TMZ

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BETTER ARTICLES AND FLASHIER HEADLINES THAN THE COMPETITION

Editor's Note: What's up y'all.  This may be my last paper.  The Golden Era of the newspaper boom is over.  While the first seven or so newspapers reaped massive benefits, the whole business just became quickly over-saturated with the likes of part-time once-and-done publishers as well as a flood of new rags, all rehashing the same news.  The pioneers of these original newspapers are either dead, or cashing out while they still can, literally taking any buyout offered to them.  The only paper that seems to have survived this burst bubble is TommyVitale's newspaper, the original Gazette, a Weekly newspaper with top notch stories from across the country. Tommy was fortunate enough to elevate himself beyond newspaper journalist to MEDIA MOGEL while the going was good, as the competing hacks such as SaddleFlashing and MonobrowedMenace continued to ride his coat-tails, struggling to emulate The Gazette's unrivaled success.

It's just not for me anymore.  The newspaper game is a cesspool.  Even one of the journalists who came along much MUCH later into the newspaper boom (whose name I am not going to mention so that I don't get into trouble), recently announced that she was quitting the newspaper biz, citing that the entire scene had become too toxic.  I decided to look a little deeper into the alleged toxicity, and guess what... she was right.  Let's explore just a small piece of some of that toxicity with this first article here, and please note how much more attention-grabbing my headlines are compared to these other bums'.

PART-TIME NEWSPAPER JOURNALIST QUITS DUE TO TOXICITY REASONS!

Need to really watch my words here, I'm trying my best to keep out of trouble so I'm not going to be using any names.  But yeah she quit.  Most of us were under the impression she had already quit, as weeks had gone by without a new issue, but it became official when she announced it in a popular mafia hangout that was bugged by the FBN.  According to the recorded transcripts, she cited toxicity as her main reason for losing the desire to write.

You know what, my grandfather fell victim to similar toxicity when he first made his way to these shores with his origin story.  To him, speaking in the streets were his way of speaking his truth.  He was proud to share his story.  However those feelings were quickly soured by a prominent mafia Don from New York whose name I won't mention  (I'll give you a hint who it was: she's like the most popular mobster in the entire mafia right now) chimed in with her critique.  I have redacted her name from the transcripts to avoid getting in any trouble

CLASSIfIED FBN RECORDING TRANSCRIPTS - OFFICIAL DOCUMENT

19:26 [NAME REDACTED] sighs
19:26 [NAME REDACTED] jesus christ...
19:27 [NAME REDACTED] what a freakshow
19:27 Clarissa: what happened??
19:27 [NAME REDACTED] (more laughter)
19:27 Clarissa: spill the tea!!
19:27 [NAME REDACTED] just crazy people, being crazy (laughter)
19:29 Georgette: What? 
19:29 Georgette: Are you mocking someone's attempt at being active in the streets?

Anyways I get it. It's rough out there.  Also shoutouts to Georgette for at least trying to keep our streets as inclusive as possible, and I hope to see her one day release her own newspaper to our fine streets.  The newspaper business has been lacking a woman's touch, and I think that it would add class and pump some life into what is now a dying industry.

DISGRACED JOURNALIST ANNOUNCES NEW TOXIC CONTEST

Editor-in-chief of the inferior newspaper The Kuklinski Chronicles, TaptGutt announced a new contest for whoever can write the best review of legendary mafia literature piece Systematic Immolation of Thought.  This announcement comes on the heels of his own recent scandal where he was exposed as being spawn of the vile lineage known as The Kukus.  This contest will no doubt be toxic, as he comes from a long line of toxic mobsters responsible for atrocities such as a war that lasted 8-days, just to name one.

Now, have I personally read System Immolation of Thought?  No I have not.  Too long.  Way too intellectual for my simple mind.  I intended to read it, but I then heard somebody calling my name out from a street corner, which distracted me and, well, lets just say the rest of the day was a total loss after that.

I did however look into some of the academics that did take the time to read it, both in the past and recently, and let's just say this... the reviews are toxic.  Maybe the unnamed now-retired part time journalist who was complaining about toxicity was right.  Let's take a look at some of the reviews that have been written prior to the contest even being announced:

Here's one of the earliest reviews of this piece I could find.  Is it going to be something nice?  Spoiler alert, no, it is not.

Jesus, that is soooooooo boring!

That's a review left by a guy named Morrissey, who if my journalism is accurate, is actually A DISTANT RELATIVE OF TAPTGUTT.  Just a long line of scum.  Fun fact about this toxic bloodline: of the top three Writing Contest Massacres, his bloodline is responsible for two of them (the 2nd and 3rd bloodiest to be exact.)

Anyways that was an old one.  I found one more recent by someone who is actually still alive

yawns

this idiotic huge lame ass text about toasters is still a thing? jesus christ, you guys are boring.

This remark was made during the 10 year milestone celebration of the original piece being written.  Almost an identical toxic tone as Morrissey.  Just two peas in a pod (a toxic pod), neither one any better than the other.  Now I won't be saying who left this review because if I do, she'll complain and I'll get in trouble, but you can just look it up yourself.

FORMER TOXIC REPORTER TAKES ACCOUNTABILITY FOR BEING TOXIC!!!

Want to take a guess who I'm talking about?  I'll give you a hint: it's your boy.  That's right, me.  YungCyrax.

I too have contributed to the recent toxicity here in our streets and its about time I take some responsibility for my own words and actions.  Sadly, it seems to be embedded in my DNA, as I come from a long-line of Cyraxx's who have done their fair share of pissing in the pool.  It's time to end the cycle, starting with the man in the mirror.

In the short time my family has been involved in the mafia, not a day has gone by that we did not continuously spew vitrol and slanderous hurtful remarks about a certain individual.  Their name found itself in just about every newspaper we've ever published, and it was never anything nice.  Am I proud of doing this?  No I am not.  Was it fair to the person I was doing it to?  No it was not.  And for that, in what may be my very last article ever, I would like to publicly apologize to that person for any pain I've caused and for the lies that were told.  So please, I stand before you and humbly ask that you accept my sincere apology, Warmonger.

Anyways I'm out, y'all.  Too many villains around here.  What we need is a hero.  I hope we find one soon.

Peace, y'all

From somewhere in New York city a strange urge to pull out a typewriter handed down over generations came over Georgette Plunkett-Ernle-Erle-Drax family of Charborough.

Two words echoed in her mind as if a foul mouth, rum-soaked piece of her own family history had planted them inside of her brain, perhaps even her soul. 

Cooter Times. 

Warmonger had arrived back at Frequency HQ and finally sliced out half-hour for himself. He made himself a fresh coffee and sat reclined on the extra-comfy sofa in Transistor's office with his feet up on the coffee table while he was not around to notice. The peaceful Consigliere pulled out his copy of The Mafia 'Zette and enjoyed his quiet time flicking through the pages.

Nearing the end of his read, he found himself engrossed in YungCyrax's heartfelt apology - so much so he read it seven times. By the time he was finished, the smile slapped across his face was wider than every person on the jail's wall of fat round people put together! He'd long been the target of the Cyrax' lineage and he was sick of it waking him up in turmoil every night. He thought after returning to Cyrax his Nation following the Great Coup, the two might find some common ground. But not even that was enough to cease the attacks.

Warmonger looked up from the page and stared into the abyss for a while as he pondered to himself. What could have led to this apology? He couldn't be sure but he was just elated to finally be at peace once more. No longer did he need to fear the vicious tongue. Finally he was free.

He rose to his feet and dug around the drawers for a pair of scissors. Gently, he cut a perfect rectangle around the apology and held the slip of paper in his hand, still smiling but now with a tear in his eye. He didn't cry, but a lesser man probably would. Instead, he grabbed some sticky tape and bounced through the HQ and out of the front door before turning on his heels. With a giant gleeful grin, he fixes the apology on to the wall, right next to the front door so he could be reminded of it every time he comes back home.

What a beautiful day. He stood and stared at the writing for a while longer.