It was a day like any other, the only difference was the fact that this day was unlike any other day in the history of human-kind, for you see; today was the day that Ted would finally learn to read. Long gone were the days he would have to point to the menu and then grunt at the waitress until she knew what he was ordering, now he would be able to loudly proclaim his meal before grunting at her to hurry. The days of him walking through the corridors of his apartment building trying to figure out which floor he was on, and why his bed had been replaced with a washing machine before realizing that he had instead stumbled into the nearby cleaners would be a thing of the past.

Yes, Ted would finally be free of the bind that bonded... him? I'm not entirely sure how that should go, but once I learn how to read more better I'll surely be able to say more smart sayings like that better. Anyways, back to the story at hand-- strolling down one of his favorite alley ways with his gun in tow, he finally reached the man who would teach him how to be one with the book. Dirty Sam.

"Ey, you Ted? Sam told me to keep watch for ya. Ya got the money?" his shoes looked rather pristine for being poor, but the rest of him was as grimy as it came, and Ted was almost entirely sure he wasn't wearing any pants, but rather a bunch of magazines taped together. Oh well, at least he had the funny pages. Family Circus was always a riot.

"Yeah, that's me."

Pushing his gun back into his pocket, he followed the man into a tiny building. He had never seen this building before, even though he had fancied himself to be quite the explorer. He could name every sewer-way from Chicago to New York, and had more stories from under the bridges of America than the average hobo could shake a stick at. Yes, exploring was quite a hobby of Ted's, and now he would put all of those life lessons to the test. 

"Is siz ze Ted who wished for my vervices?" The man had quite the lisp, but Ted could figure out most of what he was saying, the hardest part was getting over the giant eye-patch adorning the left side of his face. He didn't know the man was a Pirate. Could Pirates even read? He had once looked at a picture-book involving a Pirate and all he could muster from it was that little boys in green tights were their only formidable foe, and he didn't bring his tights with him. Damn!

"Yes... I just told the other guy... that's me."

"So, you vish to learn to read? Reading iz not somefings that is tawt in a day or two, and it vill cost losh of cashola. Do you haves the dowe? I'm sure vu do. Only a vupid man would come to ve wiffout money.." The man reached out and waited for Ted to drop the money into his hand, but sadly he had forgotten his money satchel at home, along with his tights. How would he explain away this one?! Clutching at his side he began to make loud groaning sounds, maybe his two weeks at a drama class would finally come to use? 

"OUCH. OUCH. I THINK HEART ATTACK. I'M HAVING. OUCH!!!" he put on his bravest dying face and collapsed himself to the ground, before realizing that cement is much harder than he had anticipated. Once his head hit the floor, the lights were out, and Ted had a much bigger problem to deal with when he finally awoke...

Drrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip...

Drrrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiippppp...

Drrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

"Will you fucking stop making sounds? The kid is waking up, I think. Boss told us to take him out to the trash once he came to."

"The trash? Can't we just leave him here? He probably weighs a ton."

"We're gonna make him walk, dumbass."

"Don't call me a dumbass, you dumbass."

"Hey, fuck you."

"Fuck YOU!"

"NO..."

The first thing Ted sees when his eyes first open are two oddly shaped men, both arguing over something his mind can't comprehend at this point in time. Looking around the area, he notices that he's still in the small room. Where'd the pirate go? Why are these guys arguing? Is he still wearing pants?! Looking down, he lets off a sigh of relief. His pants aren't on. That's how he always envision dying, completely nude and out in the wild. Just like God intended. Wait. He wasn't ready to die, he had so much left to do with his life, so many things to see, and he still didn't know how to read yet!

Slowly trying to stand up, he realized the two men had no idea he was awake, and also that their insult game was in its prime. Never before had he heard so many hateful words towards mothers, it was quite awe-inspiring. Perhaps one day these men would have a venue to let out this parental bashing, some magical place where you can make all the jokes you want without any recompense. Sadly however, at this time there was no land like that and these two seemed to be rather close to each other for the slanders they were dishing out. It was only inevitable that...

BAM. BAM. BAM. BAM. BAM.

Honestly, Ted thought to himself, that was a bit of an overkill. If this man was willing to unload that many bullets for a simple syphilis joke, then Ted did not want to stick around for whatever was going to happen to him. Jumping up from where he laid, he began to take off in a zig zag pattern; he always heard that's the best way to dodge bullets. 

"I'll get you, ya fucker! I promise you that!" Ted took that to mean that he had successfully escaped the ordeal, but now he had a bigger problem on his hands. These people didn't seem like the kind to stop. Pirates rarely ever gave up after the first attack, and he was pretty certain they had cannons. Slinking off down an alley or two, he finally reached his apartment, before noticing the Head Pirate standing outside the doors. Fuck.

This was going to get a whole lot complicated before it got easy, but Ted knew exactly where to go. There was a man, you see, a man who could make problems like this go away for a slight bit of money-- but first, he needed to find some. Darting back down the alley from whence he came, Ted made his way into a bank. Two policemen quickly walked over to him and escorted him outside, how did they know he was planning to rob the place?! Did the PD employ seers now?!

"Sir, we'll have to ask you to come with us."

"But... what did I DO?"

"You're not wearing any pants... that's a violation..."

Before the man could finish, Ted took off running again. New step one. Find pants.

After escaping from the cops down a few dizzying alleyways, Ted took a sigh of relief and looked down at his lack of pants, he really did have to do something about this at some point if he wanted to make it anywhere in the city. Working his way down one of the streets, he noticed a rather antique looking building and made his way inside. The size of the place from the inside was dizzying, far bigger than his mind could have imagined from looking at the door; he made his way down one of the halls and then realized exactly what the place was-- a library, oh his nemesis cropped itself up again. Damn you, reading. Damn you to Hell.

"Uh... you can't be in here! You can't be in here! We have the elderly present! and children! Do you want me to call the cops?! I'm from Baltimore! I know how to click buttons! Don't make me do it!" Ted grabbed the nerd and had an idea, he pushed him up against a closet wall and a few minutes later, he had pants! Walking out of the closet he went deeper into the maze which was a library. Nodding at the people inside, he pretended as if he was meant to be here. As if he were born to read! Maybe he didn't need a lispy pirate at all, maybe all he needed was some real life experience. Just like the time he wanted to learn what it was like to be a wolf, so he ate that entire duck alive... well, or so he tried, before learning the hard way just how big of a dick a duck can truly be when someone is chasing it with a fork.

"So, what will I try to read first?" 

He situates his new pants a bit, and makes his way deeper into the annals of the library. Looking around he finally finds a book which catches his eye, its title is The Letters of Doctor Revan. Grabbing the book he whisked himself to an open table and opened it up, looking hard at the words did him no good as they all still jumbled together. He tried everything he could remember from his three years in school, he even went so far as to mouth out the words out loud, but sadly even the first few were too hard for the poor man.

Ted was stumped, but he would not give up so easily. 

...I'm not an actual doctor, and anything you manage to read in this book should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES BE TAKEN AS ACTUAL MEDICAL PROOF. You see, I merely wanted to seem important and who is more esteemed than doctors? Besides, all this ripping into people with saws seems easy enough, so why couldn't I if I wanted? So, anyways, good reader. Now that I've made my prologue let me continue!

"Sheesh. All of these big words, like... n... note? Not? What the hell is that supposed to mean, anyways? May as well ignore all of this and move down to the good stuff that I can understand."

Skimming further down the line he continues to read, and oh read he did, it all clicked in his head as if he could read the entire time, because wait a minute. He could! Damn. Who would have thought? Ted simply took one too many pills and had completely forgotten he could read, which to be fair, happens to everyone at some point in their lives. It was just the epiphany he needed to put a pep in his step, and Ted gladly took the help. He read for hours, maybe even days? He read through chapters and chapters and soaked up every single tidbit of information the book had to offer, and then he jumped up. He was ready.

Walking out the door he came through, he boldly walked back to his apartment, he had to put an end to this piracy once and for all, and from what he read in the book; he knew exactly how to handle this bastard. The man noticed him quickly for someone who only has one eye to work with, which to be honest, Ted was not expecting. With the snap of his fingers, four men exited the apartment and aimed their guns directly at the poor soul. Was this his end?

"STOP! I just want to talk to you..."

"Hmm... zis is finesh. Boysth let him pazz to ze." the man clicked his fingers again and the four men parted like the red sea, which funnily enough, Revan was at when that happened. Damn. What a font of information that fella was. Ted walked through the people, gently brushing up against them to show his toughness. Revan wrote about that, too. It was under page seven hundred forty two, section A, part five of the chapter which dealt with dealing with pirates. 

"I don't want any harm... I just want to... DANCE!" Ted began breaking off some moves which he read would disorient the pirate, and possibly even work his way into his heart. He didn't care which one happened first, as long as it worked, but the stone hearted bastard didn't seem to care one bit about the sashaying. Even though, admittedly, Ted sashayed like a champ.

"What zee fuck? I don't fucksing care for zis. Stopth it, Stopth it now. All zi want iz me moneys. Gives me themz now." Ted eyed up the man as he eyed him right back, maybe Revan didn't know what he was talking about after-all, which meant the next thing he was about to do would fail spectacularly, but he had to try. Maybe, just maybe, if he believed enough. It would all come true.

Or maybe, just maybe. Ted would die. TLDR had to be good for something other than being a good read, and the pirate with the lisp who Ted owed money to for buying his services to teach Ted how to read more good was looking anxious. More anxious than the time those two guys working for the pirate got into the duel and one of them died and Ted ran away and remembered he could read all along, and even way more anxious than the time Ted got up a bunch of courage and walked over to the pirate and challenged him to a dance off, but the pirate said no and asked Ted for money.

Even more anxious than all of that, but Ted, being Ted, had a plan... and his plans never fail.

It all came down to this one moment. 

It was his time to shine, it was the final straw culminated by hours of reading and practicing karate moves behind the library, everything he had ever learned and ever read would all come to a point. This point. The man stared at him with his one peircing eye, it was blue, to be honest, actually pretty nice; had he not became a pirate he probably had a lovely career of acting down the line. His voice left a lot to be desired though, and his oblique game was rather weak, but other than that...

"Ze fuck are yu lookings at? My facth ith up here." 

Oh, and the lisp. Yes, maybe acting wasn't in his cards, or maybe the lisp came from the eye accident? Who was to really say, but the pirate did not look amused and so Ted stopped his musings early. It was time for him to begin his plan. You see, in the book he read, Ted realized that there were only nineteen ways to deal with a pirate lord who is standing outside of your apartment building with four goons holding their guns to your head in brazen fashion ready to fire at any given second, and out of those nineteen, only eighteen of them were practical. Who liked practicality anyways? It was never for him.

"GET READY! TO DIE!" upon shouting the words, he pulled out his gun and began to fire wildly at the five men, and one by one, they all fell to him. He had done it! The odds were against him, and yet using guile and strength, along with pure determination and a zest that just wouldn't stop, he found a way to turn them in his favor. Learning that sweet spin move didn't hurt either.

"You know, I think that would have worked against anyone... not just pirates... oh well." he began to walk up to his apartment before he heard a coarse sound coming from the pile of bodies beneath him. Looking down, he noticed the pirate, no longer with eye patch, staring up at him with two rather normal looking eyes.

"Whoa. You're not a pirate?! or are you? I'm so confused right now."

"V... vat... are yu talkthing about? I just... likthed the look..." the man clutched onto his patch and then with his last breath, let it fall from his hands. He was finally with his pirate brethren on the big ship in the sky, Ted thought to himself with a smile on his face, and hey, he learned how to read. He should do things like this more often.

Taking the patch, he fashioned it around his eye and walked up to his home. It was a good weekend after-all. Until he opened his door and realized the bomb attached to his wall. Shit. Pirates, they never just give up, do they?

This was it...

It was time to die...

Just let go...

Let the bomb take you...

You can't do it...

You just can't...

I'm really hungry...

The thoughts swirled around in his mind, so quickly and yet without pause. He was ready to sit there and die, and that is exactly what he did, grabbing some popcorn he gathered from underneath his couch; he sat there on the floor and waited for the timer to reach zero. It was at four minutes and one of the very few things not covered in The Letters of Doctor Revan was the how-to on disarming a bomb, and he sadly had not repressed this memory. That is when he heard the loud knocking on his door-- was it another person waiting to kill the poor man, or was it his savior in waiting?

"Hey, Ted. Are you in there? It's me, your best friend and also noted bomb expert, Michael Motorcycle. I hadn't heard from you for a while, and so decided to check in. Are you okay?" 

"MICHAEL. MICHAEL MOTORCYCLE, GET IN HERE THIS INSTANT."

"But the door's locked..."

Ted jumped up from where he sat and ran over to the door, nearly kicking it down in the process as he let in the beautiful bastard. Michael knew exactly why Ted sounded so dire and jumped to action! It was a thing of magic, he pulled out his bomb disarmament kit and got to work immediately.

"Do you have any honey? and perhaps an assortment of eggs in various stages of rotting? I'll need both or else we're up in flames soon."

"Haha. Do I ever." Rushing into his kitchen, he came back out a few moments later with all of the things Michael needed, he wasn't sure if it was magic, or the intricate science of bomb disarming, but it was finally over... the entire thing was finished. They were both saved. He wouldn't die tonight! It was as if all of his prayers were answered, and then it happened. Michael sassily looked back at Ted, and pulled a gun out from his pocket, aiming the weapon directly at Ted's head.

"Ted, I was the one who put up the bomb!"

"But Michael... why..."

"Well, you see, I never really liked you."

"Fair enough, but I mean... why did you save me if you had a working bomb that was going to kill me?"

"I wanted to see your eyes go white, myself."

Turning his eyes into his head, he hoped that would be enough for Michael to let him go, but no, no it did not work. The man, without even taking a second longer to set up any more monologue, pulled the trigger. It was all over. Ted's life flashed before his eyes and a whirlwind of emotions took him by storm. He had finally ran out of luck.

Or had he?! The Mafia worked in mysterious ways.

Bullets. They have a funny way of working, most of the time its so straight forward. They fire from the weapon, hit the target, and everyone moves on. Not this time. You see, the gun must have been faulty, or maybe the bomb man just didn't know very much about the art of using a gun, but his bullet of choice don't do well against a bullet proof vest. Ted always wore a bullet proof vest, it was great for his physique and really made his arms pop. You'd swear you were looking at a muscle bound hotty if you gave him a quick stare, but that was mostly just because you were.

This time it went a bit differently, the bullet still fired, and it still hit its target, and yes, the target went flying to the floor, and its eyes went black; but deep inside that mind. It was still churning. Still thinking about its next move. Ted refused to die. He had so much more work to do on this planet.

"Hm... no blood... maybe... I don't know... I don't know what's supposed to happen here. Never killed anyone. Hmm. Okay, I'll kick him or something? That'll work." Michael walks over to the body lying on the floor, it doing a rather convincing display of being dead-- letting out a few whacks with his foot, he was content with the results and took a detour to the fridge.

Luckily for Ted, he had been so used to being assaulted by various angry women and jealous men that his body had formed a kind of protection against pain. Laying in wait, he watched the man. He watched him with an anger growing in his eyes, who was this man to come into his house and open HIS fridge?! Was nothing sacred? He pulled out platter after platter of food, and finally it was the last straw. He took the cheese, not the god damned cheese.

"Mmm. This food selection is pretty good, who would have known? Ted the connoisseur? More like Ted the DEAD. Ha ha. Good one, Micheal. Okay, time to get out of this shit hole. Until never, you stupid fuck." 

Ted's anger waned, I mean, those jokes were pretty funny, even he had to admit. Ted the Dead. Ha. Classic Michael. Yet he still had to act, and so act he did.

"HEY. WAIT. I'm not dead!" Ted jumped up and immediately regretted the decision to do so, he thought the pain would have subsided by now, but it all seemed to come back when he did the overly dramatic yell. His lungs must have been in more pain than he had originally thought, but it was too late. He had already committed to playing the tough guy routine. 

He grabbed his gun from his pocket and aimed it to Michael's head, he wouldn't make the same mistake and shoot for any other part of his body; you never know when someone is going to have a bullet proof vest underneath. Playing with his pistol a bit, he waited for Michael to beg for his life, and yet silence. The crazy bastard only began to laugh.

"Ha. Ha. HA! You think I'm the only one who wants you dead, Ted? You have enemies all over the place. Did you think being so good looking and talented at everything you do would go unnoticed? No, my friend. You're a dead man walking, be it from me or someone else. There's an entire coalition against you, and I'm not even the most active member."

"So you think I'm good looking?! Really?! You know, I was starting to feel kind of down about my appearance, but damn. That's a huge confidence booster. Thanks!" 

He could wait no longer. He took the shot. Then he began his journey, he couldn't stay in this apartment anymore. Not with a whole slew of people after him. From what Michael said, it could be anyone. How was he to be for certain who was friend and who was foe? He had to figure it out and quick.

Maybe it would be the milk guy, with his damn milk and that smile always fixed on his face, or was it the woman who always knocked on his door asking him if he had heard the gospel of the lord? No one was that determined. No one. It was all a ruse. Everyone was involved in some kind of ruse. Some kind of game. Games... could it be his old high school friend he played football with?! He hadn't been in contact for years, he always thought it was just because he was hiding in wait, watching Ted's every move. Very sneaky, Brad. You lying bastard. So many people to watch out for... he couldn't trust anyone.

Grabbing his gun, and stepping over the dead body; he started yet another excellent adventure. It was time to find the legend he had read so much about, the man who knew his way around the block, the genius who taught him everything he knew up until this point; the only one he could truly trust. It was time for him to locate Doctor Revan, and put an end to all of this for good.

But not before stopping at the store and getting some more damn cheese.

He pulled up to a corner store and smiled to himself, this was the start of a wonderful day filled with cheese and adventure, if only he cared about the adventure as much as he did the cheese. Stepping out of his car he began to think about his old friend Michael and the words he had said, the wisdom he had imparted him with such a vulgarity that Ted blushed a bit as he said it-- the word fuck always brought the red to his cheeks, he wasn't sure why. He was manly enough to admit it however, and that's all that mattered to him; but yes, Michael, oh the words of Michael and how the still resonate.

"...there's a coalition against you, and I'm not even the most active member.", it continued to roar through his mind the entire time he walked up and down the aisles of the stores. Could the tiny man behind the counter be part of it? He continuously peeked out meekly at Ted as if he were keeping tabs on him, or maybe the hot blonde woman who kept walking right next to Ted, she smelt somewhat like flowers which was nice, but could that have been just a ruse? Could she be pulling him in? Paranoia was taking over, and so shoving Colby and Swiss into his pockets, he ran out the back door. He wasn't about to pay a man who may want him dead.

Jumping at the sight of a mangy mutt sleeping out back, he decided he rather liked the dog, and fashioning a rope around his neck he now had a partner in crime. What would he name him? He wasn't entirely sure, but the dog seemed nice, he seemed caring, and he was willing to follow Ted with very little resistance... he was a buddy.

"Buddy. You like that name boy?" 

The dog wagged his tail and stood up from where he was laying, and Ted and his buddy continued with their adventure. They traversed many streets and establishments, ducking in and out of various spots in an attempt to keep the eyes in the sky from knowing exactly where he was, and then he took the first car he could see. Him and Buddy jumped into it, and the hotwiring started. He couldn't exactly remember how the wires went, was it black to black? Red to yellow? Green to blue? Aqua to silver? This was all so confusing.

"HEY! THAT'S MY CAR. WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY..."

"WOOF. WOOF. WOOF!", Buddy became an entirely new creature, so much more vicious and cruel, it was a look that Ted really liked on the dog, and it did wonders for keeping the civilian at bay long enough for him to figure out which wires went where. The car started like a charm and they took off on their merry way down the streets of wherever the hell they were. Ted didn't even know at this point, he just continued to drive. Almost completely forgetting where he was driving too.

21 Miles Away - New York City

That's right! He was searching for Doctor Revan to find out how he could save himself from the doom that was creeping upon him slowly but surely, and New York was one of the first things mentioned in the book. TLDR was filled with cities, and he planned on going to each and every one until he found the man. Buddy didn't seem to mind either, he was a pretty chill animal when he wasn't mad. It almost seemed eerie how used to the mafia life he was, almost as if he had been in this line of work before.

"Okay, where's first? I think he mentioned a dry cleaners, and a pizzeria. Maybe he's at one of those places? Where do you want to go first? Dry cleaners or delcious pizza? Dry cleaners... delicious... pizza. Yeah. I know where we should go first, too." 

They pulled into a random motel and booked a room, they just needed a little sleep. Just a few minutes of shut eye before continuing on with all of their events. 

"One room please, and do you accept dogs?"
"No, no dogs here, sir. but he can sleep outside, we have various..."

Pulling out his gun he aims it at the man. Luckily for him and Buddy, he changes his tune dramatically and offers to allow them to sleep in the biggest room they've got for free. How nice. They both jump onto the bed and fall asleep. It'll only be a few minutes now, then they'll be more than ready... not... long at all.

KNOCK

KNOCK

KNOCK!!!

What could that be? Ted opened his eyes and looked through the eye-hole in the hotel door. It was the man from the front desk, and he had a few officers of the law behind him. Damn. Who knew that threatening someone with a weapon could be construed as against the law? He thought on his feet and ran to the bathroom window. 

"Open up. I uh... need to talk with you about the name you put on the sign-in sheet. Just a few moments of your time. Hello? Are you there? Are you there?! Open up, please!" 

Grabbing the telephone from the desk next to his bed, he threw it at the bathroom window and ordered Buddy to jump out first. His new best friend does as instructed and dives through the window, and Ted quickly joins him. Both he and Buddy are back on the run, and they're no closer to Revan than they started. This might be harder than he thought...

"So where to next? How about this cemetary mentioned in the end of the book? It says its his final resting place, maybe he's still there?", Buddy gives off a moan and Ted shrugs. He isn't sure what he said wrong, but Shady Oaks Cemetery in LA will be their next destination, all the way on the other side of America. This oughta be fun.