BloodySpikeS strolls out into the streets, skipping, and swinging a carrot, wearing a Swag Snapbek.

And so, fellas, I have three stories for you today from my days as a NPC Storm Gangster. Most of the story is accurate, but I was suffering from delirium tremens at the time so I had some weird nightmares. Alcohol can become a real problem, but prohibition is wrong!

I do know the stuff about Goodfellas’ father is true, but most of the deaths were just nightmares from the DTs. I’m seeing a shrink about them. They were some weird times either way, but I'm on the wagon.

This is the first set of the trilogy of stories about that time. It kind of takes place after some other stuff, but I’ll get to that eventually some other day. I hope you enjoy them.

BloodySpikeS holds up a card at a weird angle for the audience to see and starts moving it down in their line of vision for them to read:

Swag Wars IV: A New Cap

A long time ago, in a district far far away…

 

It was a civil war in the cities. Rebel

crews, striking each other

from secret bases.

 

Rebel spies gave secret information

about the plans to build a Deathstar to two boys,

Kittyhawk and MalcolmReynolds.

Both sides fought for possession of them,

 and they travelled far and wide.

 

KittyHawk and MalcolmReynolds had somehow

escaped TylerDurden’s grasp, with a

message from a mysterious woman.

BloodySpikeS starts to speak:

I was there in Queens on a mission to overlook some interesting readings we had on our ship. It was there that I saw Goodfellas was working on a 303303 farm of his adopted uncle Goku and his wife Eepster. One day, one of their associates suicided, and they needed to go shopping for a new one. JohnnyNoname took Goodfellas along with him. They found two associates named OrangeJuice- and Jeddy and decided to get both of them. Jeddy was the shorter of the two, with rainbow fur, and OrangeJuice- was golden and tall.

I watched while sitting on a motorcycle as they returned to their farm and Goodfellas cleaned the two of them up. Jeddy’s fur had a lot of sand in it from the desert. Jeddy started rambling about a Princess and how she had a message for a man named Cantillon. Goodfellas knew old Cantillon; he lived nearby. Goodfellas always wanted to know who his father was, and it was something that had bothered him for a long time. He knew his mother was Whatsername.

One day, when I awoke very early in the morning just before the sun rose and the desert had yet to clear its mist, I noticed Goodfellas was out with his two associates Jeddy and OrangeJuice- to go see Cantillon when he was ambushed by sand people, rogues of the Brotherhood. He was saved by that man named Cantillon.

Cantillon took Goodfellas to his home and said that he knew his father, and that his father had worked for the alliance, and was a person with a lot of swag. He also said that he had been the great Firenza back in the day. He gave Goodfellas a carrot and told him that this was a weapon of simpler times. Jeddy told Cantillon the message, and it called for them to go to Downtown, Detroit.

When Goodfellas was on his way back home, he saw the truck that had sold him and his uncle the two associates, all burnt up on the side of the road. He rushed back to the farm and found that it was burnt down, and he found the bodies of his aunt and uncle in the wreckage.

I had to slow down my motorcycle for fear of being seen by Goodfellas and his company. I followed back slowly as he sought out to find the old Cantillon for guidance, and they went into town together. On the way in, they were stopped by policemen who said they were looking for two associates, but Cantillon said, “These are not the Godfathers you are looking for” and they continued onward. They ended up in a bar where Epsilon was sitting speaking gibberish and he tried to pull a gun on Goodfellas, but Cantillon took out his carrot and cut his arm off. The music continued to play.

They went to the airport and saw that a plane had its doors open. A trail of urine lead into the cockpit, and there Kittyhawk was sitting in the pilot’s seat with his hair combed to the side, and next to him was the hairy MalcolmReynolds. The plane took off almost suddenly as gunfire went off on the ground from the people at JohnnyNoname’s Palace. I quickly boarded a Ty (Telkin) Fighter propeller plane to follow their course. Cantillon began teaching Goodfellas the ways of the carrot in the airplane bathroom.

They landed in Detroit where they found all the remnants of Dripple’s city in destroyed by the empire. I landed not so shortly after, and breathed the smoke in the air in deeply. As they attempted to leave, their plane was lead to land by Delaware City’s Deathstar, a giant limousine, and they all put on some of the Empire’s NPC tags, except for Jeddy and OrangeJuice-. Jeddy helped them open the doors throughout the city. I landed by Delaware City’s Deathstar, and refueled.

It was there that they found Princess in a jail. She had a bunch of guards, but Cantillon was able to break her out. When trying to escape back on their plane, Cantillon went up against TylerDurden, and though his power was strong, he force failed, and Tyler 1%ed him. As the plane with Goodfellas, MalcolmReynolds, KittyHawk, OrangeJuice-, Jeddy, and Princess took off, TylerDurden said, “The Swag is strong with this one.”

They went to a secret base of the alliance in Manhattan, but they realized they were followed, by me of course. Goodfellas got into an X-Type car with Jeddy driving and rode shot gun, fighting off the other Ty (Telkin) fighters. On the radio, I could hear him being referred to as Good Leader. I chased after him, but he was way too fast for my Ty-Fighter

The Deathstar had driven across country, and was preparing to bomb Manhattan, but Goodfellas used his skills at shooting rats to blow it up with the help of Kittyhawk and the hairy MalcolmReynolds. They were awarded by Princess with Mako Tacos, but sadly I didn’t get any, and I was really hungry when watching the ceremony.

BloodySpikeS thinks about holding another card up, but instead just says the title:

Swag Wars V: The NPCs Strike Back

BloodySpikeS starts to speak again:

I was monitoring the group as they started working out on a base in Las Vegas, until one day something fell from the sky and Goodfellas went to go investigate it. He found a rogue, and killed it. He was alone by himself out in the desert at night cold. I watched with my binoculars as he cut open one of Mako’s horses and put himself in it to stay warm. He saw the ghost of Cantillon who instructed him to go to Inglewood, LA, to see Master Starscream. At least, I think that’s what he was blabbering to himself, but my ears aren’t always that great.

While in recovery from the frigid temperatures at the base, Princess kissed Goodfellas in front of Kittyhawk. Kittyhawk did not pee himself, which was good, because I was watching them from under a grate in the floor. The base started getting attacked by TylerDurden, and they didn’t try to reach me on the radio to warn me which really pissed me off. Kittyhawk and MalcolmReynolds took off in their plane, and Goodfellas drove his X-Type car and Jeddy to Inglewood to find Master Starscream.

I watched as they found Starscream in Inglewood in a swamp, covered in carrots. Starscream then taught Goodfellas the way of the Swag and how to use his carrot. He even was able to lift his X-Type car out of the swamp without any hands. I overheard Goodfellas tell Starscream that he had a bad feeling about Princess and Kittyhawk being hurt.

Over Goodfellas’ radio, I heard that Kittyhawk and MalcolmReynolds had taken their plane to see Kittyhawk’s old friend Mako in The Loop, CH. They had been followed by my pal Boba YusukeUrameshi, a bounty hunter. He kept me up to date with the information by telegram. Mako was forced to turn them over to TylerDurden, and Kittyhawk was frozen into a block of ice because he owed JohnnyNoname some money. Kittyhawk was then taken to JohnnyNoname’s Palace.

I drove behind Goodfellas as he drove with Jeddy to Chicago where he found TylerDurden. I intercepted a mobmail from him:

To: PaulyD
From: TylerDurden
Sent: Jul 26, '14 03:22
Subject:

I am your father.

And then Goodfellas looked behind at me and said:

 [23:24] <GoodFellas> he is not my daddy

I was taken aback by this, because it seemed that my cover was blown, but I don’t think he knew how long I had been behind his every step.

TylerDurden cut off Goodfellas’ hand. I tried to catch it as it was falling. His life was saved by Mako, Princess, the furry MalcolmReynolds, and OrangeJuice-. Goodfellas was then a new RH because he needed one to function at full capacity, for his full boost.

Yet again BloodySpikeS thinks about holding another card up, but instead just gives up and says the title:

Swag Wars VI: Return of the Swag

BloodySpikeS starts to for a third time:

So, since I was worried about getting found out by Goodfellas as a spy, I decided it wasn’t a good idea to wear an NPC storm trooper outfit anymore. I decided to dress up as a sand person because they probably wouldn’t have given me a second thought. I overheard them planning to get Kittyhawk back. I followed Princess as she tried to sneak in to JohnnyNoname’s Palace wearing a disguise, but she was found out as she defrosted Kittyhawk and I saw her put on display in a metal bikini. BellaSangre was also wearing a similar outfit off to the side holding JohnnyNoname’s hookah. OrangeJuice- was also captured and started people drinks, without getting any tips. Goodfellas strolled into the palace one day and got himself captured on purpose it seemed, and it was announced to us all that he was supposed to be executed by Katra.

Kittyhawk was blind for a bit after the unfreezing, but he was announced to suffer the same fate as Goodfellas, to the deadly Katra. While I was watching on a boat in the East River, awaiting death, Goodfellas managed to strange JohnnyNoname (with love). Kittyhawk knocked Boba YusukeUrameshi in front of Katra’s gunfire, and he was torn apart. I got hit with some of his blood, stained my helmet.

I followed Goodfellas in my Ty (Telkin) Fighter and found that he was going to visit the aged and dying Starscream one last time while the others all were going to an alliance base. I could hear Starscream tell Goodfellas that TylerDurden is his father, and his real name is Daddyfellas. He mentioned something about him having a sister named Erisfellas. Cantillon’s spirit appeared out of thin air and told him that he must destroy TylerDurden. I was pretty spooked honestly.

I got word that the Empire is making a new Deathstar Limo as Goodfellas met the others in his group out at a base out in Brooklyn. There they found several Ewoks, Amethyst, Amethyst’s Teddy, Tepid, Integra, BoxCutterPazzy, and so on. I didn’t catch all of their names, but they were pretty cool seeming, but as a NPC storm trooper, I had the urge to shoot the furry fellows. I watched as they all fought the Durdens as they attack. I saw Goodfellas tell Erisfellas about TylerDurden being their father and Kittyhawk tell Goodfellas, “May the Swag be with you.”

I followed the X-Type car Goodfellas was driving with Jeddy, but he was cornered by a wave of CAs in the park, and was taken in by TylerDurden and Emperor District NPC. I listened in on TylerDurden trying to convince Goodfellas to turn to the dark Durden side. Emperor District NPC looked frustrated and waved Goodfellas’ bodyguards with electricity.

Emperor District NPC tried to convince TylerDurden to kill Goodfellas, but I saw TylerDurden sacrifice himself, and was waved down with electricity. He had a giant hit put up on the hitlist that no one could buy off and was shot by the Durdens. Goodfellas killed the Emperor District NPC, and took the mask off of his father, finding Daddyfellas behind it. Goodfellas made a nice funeral pyre in Daddyfellas’ obit, and once again my lungs were filled with the smoke of death.

Unsure of my duties given the death of the Emperor District NPC, I followed Goodfellas’ return to the alliance base. They had a celebration with the Ewoks, and I took off my uniform and was even given a Mako Taco. It was really a glorious thing. I had heard stories about Mako Takos. I felt that maybe there might be a career in a business for them. It was then that I heard Princess tell Kittyhawk that she was Goodfellas’ brother, and they kissed. Kittyhawk peed himself and coughed up a severed finger. The spirits of Daddyfellas, Cantillon, and Starscream watch over the event, and I went over to give them some carrots dipped in oil.

It was then that Siobhan knew she had her chance to get the boys she loved. While Kittyhawk and MalcolmReynolds were off partying with Amethyst and the Ewoks, she swiped them, and took them off to play on a jungle gym. I was the worst NPC Storm Gangster ever. I was hired to bring them in as there was a warrant on their arrest. I decided oh, well, "I guess I can get a job at JohnnyNoname’s Palace once he recovers from Goodfellas’ love choke or perhaps just work at a Mako Tako stand part time"

BloodySpikeS coughs a bit from having a dry throat, and he takes a swig of whiskey.

Thank you all for listening. It was a lot of fun to share this story to you... Some of it has haunted me over the past few months, and it was great getting it off my chest. I hope to share a set of prequels with you in the future which shall detail how Goodfellas' Daddyfellas became TylerDurden, and hopefully can also give insight into the Swag and the power it has. It should also stand as a warning so that people don't try to go to the dark Durden side, because I can tell you that working as an NPC Storm Gangster really was a horrible job, and the bosses who all believed in that sort of dark Durden side stuff always lagged in giving me my paycheck. Surprisingly though, I guess that's how I started getting off the booze and I was like well fuck, and I sweated it out every few weeks whenever that happened... Of course, I was back on the booze intermittently, and that's when most of this story took place... Well, anyway, have a good day, and please feel free to share your thoughts. 

BloodySpikeS skips around all tired, and happy that the truth about Goodfellas’s (also known as PaulyD's) father was out, and that Whatsername (Mama Maple) could finally be at peace with him knowing.

Me skipped around and was happy

I finally found my father it took many months of convincing but Whatsername finally admitted who my father was I am sad he always comes and goes when he pleases and never takes me anywhere he doesn't do much as a father.

Luckily I was adopted by papa GOAT JohnnyNoName and he has taken good care of me speaking of Johnny he is about to take me for ice cream.

PaulyD ran away back home to go get fresh

OrangeJuice- was also captured and started people drinks, without getting any tips.

People always want my juice but I never get anything in return :(

BellaSangre was also wearing a similar outfit off to the side holding JohnnyNoname’s hookah.

Yes! I got a cameo as a hookah girl in a metal bikini - good call, BloodySpikeS :D

at first i thought this to be star wars redone, turns out its some BS about that dumb trend swag

PaulyD has a lot of swag, and he knows to searh his feelings. And yes orangejuice- people take your juice all the time without giving anything. It's quite sad... but at least sometimes the juice is worth the squeeze. 

You're welcome Tempest, it was at someone's request. 

Soon Episodes I-III will be released. Sorry for the wait!!