, my friend, would be da belle of da ball.

Pikachu playfully minds her own business playing with a poke ball laughing and enjoying the day and she see's someone talking and cautiously walks over and listens and than her ears hears something about prison and pikachu just continues to play with the poke ball being cute and cuddly...

"Pika pika...pi ka chuuuuuuuuuu pika pi...."

As than smiles and runs off using thunderbolt to clear the way for her.... 

See that's what PrisonMike is talking about. I'm here trying to help you guys and some weirdo is over there playing with Pokemon still.

There's no movies in prison. There's no Pokeman. The only Pokeman you'll find there is a guy named Frank and he's not very cute or cuddly.

IronSight laughs,

"Sir, first things first I'm a career criminal. I've been in and out of prison my whole life. I thank you for the gesture of telling me you think I'm pretty but I have to decline any further advances. I'm also pretty sure I'll be fine next time I go to the slammer because I have mob connections and that usually means I'll be relaxing with my feet up drinking lemonade away from the common criminals. That's why having lawyers and judges in the pocket are worth it. Either way good day, sir."

IronSight puts up a sign that reads:
 

WOUNDED WAR VETERAN TREAT WITH CARE AND CAUTION

After placing his sign he strolls down the street to visit his favorite watch repairman. The minute hand was starting to run slow again and that meant it was IronSight's favorite time of the week.

Close your eyes. Picture a convict. What's he wearing? Nothing special. Baseball cap on backward, baggy pants. He says something ordinary like "yo that's shizzle".

Okay, now slowly open your eyes. Who you picturing? A black man?  Wrong. That was a white woman. Surprised? Well shame on you.

See prison is filled with these kinds of people. Did I mention the dementors?

PrisonMike for president

Thorin was sipping his ale when he heard this odd man speaking from the top of the table. 

 guess i chose the right life then. In prison you also have the guarantee of 4 walls, food, and clothing. Atleast ill have that.

Thorin chuckles and goes back to drinking his Ale

I remember my old man telling stories about his experience when he was thrown in jail for doing some petty crimes. How they dreaded a guy named Bubba and how much they avoided taking a shower together with him. I myself have been in jail but I'm more lucky then my grand dad because I have a good lawyer that takes good care of my problems with the Feds. I have also able to make good friends with the dietary officers so the last time I was in the pen I got my self a good serving of meals. But of course doing your time in jail can affect your business so it sure is better if you can avoid being thrown in jail.

She smiled thinking what PrisonMike, as she gently pressed her finger against his lips.  Her subtle smile turning to a grin as she cleared her throat.

Her gentle voice, humble but confident, she looked round

"well, my darling the trick is not to get caught.   You never know how much you can get away with sometimes, with a simple fake tear, or how the big strong man was gonna hurt me"

she giggled to herself

"keeps you out of there sometimes.  Inside, is not so bad, is a great recruitment ground of the malicious and malcontent, the enthusiastic and the ambivalent.  A face to fit any crime, or even for running the right rings, without a girl having to worry about a pimp beating her around".

"sometimes, prison can be very profitable, for the right mind"

she grinned maliciously

"but i am just a quiet little girl, taking some pies home to my daddy"

she paused, giggled

"So i never have to worry about prison hopefully"

tanks

A truely important message that should be shared with one and all.  I welcome you, sir, and your honesty.

Recently released from prison and what do I see? Nothing has changed. Fighting, killing, and terrible things. You guys don't wanna go to the clink, it's not a good place. Please, I urge you all to rethink your life of crime and do yoga or something.
 

'tanks

DON'T TRUST PEOPLE WHO DO YOGA. ESPECIALLY PEOPLE FROM PRISON WHO DO YOGA.

Starscream hands MissPinky a bag of carrots...

Pinky go home, you're drunk.