Hello and welcome to Ross Kemp on gangs series 6:

This weeks episode will feature the most notorious gangsters in America: LA, NY, DT, CH and LV.

I'm hoping to get interviews with some of the gang members and if possible.. the crew leaders.

 

Mako walks past the man and slides a small card out of his pocket, handing it over to RossKemp that contained all of the details on how to contact him.

"I was never here...."

He looks up and down the street to make sure no one saw him and hopped into the nearest taxi, slapping the driver in the back of the head to help put his foot to the pedal.

*As Ross Kemp gazes at the card, a shadowy figure appears behind him*

"Are you Ross Kemp?" the figure asks.

"Yes, can I help yo..." Ross responds

*Before Ross Kemp finishes his sentence, the figure raises a gun to his head and fires a single bullet into the temple of Kemp*






The BBC is then forced to postpone the American gang's season, in the hopes they find someone to fill Ross's shoes.
 

RIP Ross, I hope I can do an adequate job of filling in for you.

*As Louis Theroux approaches his taxi, a shadowy figure appears behind him*

"Are you Louis Throux?" the figure asks.

"Yes, can I help yo..." Louis responds

*Before Louis finishes his sentence, the figure raises a gun to his head and fires a single bullet into Louis's temple*






The BBC is then, once AGAIN forced to postpone the American gang's season, in the hopes they find someone to fill Ross AND Louis's shoes.

"RIP, very sad to hear of the deaths of two of the UK's most daring journalists... This BBC documentary, where do I apply?"

*The BBC hands Jeremy Clarkson two separate cards, both containing the locations of two film crews*

"eeny meeny miney mo, catch a N.."

*Before Jeremy can finish his sentence, a large black male approaches him. The male points a small snub-nose revolver into the forehead of Clarkson*

"I think you know where this is going Clarkson" the black male aggressively states

"OH SHII...*gunfire* 


The BBC are now facing multiple lawsuits against the health and safety of their staff. However, this does not stop them from continuing to advertise the journalism role Clarkson, Theroux and Kemp died for.

"Good afternoon I'm Jeremy Paxman and welcome to BBC news-night. The BBC are facing two lawsuits from the families of their deceased journalists. Was the BBC wrong in sending Ross Kemp and Louis Theroux to America to undercover the secrets of the mafia?Possibly, however the guilt can not be established at this point. 

In other news Jeremy Clarkson was murdered by a large black male. The motivations are uncertain and are also yet to be determined. 

Now to this weeks weather forecast with Susanne Daily"

*Theme song plays as the transition to the weather begins*

 

"What!?, what do you mean I'm bankrupt!, why didn't you tell me earlier you stupid woman" Paxman screams at his wife Elizabeth

"I'm sorry Jeremy, I just didn't want to upset you! :( "Elizabeth mutters through her tears

"Well Elizabeth, I've had just about enough of this. And enough of you" Shouts Paxman

*Paxman proceeds to run a deep bath whilst assembling an extension cable to run through from his bedroom to the bathroom*

"Jeremy what are you doing??!?!" Elizabeth asks furiously

"I'm doing what should of been done a long time ago Elizabeth, Without Kemp or Theroux, or my house.. this life isn't worth living" Responds Paxman

*Paxman pushes Elizabeth out of the bathroom whilst quickly locking the door. He plugs in Elizabeth's hairdryer into the extension cable and proceeds to turn it on*

"Well here it goes Elizabeth, you stupid whore!" Paxman spits.

"But Jeremy! you've still got me and the kids. Jessica, Jack & Victoria?? do they mean nothing to you?" Says Elizabeth worryingly..

ZzzZZZzZZZzZ *The pulsing electricity can be seen and heard through the crack under the door*ZzzZzZZz

Bloody hell, this has been a tough week hasn't it? RIP Paxman, I know we had our differences but I thoroughly enjoyed your company.

The BBC needs to do something about this, how long can it go on for? I'm not too concerned about Clarkson, but they didn't deserve this! I'm starting an online protest against the BBC sending their journalists into dangerous foreign territory with no certainty of safety. 

                                                               You can sign this petition here!! 

It's so depressing without all these great people around. I didn't appreciate them when they were here, now I greatly miss them. So much so that I've decided to start taking heroin again in an attempt to eradicate the pain. 

*Russell takes his phone from the pocket of his tight feminine trousers and presses a series of digits*

"Hello?, could I purchase one bag of heroin please?" Russel asks..

*A quiet deep voice is heard on the other end of the line*

"..one packet of heroin?.. sure. That will be £50 please Russell, anything else?" the voice grunts

"Yes please, in addition to my one packet of heroin, could you also bring me a Cadbury cream egg?" questions Russell

"A cream egg? with heroin??.. " the voice asks worryingly 

"Yes please, It's how I eat mine" Responds Russell

"Fine but I'm going to have to charge you £5 for it, I'll be there in 10 minutes" the voice states

*5 minutes later a car arrives, Russell approaches the car and makes the transition, entering back into his house with both the packet of heroin and the desired creme egg*

*Russell proceeds to slump onto his bed with a fresh needle prepared through the cooking of his spooned heroin. Russell slips the needle into his arm*

"Yummy,yummy,yummy.. I love heroin, heroin. Heroiiiiiiiin*Sings Russell


*Russell's eyes close. A dull vacant expression is left on his face as he passes away from an overdose*

 

This is truly devastating news! The BBC was forced to fire all of us due to the petition reaching a global audience.

What the f**k am I meant to do without Bargain Hunt?!

f**k you Clarkson, and you Ross. I hope your families NEVER manage to sell their antiques at auction for a profit!

As for you Brand, It's hilarious. Anyone with a BRAIN would know that mixing heroin with a Cadbury's cream egg is highly toxic!
Absolute fools.

Well I'm David Dickinson and it's goodbye from me you f**king c*nts! 

*Dickinson laughs hysterically, forcing his head back as he does.. to then unwittingly fall into the 30 ft manhole in-front of him*


[His body is yet to be recovered]
 

Cadbury Public Response Letter  - 6/05/2014

Dear Public, 
We at Cadbury's do not condone mixing heroin with our products under any circumstance.
We hold no responsibility for the death of Mr.Russel Brand, his actions were of his own accord.

Kind regards, 

Crea Megg

[HR Manager Cadburys]

Tel: 0121 458 2000 Email: Cadbury@gmail.com