Unless you've been hiding under a rock recently, you've no doubt come in contact with the recent warning issued by City Hall. In fact, it's a warning that may even concern you. If you're one of the many unwashed masses here on our streets that are still struggling with their literacy skills let me sum it up for you: If it walks like a duck and it talks like a duck, it's probably a middle aged man trying to get into your panties. 

Thankfully, it isn't all bad news. City Hall did offer great advice on how to advert this type of case of mistaken identity, or avoid a Kelly_Kapowski as it is sometimes referred to.

... by helicoptering their genitalia while holding today's newspaper and a list of references by their local religious figure.

However, there is a fly in the ointment. What happens if the genitalia in question isn't large enough to allow for a little helicoptering?  As we recover from Thanksgiving and more towards the festive season, the elements can be fairly cruel on our nether regions. Tetley is often seen to have more nipple than moob these days and numerous reports suggest that Brendan's bighead is little more than a pimple at present. 

Even more worryingly, we've run very short on credible runs of newsprint recently. Heck, we've even run short on the non credible ones. I'm not sure if we've seen a print of repute that wouldn't require a necromancer to pass of as current. 

With all of this in mind, we'll all have very heavy minds. That's a lot of stuff to take in, and I'm fairly sure you'll still be focused on the mental image of Tetley's nipples. Honestly, those things could cut diamonds. It also leaves us in a position of limbo and with a lot of unanswered questions. I've come here today to make up answers to those questions.... I mean provide you with detailed, fact checked and irrefutable answers to these more pressing of matters. So if you're concerned if that lass you've been whispering sweet nothings too is really a ladyboy, #AskSat. If you're worried that knight in shining armour you've been sharing your private pics with is really a twelve year old pubescent shit that will share your nudes around the family, share your nudes with me first and I'll let you know if I think you might be able to do better before distribution or if you might need a fluffer. Just #AskSat. 

To get the ball rolling, lets address some of the questions that have plagued our shores for some time now, shall we #AskSat?

Whatsername's name really is Pussy Galore? 

No. This is an understandable mistake though. Pussy Galore is the given name of Curtis, full name Pussy Galore Humpalot Squirty Curtis, so it's clear why he tends to go by the pseudonym alone. Given his close relationship to Whatsername it's easy to see how the facts might have been misconstrued in this case.

SpikeS once get beaten up by a full stop? 

We don't have direct proof of this one, but the way the two avoid each other in paragraphs we're pretty sure there's some truth to the rumours. I'm going to use best judgement here and say, yes, this one is true. In associated news, I also believe that the full stop in question appropriated Spike's virginity, set up home with it and the two are living in bliss in the Alaskan wilderness.

BlackBetty been gallivanting up and down the Delaware River motor-boating all comers at $5 a ride?

This one is a scurrilous insult with no grounding in the truth what so ever. She'd never dream of charging $5 a go, she gives it away for free daily and considers it a joy... no, an obligation to fill this role for society. Since the arrival of Betty and her minions, Philadelphia really has become the motor-boating capital of the world. 

Kyubey is a lazy sod who is lulled to sleep by the sounds of war?

This one has its grounding in fact, but sadly is a fiction. Kyubey isn't lazy per se, he just suffers the terrible affliction of narcolepsy. Along with kleptomania, pyromania, sexual compulsions and various other things he likes to refer to as 'hobbies'. The fact that these episodes of narcolepsy tend to get spotted during times of war is merely a coincidence, he often falls asleep in the middle of conversations too it's just that everyone tends to ignore him and never notice.

Flash-Fire got his bloodlines name from his speed and efficiency servicing young ladies?

Again, blatant lie! Flashy never has had and never will have a young lady, or an old one... probably not even anylady boys.

As you can clearly see, if you're having a problem in this world of ours just #AskSat. That, or go motorboating with BlackBetty. There isn't a problem in this world that can't be helped by sharing it with Uncle Sat or motorboating the shit out of it with Betty. 

Good Satanta, I have heard rumor spoken that my muse, the lovely Kelly_Kapowski is a woman of such God-like divinity that she pisses wine. Please honor me with clarity, for if there is truth to the legend, I would like to someday quench my thirst from her fountain.  Hail Batiatus.

Mighty Batiatus. As a man far wiser... well, not so much wiser, lets say older. As a man far older than I once said...

A Gladiator does not fear death. He embraces it. Caresses it. Fucks it. Each time he enters the arena, he slips his cock in the mouth of the beast, and prays to thrust home before the jaws snap shut.

Do not question the liquids emanating from the wench. Jupiters cock, if the gods have seen fit to grace this world with such liquids who are you to deny them? Embrace them. Bath in them. Consume them. Potentially even distil, bottle and sell them... though I will have to claim a share of intellectual property rights if you do go with that last one. The gods have seen fit to really bless you when they deem fit to combine coin, cunt and intoxicating liquids.

As for the reality of what these liquids are... if red liquids are being expelled from your dear lady and you believe someone has said there's "wine", I'd suggest listening a little closer to see if they might have just said "whine" potentially accompanied by "on the rag".

In light of these new revelations things have changed dramatically people. This is the type of exciting development that only happens when you #AskSat.

If you're visiting the fantastic city of Philadelphia and wish to experience the best of its sights and sounds, do come to the Delaware River. You can now, for the bargain price of just $20* a head... so that's $40 per man, watch as the insatiable Maria goes to town motorboating with the ever tempestuous BlackBetty. You won't believe your eyes with this visual extravaganza which is sure to have the waters flowing faster than the Delaware has ever seen before. 

* Tickets are non refundable. The spectator area is uncovered and some of the seats are elevated, so should you find yourself wet or in a position of erection this is beyond our control. The ladies will be going all the way, to town so to speak, so please choose your positions accordingly. During the show the placement of cleavage may fall as well as rise.  

​Hermione watched BlackBetty with the greatest of admiration. This lady was fucking fabulous.

I cannot confirm nor deny any of these allegation set forth by Satanta.

I will say though. I do sleep a lot and I often wake up when cities are half destroyed!

Who knew cats could semi-hibernate? ..I didn't