So, since my oh-so-obviously-factual-and-informative speech down the road regarding the fair Godfathers of New York and Philadelphia I have been accused of war mongering, and stirring up tension between cities for no reason other than my own amusement. I won't name names, those who have uttered these things behind closed doors in the coffee shops know who they are, and for them, I have two simple messages.

1. You're a fucking genius.
2. No, really.

Now that's done with I bring to you more (un)truths regarding two of our other fair cities. This time, ladies, gentleman, farmyard animals and 'others' it is Chicago and my own home city of Los Angeles who are facing off. Again, the all-important background information first:

Regarding Godfather Iota: He has a rare medical condition that makes him incredibly skinny, something to do with his metabolic rate I believe, I was unable to procure medical reports to give you the exact name, sorry. This condition means his food intake is incredibly important to him, and God help anyone who gets between him and his meal.

Then there's my boss, Poisonous Jelly. Many of you will be aware that he is a kleptomaniac. I'm not talking about the frequent post office jobs, or extortion rackets we all participate in, this goes deeper, it's a compulsion, and he can't help it. There are even some scurrilous rumours floating around that he may not be pureblood Italian American, apparently his great grandmother was a bit of a whore back in the old country and got herself knocked up by a sailor from Liverpool, England. I should stress that this is just a rumour, but it would provide a genetic link to his thieving ways. It's a well-known fact around our HQ that if you leave something lying around for more than a few seconds you're unlikely to see it again.

Back to the point, the reason for the palpable tension between LA and Chi at the moment. Last week it happened that both PJ and Iota were in New York on business, PJ was talking to some Wall Street types about setting up a Ponzi scheme. Iota was allegedly there to meet with ScreamingButterfly following some complaints about loud noises coming from her hotel room late at night when she last visited Chicago to meet with Noah Levenstein. After his morning meeting PJ was heading down to Stone Street for a bite to eat when he spotted Iota sitting outside a restaurant enjoying a light snack of two bacon cheeseburgers, onion rings, two sides of fries, buffalo chicken wings, potato skins, a half rack of ribs, 12 jumbo shrimp and a small side salad.

PJ, being PJ, thought to himself 'That burger looks good, I'll fucking have that!' So strolling as casually as one can when phalanxed by God knows how many bodyguards toward someone else through their own hoard of bodyguards he approached Iota from behind. PJ tapped him on the shoulder, and as he turned to look dashed past him, grabbed the food from his plate and disappeared into the crowd of bodyguards who all stood around mutely looking confused. .

Thinking he had got away with it, PJ happily wolfed down the burger on his way to his next appointment. Alas, some unknown hoodlum, who promptly ratted him out for a measly 10k, spotted him as he made his escape. Omerta is dead, it seems, and it's a damned shame.

So, there we have it, what will come of this, only time will tell.

A Small Side Salad that was later swapped for another Bacon double cheeseburger. I must say, Hat off to PJ for being brave enough to steal food from Iota.

I don't see any tattoos on Godfather Iota regarding stealing anything, and no rules in New York about it either.

Sounds like a fair play, even if he's stealing food.

Aw, another war i guess and if ever Chicago won..

this will be a lesson to all cities "Dont steal Iota's Food!"

This is nonsense!!  Where's the Tyrant and the Gunman in all this?

nonsense. Nonsense. NONSENSE!!

Hmm.. We could add them in possibly. I find it hard to put words in other people's mouths though. Is there such a talent?

No wonder Iota was so upset. I hear bacon cheeseburgers are his favorite...

The lesson is that the only mongering worth doing is moooooongering

Write that down.

I am surprised that Iota ate only so much.I thought a person with a syndrome like Iota has would eat much more.

Clearly this is just another cunning plan hatched in Philadelphia. Has anyone thought to contact ScipitaRourke regarding PoisonousJelly's theft of Iota's food? Clearly she is intimately involved in these matters, and if you have a problem with Los Angeles, the people to contact about it are in Philadelphia. I heard it from Woodstain, it must be true. Lucretia smiles and winks as a precaution, just in case the words themselves were not sufficient proof of sarcasm.

Remember William it was just a light snack.

God damn that was a hellova a burger.

Is it just me or is there nothing better than a free meal?

PoisonousJelly, I must admit, you are one sneaky Jelly to be able to wade through the bodyguards and steal a prized possession such as a cheeseburger, or any type of food for that matter, away from the food loving Iota. 

I heard a rumor that Iota has his own gravitational pull when it comes to food, but alas, you have proven the rumors wrong by escaping so easily with the delicious snack.

My hat comes off to you.