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Izzy, Enkindle & Two Test Cases. Started by: Squishy on Nov 23, '14 13:35

Soooo, a foolish enkindle has taken the week off to go home for the holidays and left me in charge of taking care of his 2 cats.  I have a few options at my disposal but figured I would let the userbase weigh in on which they think is the right route to take:

 

1) Feed the cats 5x the food so he comes home to two basketball size round balls of fur with tiny protrusions that sort of resemble paws.

2) Feed the cats a diet of ultra rare freshly cooked free range chicken and beef raised by monks in Tibet and breast milk from an albino twin from the jungles of Madagascar.  They will turn their nose up and ask "what is this shit?" when he returns with regular food.

3) Move the litterbox to the top of his bed so they get used to shitting there.

4) Put your idea here...
 

 

Looking forward to your responses, but act quick, we are running out of time.

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Day 1 findings:

It is really easy to get bubblegum stuck in a cats hair.  I'm sure it will come out of the Maine Coon's hair on its own. 

The little one seems partial to Listerine Breath Mint Strips ( http://www.waelpharmacies.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/listerine_pshot.jpg )  I wonder if I should bring other brands and flavors tomorrow.

I couldn't find the shit-shovel for the litter box, I did however find a slotted spatula from the kitchen.  How gross, it was sitting in the dish strainer in the open air exposed to all sorts of bacteria. It worked great sorting the litter box.

I couldn't find the bottled water, so I put Diet Coke in their water dish.  (Don't want them to get fat!)

 

P.S.  I can't find my stick of Mentos.

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As cats are mystical beings, I would feed them 5 times the food now rather than later. Their intelligent enough to know they are food. Actually only some cats do this. The others turn into giant meatballs, but lets see how these two do.

My cat has the worst breath ever and I think I'm going to test the Listerine strips today. 

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4) You should test the hypothesis that a cat won't land on it's feet if you glue a sandwich with butter on it's back. This is something the scientific community has been wondering about for decades. Do your duty and let us all know (preferably with videologs).

Hook me up if you need advice how to set up the experiment properly.

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4) Using a variety of spray paint, hair dye, and what ever else is needed and alter one cats fur colour to look like the other one. Do the same process with the other one so it looks like the first cat. Enkindle will never realise. So then many years down the track when Enkindle is old and on his death bed he will call to you and in your final words to him you reveal that the cats were switched around. Then stand make with a look of triumph as Enkindle gazes upon with a look of disgust and horror before the light goes out of his eyes. Few kinks in the plan that could be ironed out.

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Adopt two stray cats to replace the current ones. When enkindle gets home and asks wtf state that those are the cats you have been left with and have been watching the whole time.

Adopt an absurd amount of baby kittens and let enkindle know that "they are breeding a death army"

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Shave them and tell him they got way too hot and you thought they needed less hair to stay cool in the winter!

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2 words:

 

BREAD HATS (plz click)

 

One you have some nice hats / poses sorted, take many photos.

 

Then you have a couple of choices, you could:

 

a: decorate his room / house, top to bottom with said photos.

b: hide said photo's all over the place so he is finding them for the next x months.

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I'm gonna have to go with Kelly's idea here, with the bread hats. Also, hiding the pictures. Everywhere. Then after he's found them all, sneak in when he's not home and hide some more.

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Everytime you come into contact with one of the cats, send enkindle a text saying, "I stroked your pussy".

Every single time. 

For a week solid.

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Day two plan:

 

@Chelsea had a great Idea to switch the cats around.  After studying them, I figured out what to do.  The large one needs to be put on a strict diet, and the small one needs to be beefed up quite a bit.  I purchased WeightGain2200 shake powder at the local health food store. I read somewhere that teens were dipping their tampons in alcohol and inserting them rectally to get drunk faster, this same concept should apply.  This should speed things up with the small cat.  I figure 3 shakes is about 6,600 calories, which is about 2 pounds a day.  The timing will be close, but I think this will work. 

The larger cat needs to lose weight fast.  My expert powers of observation tell me that skinny white girls all drink pumpkin spiced lattes at Starbucks.  There must be a connection.

 

Day two findings:

The larger cat turned its snobby little head away from the pumpkin spiced latte until the order was corrected. Venti pumpkin spiced latte, soy, add shot, splenda and whipped cream is the only way it will drink it.

I overlooked the law of physics that states any liquid that enters into a compressed state (like the rectum), will discharge in a low volume high pressure situation.  The smaller cat has had a reaction to the weight gain shakes.  The walls of the apartment now look like  a Jackson Pollock painting.

Day three will be better.

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Litter box under the bed or somewhere that is not checked would be an awesome idea!or use catnip and just hit the place with loads of it the day before he gets home two high as fuck cats to deal with! Putting little bags in covert places with have them clawing and meowing to get to it
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On the same theme as Bunk, what you should do is get some Catnip Spray (You can find some here - http://www.amazon.com/KONG-Naturals-Catnip-1-Fluid-Ounces/dp/B001U8CED2/ref=sr_1_1?s=pet-supplies&ie=UTF8&qid=1416841491&sr=1-1&keywords=catnip+spray )

What you should then do with the catnip spray, is go through every single pair of enkindles underwear/trousers/shorts and spray them all in the crotch area with a good amount of it. Put them all back where they were and wait for his confused comments about his cats having an obsession with his genitals a few days after he gets home.

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Cats are agile creatures with quite a bit of stealth in their overall nature. I suggest attaching 400 Grit Sandpaper to the bottom of their paws to track them. Doing this will leave trails of evidence leading to the routes through the house they take. You should shave their fur to allow their coats to adapt for the upcoming winter weather. If you fear their coats won't grow back fast enough don't worry. Duct tape the fur back on which will give the mammal necessary insulation.
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Day Three:

Sooo much blood.  Who knew a hand, arm, chest, stomach, shoulder and face could bleed so much.  I have abandoned the idea of Bread Hats.  Sorry Kelly_Kapowski.

While it is only 3 days in, I feel one of the cats is starting to resent me.  The litterbox was a challenge today.  One of the cats did not "cover" his business, leaving it fully exposed for full aromatic effect.  I am unsure which cat did this, but we shall rename it to "Spiteful Cat #2"

To cut down on litterbox odor, I may add a spray or two of cologne to their water dish.  This should make their innards pleasantly appealing.

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Option 3 is definitely the best option. Get the cats used to shitting/pissing on his pillow.

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buy a ton of cat nip toys, stash them through out his place, do the same with a can of tuna (open it) and train the mainecoon to bring him pens

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