Today had been an extremely long day, one fraught with danger and excitement... at one point, he was almost entirely certain he was going to die. It was all in good fun, you see, today he had done things which nearly no other mobster had done before.

He took on the law, and the Ted won.

That's why when he went back to his ratty apartment in the crappy side of the city, he was sad to notice that there were almost no pickles left in any of the eleven jars he has hidden in various places around the kitchen, and even more upset when he noticed his sock drawer had nary a sock-- the most sacred of a man's possessions, the sock. Yet Ted had none. This was a sad day for him, and a sad day for everyone else indeed. The people who look up to him, the men and women of the mafia. Perhaps they would be willing to help?

So he got to work and created a poster, surely it would help him with his money woes.

 

TED'S EXCELLENT DONATION DRIVE

Are you hungry every night? Even after you've eaten a whole bunch of food?

Do you own a bike? No? Good.

Are you over 6 feet tall?

Do you share your bed with nine dogs and a french hen?

Is your name Ted?

If you've answered yes to any of these questions, then you most likely know what it feels like to be without. Starting today, there's a way you can help! Don't believe me? Well then maybe you need an attitude adjustment. Don't be that guy who needs an attitude adjustment, and help Ted, TODAY! You see, nine out of ten mobsters don't have to deal with these problems, and for every tenth there's Ted. 

What will you get if you donate? Easy! Stuff.

• $1000 - Shit, cause that's kind of a bullshit amount of money.
• $100,000 - A Thank You Card... and that's it.
• $500,000 - A Thank You Card AND Everything you received with the previous two! DEALS!
• $1,000,000 - A Hug, a Thank You, and another thank you just in case the first one wasn't enough.
• $10,000,000 or more?! - You're crazy. Don't even look at me.

​For a measly $250,000, you can become a TED member. What is that, you ask?! T.E.D stands for Totally Educated Donator, and really you don't get anything cool. I just really wanted to create an acronym out of my name. The $250,000 would totally go to a good cause though, and wouldn't you sure feel swell?

So donate today, sucker! I mean... sucker. Shit. I really wish whiteout was invented.

a TED PRODUCTIONS production

 He was happy with the flyer and began to hang it up everywhere, even places where you'd not even look. Like I mean, he went to the woods and put a whole bunch up there. He's crazy... crazy cool. Haha. That's a joke, folks. Plus, he was kind of hoping the forest animals would be willing to help out a bit too. You never know, Ted has seen some shit. He knows to always expect the unexpected.

Walking back to his house, he laid back down on the floor, took a huge swig of whiskey, and then realized he really didn't like whiskey. Spitting it out, he quickly fell asleep. Maybe by the time he woke up, his entire house would be filled wish cash? One can only hope...

well ted you need help brother ...lol

You're sure right Hudson, I do! and for only $150,000 you too could be one of the people who helps me. For an added $50,000 I'll even throw in some stew I made a few days ago, but it looks kind of sour now so I'll just leave it be. We're all tough mafioso here, but sometimes we too need to help one another.

Ted holds out his hands and does a spin, to show unity or some shit. Maybe he's just really, really high? Who can ever be for certain. Then he realized he's not in his apartment at all, but rather in the middle of the streets. Hopefully the people would come and discuss how brilliant of a plan Ted has concocted, or even more importantly, drop him a few hundred thousand.

Ted, oh Ted. If you create a patch I could wear upon my suit, I could gladly become a supporter of TED. I like to advertise my charity for all those around to see. The more people that see your TED patch, the more people to likely become awesome and donate as well. In being the founder of the TED patch idea, I will not require any royalties. Seeing you happy, and not harassing people about the taking over as king of the world gives me enough pleasure.

KarmenKayne was minding her own business, walking on the sidewalk of all places, when she saw Ted, spinning in circles in the middle of the street, with his hands raised like he was talking to Jesus. She almost was too distracted by that, barely managing to miss a telephone pole that was about two feet in front of her face. When she looked at the pole, there was a poster there, advertising Ted's donation drive.

She laughed at the pure ridiculousness of it, but was actually rather surprised by Ted's creativity. The wording made her laugh, and she could imagine him, the man in the street, actually saying it. It was purely vivid. So.. Karmen decided she would be the first donator, because she had some money to blow. Why not give it to the needy?

Walking up to Ted, Karmen said, "Here you to, Ted. This little baby is for you."

She then handed him the roll of money, which totaled.. something.. Only Ted would know. And she was sure he would advertise it immediately anyways. 

"Hopefully that will buy you some more of those pickles I've heard you like, and maybe get some separate beds for all of the "stuff" that sleeps with you.. Maybe even find a woman to sleep with instead? Oh, and I'll be looking for that T.E.D patch in the mail." Karmen laughed, then waved goodbye to Ted, who had started singing (at least she thought it was singing) and dancing in the street.

go*

Estavon reaches into his pockets grabbing the little bit of change that jingled in his pockets

"So is this what you're looking for?", Estavon said to Ted

Estavon hands Ted $0.26 hoping he doesn't know his math...

Ted begins to pile up all of the money he had received, raking it into his car so he that he may take it back to his apartment when all is said and done. He waves to Karmen as she leaves, and jingles around a few of the bills she handed him, it was a pretty nice gesture for someone who was so mean about Ted's love life. Ah well. He got the last laugh, as Estavon walked over and gave him...

Holy hell!

"Is this 260 million dollars?! I've never seen this much cash before... lets keep this between you and me though, I would hate for people to realize I'm loaded now." Jingling the coins in his hands, he shoved them deep into his pocket and walked away as if nothing ever happened. He wasn't sure why the man helped him so much, but he sure was thankful.

He decided it was best to keep the show rolling, at least for now. Why stop at just millionaire? He could always aspire to become a dillionaire, or something. Pulling out one of the dimes the man gave him, he flips it up into the air a few times, before losing his sense of balance and having it roll down into a nearby gutter.

Rats! That was at least half of his funds so far... 

Official TED ™ Donator

This patch could be coming to your suit soon. Make your donations today ladies and gentlemen.

YourNextWife walks by as Ted drops his dime down the drain and says "Tough luck man, I've seen your fliers around town and saw that you needed some socks so..." Serina reachs into her bag and pulls out a value pack of socks and hands it to Ted "I decided to buy you some socks since we can't have you running around with no socks, oh and make sure you open that envelope when you're at home." YourNextWife smiles and walks along on her merry way.

Ted was kind of flustered, his donation drive had taken off, but not as much as he was hoping; and the day was slowly coming to an end, so counting his jar of money he threw it into the middle of the street in defiance. He was not going to settle for the paltry sum he had been given and he was more than willing to let the people know it.

As it smashed against the ground and money poured out, he soon came to the realization that people weren't mad at all by the act and instead ran out into the street-way to begin collecting as much of it into their pockets as they could hold. Making a somewhat sour face, Ted walked over to his car and decided it was time to call it quits... but not before one more final try, he had one last trick up his sleeve. One last shot into the wind. One last... some sort of expression for one last go goes here.

"Ladies and Gentleladies, I present to you, in conjunction with Ragnarok and a few behind the scenes very best and close personal friends; the T.E.D Badge. Given to only the highest dona tors to me, Ted. T.E.D Members will be known throughout every city and every district of this thing of ours, and they will all be respected and revered as some of the most helpful people to have ever graced these streets. Come donate, and come get a badge. Only one per person."

Pulling out the badge for all to see, he waited for the men and women to happily line up and drop wads of cash at his feet. 

Here jabroni, The Great one had a whip round at the Smackdown Hotel and the staff came up with some money for your little collection. The Great one himself added $25 to it to round it up to a nice even number. Fact of the matter is, The Rock was expecting a three foot tall tan bear, not some goofy looking pile of monkey crap.

Chris puts his shades on and mumbles something about olfactory senses and the culinary arts before strutting off down the street to find someone to lay the smackdown upon.

Ted you are crazy!  No one in their right mind would donate to this.....whatever it is.

BlackJack walks along the streets of South Side Chicago enjoying the evening sun. He stops over at a local bar and orders a beer, something very out of character and unusual for him. But hey, its a rare sunny day and there has been very little to stress about, so why not enjoy a brew. He pulls a cigar out of his right breast pocket and cuts it, preparing it to be lit. He orders another beer from the bar maid and proceeds to walk out the front door of the pub. He lights his cigar and takes 6 puffs from it. Before long the barmaid brings his beer outside to him and questions:

"Why are you out here smoking that cigar? You do know you can smoke it inside the bar?"

BlackJack turns to the barmaid and gently smiles his signature charismatic smile:

"Well you see my dear, it is a beautiful day outside, why not enjoy the warmth and the fresh air? Not everyone is a fortunate as us..."

The barmaid acknowledges BlackJack's comments and turns to go back to work. BlackJack continues to sip his beer and smoke his cigar in 6 puff intervals. Just as he finished his beer he notices a poster attached to a lamp post. He skims through it and notices a familiar phrase at the bottom of it:

a TED PRODUCTIONS production

BlackJack has a smile to himself as he remembers some funny times with his old friend Ted. He chuckles and says to himself:

"I wonder what mischief Ted has gotten himself into this time..."

BlackJack continues to walk along to Ted's apartment in South Side. On arrival BlackJack finds Ted passed out on the floor with a half empty bottle of whiskey open and next to him. BlackJack gentle wakes Ted up by squeezing him on the shoulders and splashing water on his face.

Waking up from his alcohol induced slumber, he feels the wetness on his face. Was he in the Ocean again?! He hates when that happens, attempting the doggy paddle maneuver one of his arms slams against the floor and at that moment he fully wakes himself up-- nothing like a little bit of extreme pain to clear the senses. Quickly scanning the room he noticed BlackJack standing there looking down at him with a peculiar look on his face.

"Oh, hey. Hey. I'm alive. Are you here to donate?! The coffers are... where the hell did I put those? I don't even know how I got back in my house, must have been the wind. Give me a second, I'll find the bottle." 

He rummages through his house in a flash, and from beneath a few newspapers and a giant bottle of soap, he pulls out a bottle filled with a few pennies and some dollar bills. Sadly the bottle still had some soda left inside of it, so the bills are stuck to the sides. Dumping it over, a few of the pennies and the like fall out. He puts one up to BlackJack's face and lets off a grin.

"You see this? You see what I'm working with?! No one respects a good drive anymore, I even made badges!" his grin turns to a frown as fast as it came and he lowers his head for a moment. 

"So what brings you here, bud? Did you get one of my flyers?"

She notices Ted down the street handing out some sort of flyer.  Wondering what ridiculous scheme he is up to now, she grabs a discarded flyer.  Looking it over, she just shakes her head.  Does he really think people are going to give him money?  It was quite the creative, well thought out plan to beg for money, but still.  Someone would have to be crazy to give Ted their money. 

She lets the flyer drop and walks toward Ted.  She briefly questions whether he actually is onto something here, but quickly discards the thought.  Its Ted, of course this crazy plan of his wouldn't work.  Getting closer, she contemplates stealing what little money people have actually given him.  Being in a cheerful mood, she decides against it, at least for today.  Reaching Ted, she smiles.

Ah Ted, what a grand plan you have here.  Has anyone actually fallen for it? 

She shoves a dollar at him with a grin.

So what will that get me?  Maybe one of those fancy patches? 

Right before BlackJack could say a a single word, two men walked into the house and pulled him away, they weren't dressed in the normal police attire, but they definitely spoke the official jargon. Undercover, perhaps? Ted wasn't sure, and they didn't stick around long enough to explain what was going on. He sighed and ran to look out his window, but no one ever left through the front door. 

"Well... that's... weird? Damn. Just as he was about to give me money, too.", he opened his door and went back out to the middle of the street to see if maybe they were just extremely quick, but all he saw was a whole lot of nothing... and Hayley. She always seemed nice, and surely she had a lot of cash to spare.

"Hey there, Hayley. Did ya come for the donation drive? We haven't had many takers lately, but at first it was going great, I swear! I even had these special badges made." 

He pulled one out of his pocket and handed it to her, and then quickly grabbed it back. 

"You can't have it. Unless of course you have $249,999 more dollars laying around somewhere?!" 

He waited for her to respond and looked around, any moment now he was more than sure that hundreds of helpful mafioso will come from out of nowhere and hand him money. If the Mafia is known for one thing, its a lack of greed and an extremely kind community!

Snatches her dollar back and just looks at him.  Was he serious?  A silly little patch for that much money?  It was a nifty little thing, and she would be one of the few wearing one.  But she was no fool, nor was she willing to part with her money for such a thing.  Sure, she liked Ted.  But she was not going to take part in his strange ploy for money. 

I will not pay that much.  I don't need that patch at all.  I will give you one dollar, take it or leave it. 

As he considers her obviously worthless offer, she comes up with a plan to steal the patch.  She was not going to pay for it, but just had to have one.  Maybe she could provide a distraction of sorts, and take it away from him.  It was worth a try anyways.

Staring at the badge, and then at Hayley, and then at the badge... he repeated this for a few minutes or maybe half an hour, who's to be exactly for certain? With a large sigh he shoves the badge back into his pocket and shakes his head 'no' to the lady; no matter how nice someone may be, he can't let them have his goods for free.

"Sorry, dear. These are only for the best of the best donators to my cause." 

Taking out a suitcase from his car, he drags it into the middle of the street and begins to peruse its contents looking for something to give Hayley instead of a badge. He lets off a huge grin, he had found the perfect gift! Taking out a painting of some melting clocks he had stolen from a museum, he hands it over to Hayley-- maybe she would enjoy the shitty piece of "art" more than he did.

"Yeah, take that, I guess? Now hand over my dollar. I need it!"

He cupped his hands and waited for her to drop the money into them. 

BlackBlack arrives at the airport of the Loop, Chicago. He had been spending all day in the Strip, Las Vegas for BlackJack's Funeral. He was very touched by all who showed up and gave heart felt eulogies. He steps out the front of the airport and immediately flags down a taxi:

"South Side please driver."

​The driver nods his head and they are on their way.

5 Minutes Later...

BlackBlack steps out of the taxi and peers up at a four story building. He had been here once before with his father BlackJack when he was only a small child. Despite not being here for a number of years he knew straight away where he was. It was Ted's house. BlackBlack continued towards Ted's apartment and knocks on the door three times. There was no answer... BlackBlack knocks a further three times... Still no answer. BlackBlack depresses the door handle and with a 'pop' the door springs open. BlackBlack was greeted by the familiar sight of a drunken Ted. Ted was passed out sitting down in the corner, with an empty bottle of whiskey sitting on his lap and a sealed envelope sitting beside him. BlackBlack approaches Ted and moves to wake him from his slumber. Then suddenly, just before BlackBlack is about to grab Ted's shoulders, he stops... BlackBlack takes a step back as he notices what is written on the front of the envelope:

My Dearest Son

BLACKBLACK

BlackBlack steps towards the envelope and slowly bends down to pick it up. He opens the envelope and immediately knows what he must do...