(The Return of) The Weekly Gazette

August 12 issue

Prologue: Presentations and an explanation

Ladies and gentlemen, is with happiness and pride that we present you the return of The Weekly Gazette! Yes, beloved readers, we have received letters shortly after the demise of Christabella and SadClown, the daughters of our first editor-in-chief and creator of this newspaper, @Colonel_Ives, asking for it to return. We are happy to oblige! Now let's start with the presentations (includes some explanations), shall we? After the events that led to the death of our last editors, their kin was in danger and couldn't expose themselves. So along with close friends, they had the idea of pretending to be someone else and with the help of the same friends, they also used a decoy. The decoy was Yax and Yax in fact was @Middy's kin. Yax pretended to be @Colonel_Ives's daughter and it worked perfectly, since they had many similarities, including their physical appearance. Meanwhile, the real son of @Colonel_Ives was hidden in Fluffy_Tummy's crew. He's the one that now writes to you and who will be taking the reins of this newspaper, the furry Chewbacca! He's now safe (as he possibly can in this thing of ours) and will be able to continue the work of his relatives, and we will now explain why.

War!

A few days ago, just a few weeks after Chicago was decimated, we witnessed another war. Some Crew Leaders of NY and LA died, while LV and DT were completely wiped out. We did some research and we found out what happened from a trustworthy source. When @MidpoinT was killed by @spacey, with the help of Godfather Marston and Balls, they reached an understanding, that @spacey was going to fund @MidpoinT's son for the rest of his life. Shortly after, after 100 million hits on Chicago's Crew Leaders, Godfather @TheBeast decided to kill @spacey, not before saying:

Fuck it, i'm shooting this pussy. I ain't going out like a bitch. - @TheBeast

And that was when Chicago was decimated. In the opinion of Crew Leaders Ginge, Jesse, MenchoJr, Slade-Wilson, @spacey's kin, Space-Pole, and a few others, the fact that Godfather Marston simply decided to let Chicago live after @MidpoinT's demise instead of killing them all at that exact point, left @spacey vulnerable and led to his death. It should be mentioned that @spacey had funded most of the leaders who were siding with him in this upset. There already had been some longstanding issues, so this created a further split from Marston, and they were placing more blame on him. The aforementioned leaders were planning in time to make a move against Marston and Balls, so the remaining cities beautifully planned and together, removed all of them.

Crab soup for the homeless

After the war, we could see a big ammount of people that lost their Crew Leaders and their homes, wandering around our Streets without a single penny in their pockets, not even to buy food. Fortunately, with a push from our dear late DeadlySpike, our editor-in-chief happened to become the owner of a huge aquaculture crab farm, subsequently, he learned how to cook this delicious crustacean to perfection in many ways, but his favorite is the crab soup. Here are quotes from how successful this dish was:

"Chewbacca is making crab soup tonight. Muddy went into their hidden cave to hunt for them, and they will feed you his succulent and sweet crabs." - DeadlySpike

"I'm jealous of Chewbacca's crabs." - Corky

"Last time i ate that it left an itch in my mouth itch for more." - MrChaChaSlide

So we decided to do some charity and distribute this delicious soup everywhere, in aid to the most poor and hungry, absolutely free from charge. We have spread many free crab soup stands across all country, so just hurry there, get in line and catch crabs!

(Not so) Friendly Rivalry

Our editor-in-chief is known for having a big mouth and, as much as the return of The Weekly Gazette was supposed to be a secret, after the war ended, he couldn't keep his trap shut. So rumors spread that the newspaper was returning and a surprised Chewbacca received letters from the editor-in-chief of The Harold. We would like to expose said letters here.

To: StandbyJudgeHarold
From: Chewbacca
Sent: Aug 09, '23 19:47
Subject:

As you wish. Let the battle begin!

To: Chewbacca
From: StandbyJudgeHarold
Sent: Aug 09, '23 19:43
Subject:

It will not (be) friendly.

Journalism is a cutthroat business.

To: StandbyJudgeHarold
From: Chewbacca
Sent: Aug 09, '23 19:38
Subject:

Yes, dear Harold, the return of The Weekly Gazette is nigh.

I'm looking forward to resume our friendly journalistic competition!

To: Chewbacca
From: StandbyJudgeHarold
Sent: Aug 09, '23 19:32
Subject:

Is Journalistic Rivalry afoot again soon?

Shall I no longer be the sole Mafia-Journalist left standing, like a lone skyscraper amongst bungalows and hovels?

Bring on the competition.

That being out for you all to see, we would like to ask our dear readers for a little help. If you want to see more of both newspapers, keep the journalistic business alive and battling each other, sweating to bring you fresh news, don't forget to send tips and show us your support!

Smoking is good for you

A few weeks ago, a group of people was discussing and arguing loudly on the STREETS about the evils of smoking. Some claimed that nicotine is bad for your lungs. Others claimed that there have been more deaths by cigarettes in America than anything else! We are here to disclaim all this nonsense and bring scientific facts (believable and trusty images), that proves cigarettes are good for your health! HERE, on this image attached to the newspaper, you can clearly see a doctor saying that:

20,679 other physicians agrees that Lucky Strikes are less irritating.

Would a doctor recommend us to eat, drink or use something that is unhealthy? We don't think so.

HERE from a rival newspaper we shamelessly plagiarized, from a very old issue of our own newspaper, there's another doctor saying that:

More doctors smoke Camels than any other cigarette.

All the evidence here should be proof enough that cigarettes at actually good for your health! We would also like to make our own recommendation because we are getting millions from advertising to do it:

(̅_̅_̅_̅(̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅̅_̅()ڪے Marlboros. You get a lot to like: filter, flavor and flip-top box! (̅_̅_̅_̅(̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅̅_̅()ڪے

We also called important people from a school of medicine who claimed that cigarettes might help prevent dementia and that smokers are helping prevent obesity since smoking suppresses appetite and people who smoke are usually slimmer, but we have printed here IMAGES OF MEN WHO LOOKS LIKE NICE DOCTORS, SMOKING CIGARRETES, so who needs written boring scientific facts, right?

Worst Crews Ever

A few days ago we have seen our beloved Fenton lose his HQ (The Outlaws : The Expendables), which was invaded and completely destroyed by the police. A few weeks ago, Ian (Exile) lost his HQ to the police too and perhaps a month ago, the late @Colonel_Ives also lost his headquarters (The Devil's Rejects) for the same reason. Apparently, when the police comes knock on your door, the spreadsheets that hangs on every HQ that contains the amount of hours and effort the uppers are putting in maintaining their kingdoms, must have decent numbers. We will now share some of said Crew Leaders quotes with you:

"I been busy crying about losing my HQ still. Kinda sad i didn't get shot as well." - Don Fenton

Dear Fenton, we love you and we shall wait anxiously for the loss of the 2nd HQ hope everything goes well from now on!

"I was unaware of the mechanic that now exists whereby an entire HQ will be disbanded without any warning, if one of the upper structure's time for the past week is below one hour. However, the primary statistic that determines the precise amount of time anyone has been present in the last week, is only viewable by them alone. So, when my right hand went on holiday to somewhere with no means to communicate, the whole thing vanished. HQ forum. Crew details. Jobs board, the lot. I appreciate that a general read of activity is on the crews page but it would help if the CL could get an extra box next to the designated hands names on the crew settings page, just telling them that one stat. It would also be really nice if the assembly of all the HQ elements I mentioned, was temporarily stored so when that CL set up again, those works would appear as default starting material, that could be rebroadcast or edited to suit." - Don Ian

The Weekly Gazette agrees with Don Ian's opinion on this matter, very well said. We shall look forward for the reader's opinions too.

"For fuck sakes, @Middy. This is my first time as a Crew Leader and i already fucked up 2 times. This is embarrassing, THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING, i don't wanna be CL anymore, fuck this shit!" - Consigliere @Colonel_Ives (before he died)

We found it very weird at the time for The Colonel to be embarrassed about this, since he wasn't embarrassed of admitting he likes golden shower and going down on women on their periods some nasty ass stuff on the Streets before. Figures.

Sports and Competitions Section

- Professor is bringing to us something that we believe everyone loves, as those has been successful before. A new kind of wrestling competition. While some people sounded confused and asked things like "What the hell is an Indian Leg Wrestle?", the event is apparently on his way to a big BOOM, with almost 10 competitors already. If you're strong or like beating people up or just grabbing their butts rolling around with them on mats and stuff, we highly recommend you to join The Inaugural Indian Leg Wrestling Championship!

- We are happy and proud to congratulate @Fluffly_Tummy's for hosting a writing LA and LV writing competition. The idea was to bring people together to write, while also bringing a huge profit for Fluffy_Tummy's operations and businesses in said cities, which was done splendidly. Congratulations on the success and we hope to see more of those in the future.

- StandbyJudgeHarold launched "A Competitive Journalism Competition"! Apparently, he was being lazy and having a hard time coming up with decent ideas for news articles, so he decided to launch a competition that involved people writing his articles for him. The winner would receive a quantity of 5 million dollars and would give him the right to use the article as his. Unfortunately, things haven't gone as he expected, according to the newest issue of his newspaper. Apparently, nobody signed up for it, making he chose a random person to gift. The person he chose was Whiterun-Guard, but we have information that he didn't receive the 5 million dollars. Although StandbyJudgeHarold is our strongest (and only) rival, we want to wish him good luck in his future endeavors and praise him for coming up with this excellent idea (that didn't work out very well for him). If our editor feels lazy sometime in the future, he will definitely use the same method.

Weather Section

A few days ago we had a terrible bullet rain in the city of sin (we also had a @MidpoinT rain, but we will leave this story for another time). Unfortunately, our editor was unable to bring the weatherman's reports (the reasons were mentioned before) or they would probably knew what was coming and be prepared. Bummer, huh? But on the bright side, we have a new report! Our weatherman informed us that this is gonna be one of the hottest summers ever and to prove it, he fried an egg in the asphalt for us to see, only using the sun and a frying pan. For our readers who loves warmth and sunny weather, we recommend you go to a swimming pool or the ocean and enjoy the beach, drinking a fine margarita, not without applying your best sunblock. For the ones who dislikes hot temperatures, we recommend you go to Alaska, or your life here will be a living hell. Enjoy!

Business Review

This week, our critic visited The Red Comet Cookout, Consigliere Char_Aznable's business in the city of Angels. Upon reaching 100 meters away from the place, he could already feel the delicious smell of grilled meat and hear the sound of laughter everywhere. As he approached the lot where the cookout was taking place, he was received by a friendly and smiling figure, who led him to a simple wooden table. He then ordered a bit of everything and just looking at the menu had his mouth watering. When the food arrived, which happened very quickly, he was simply stunned. There were hamburgers, ribs, pork ribs, hot dogs, coleslaw, baked beans, all cooked to perfection. There were even dishes he didn't order, courtesy of the house. He ate, the meats were done perfectly rare, just how he liked it, the sides were amazingly seasoned, the people around were happy and the place itself was simple, but incredibly welcoming and comfortable. He gave the place a 5! Our very first 5 STAR RATING, congratulations! 5/5 ☆☆☆☆☆

Recipe of the week

The recipe of the week is something that we guarantee you it's amazing and delicious.

Whole crunchy piglet!

Ingredients:

11 pound piglet (cleaned, without viscera), 1 cup of lemon juice, 2 big chopped onions, 2 cups of white dry wine, black pepper (how much you want), 1 cup of water, 1 cup of hot oil, oil for greasing. For the sauce, you'll need: 2 medium onions, 1 green capsicum, parsley and chives (how much you want), garlic (always A LOT) and salt.

Cut the piglet in half, without separating the back part, cutting only the bones. Wash it under running water and pierce the meat. Season it with the lemon juice and let it rest for 10 minutes. Wash it again, drain and set aside. If there's still some hair in the piglet, remove it with the help of a sharp knife. Then prepare the sauce: in the blender, place the onions, the pepper, the parsley and chives and the garlic and blend for 2 minutes or until obtaining a homogeneous mixture. Add the salt and reserve. In a bowl, mix the chopped onion, the wine, the black pepper and the reserved sauce. Place the piglet in a roasting pan, skin side down, pour the mixture and water on top and let it marinate overnight in the fridge, covered with cling film. The next day, remove it from the fridge and clean all the seasoning from the skin of the piglet to prevent it from burning during cooking, leaving the meat with a bitter taste. Place the piglet in the roasting pan, greased with oil, with the skin facing up. Cover with aluminum foil and bake in a moderately preheated oven for about 1 hour. Remove the foil, grease again and bake for another 1 hour, uncovered, until the skin is golden brown. Remove it from the oven and drizzle the hot oil over the piglet's skin little by little to make it crunchy! Bon appetit.

Lost and Found Section

- Wise Guy Beard has lost his precious comb. If you happen to find it somewhere, we will happily give you a nice reward, we just urge you to take the necessary precautions when handling the object, because the Beard is not the only thing that it combs, apparently.

- Wise Guy GlitterGoddess is looking for a new glitter supplier. The old one went missing a few days ago, after being seen hanging out and sniffing cocaine with the dear late Elle-Driver. We can only imagine what happened. If you have any tips about his whereabouts or if you happen to know a good glitter seller, we will gladly send you a reward.

"Did you hear about the guy who dipped his balls in glitter? Pretty nuts!" - GlitterGoddess

Classifieds

- Consigliere ClassyLady is now accepting students. She's going to teach women on how to be classy and behave properly at every occasion. If you're a lady and have problems and some bad habits like having too much casual sex, spitting, chewing with your mouth open, burping, scratching your privates in public, treating the opposite sex as garbage, cheating, etc (basically everything that a man does, but is not judged for it), we highly recommend you to sign up.

- Boss PotatoQueen had an awesome harvest and won't be able to eat all the potatoes by herself. She's selling some good ol' potatoes, there's russet, red, white, yellow, blue, purple, fingerling, all the varieties and sizes you can imagine! If you're interested, send her a letter.

- We thought Mole could use some good mole removal cream and decided to help, but after looking at him, we gave up. Apparently, what we tought was his head is actually the mole. Unfortunately, there was nothing to be done. If you happen to know someone who can perform miracles or some kind of head removal that doesn't end with the patient dead, we kindly ask you to send us a letter.

Riddle of the week

$ The first reader to answer this riddle correctly will receive a million dollar prize! $

"It has cities, but no houses. It has mountains, but no trees. There is water, but no fish."

"Please don't cheat, my dear readers!"

Obituary

Honorable War Death Mention: DeadlySpike, who died by friendly fire. We love you. We deeply apologize (AGAIN). Our editor-in-chief is still considering suicide by hanging.

#HeWasABuilder

- Falstaff, who was killed after shooting someone sponsored.

TheLastHit, a loved and important figure in these shores, who unfortunately said things he shouldn't have said.

Baby_Ruth, who was tired of this world of ours. Rip sweetie.

MidPoinT-, someone disguised as @Middy's kin, who suicided by diving and drowning in a whiskey pool.

MidpoinT_, another person disguised as @Middy's kin, who also suicided by hanging off a hooker's saggy boob.

The war took many, many people from us. The complete list of deceased can be found HERE.

✝ RIP ✝

"We of The Weekly Gazette apologizes for depriving you, our dear readers from decent news and entertainment, as we said before, we were in imminent danger. We also like to say something to the people who dislikes our newspaper:

"Jealous much?"

That being said, this issue is now finished and hopefully we will bring you more next week! If you enjoyed it, please send tip$! If you have any suggestions or critics, we will gladly read your letters with love and consideration and do our best to indulge you. Thanks!"

Chewbacca received a letter just a few minutes after the newspaper was released. It was from Nicklin, containing the correct answer for the Weekly Riddle.

The answer was "map". 

Congratulations Nicklin!

Aug 12, 11:57:51

Your accountant has made payment of $1,000,000 to PH:Nicklin. The note "Congratulations on solving the riddle!!!" was included.

Making his way to the station, Leviathan caught a familiar word in the corner of his eye. He headed straight over to the paper stand and there it was...... the next edition of the paper he had previously enjoyed spending time to read. Immediately purchasing a copy, he made his way to the station and looked forward to taking a look at this edition. Taking his seat on the train, he took the paper out of his bag and began to work his way through. Noticing straight away that this new edition was much larger than the previous.

By the time the train had arrived at his stop, he had already read the entire paper three times. As the next set of travellers made their way onto the train, he passed the paper over to a random stranger, "Highly suggest giving this a read. Not seen a bad paper from these guys so far."  

Thank goodness this paper is back.

I've horrendous diarrhoea and I needed something to wipe my ass with.

Thank you so much 

You should buy yourself some 10 ply.  It'll be softer on you.

I am not here to wage any Journalistic Jihads or bring up old grievances from the past that The Gazette and 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 𝕠𝕗 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕌ℕ𝔻𝔼ℝ𝕎𝕆ℝ𝕃𝔻 might have had. I am not here to smear The Gazette at all, let me make that very clear.

I am simply here to share with you some excerpts from an autobiography I read written by an ex-reporter of The Weekly Gazette. I have cut out the relevant portions for your perusal:

• EXCERPT 1
• EXCERPT 2

Now for some reason this autobiography also mentioned the plumbing of The 12th Street Public Toilets, though I don't know exactly what relevancy it had to his experience as a reporter of The Weekly Gazette:

• UNRELATED EXCERPT 1

What do these small extractions of the unnamed ex-reporter tell us? I will let you all be the judge of that. I wouldn't want to put any negative sentiments into your mind and trust you to be able to draw your own conclusions (which might completely coincidentally be negative).

"My ancestors used to read The Weekly Gazette, it's good to know that work continues."