A small podium had been constructed in the middle of the middle of THE STREETS. Nobody knew exactly why but speculation had been running wild. Eventually Authority, where'ing exquite attire for the occasion, walked up to the podium and loudly banged it a few times to get the attention of passery-bys.

Today we gather, not as rival mobsters, but as friends and kindred spirits. Let us cease the constant bickering over irrelevant minutiae such as "why did half of LV suddenly disappear", "how did BigPun die despite being in a locked room" or "where is my 80 million dollars kuku you fucking fraud" and reflect on why today is a special day to us all.

It was today, exactly 10 years ago, that the greatest of men among us, WhereWasI, took up the pen and thrust it upon a magnificent piece of papyrus eager to receive it, to reveal to us a fraction of his brilliant mind, to enlighten us foolish peons, to guide us throughout our unimpressive lives with his wisdom.

I am, of course, talking about the most groundbreaking work of mafia-philosophy ever devised, Systematic Immolation of Thought.

A LEGACY

Much like back in the middle ages when there were men able to recite the scripture of The New Testament by heart, today among us walk those who can recite Systematic Immolation of Thought from memory. These modern day scholars often hide their art, afraid of persecution and possibly being burned at the stake after a spicy date with an inquisitor, but I guarantee you that in the crowd that's formed right here there will be at least one, perhaps several even. This goes to show how deeply engrained its message is in our society.

Over the years many have tried to bring attention to the novelty of Systematic Immolation of Thought. Merely searching the library's public records for the words "Systematic Immolation" will reveal many derivative works and attempts at scholarly analysis or debate over the contents of this ancient tome of wisdom. Every year new layers and meanings are discovered, every year new peer reviewed studies emerge and get published.

I can hear many of you thinking: "But Authority, are you not committing a Systematic Immolation of your own Thoughts by repeatedly mentioning Systematic Immolation of Thought, and bringing back attention to it 10 years later?".

My answer is simple: Yes. Yes I am. Ancient poet WhereWasI could predict my every move. Despite never having personally known me, he stared straight into my soul, and revealed things about me that I did not even know myself. There is a universal truth in Systematic Immolation of Thought that applies to us all, and I am no exception. WhereWasI had insight into the human condition like no other man ever had, or will have.

CELEBRATIONS

Yes, gather around, my wonderful flock of street dwelling degenerates, and share stories of how Systematic Immolation of Thought has impacted YOUR life. I am eager to hear your thoughts, your anecdotes, your reflections, your evaluations of its merit.

If there is a demand for it, we can even hold academic debates on its contents. Much like a cock fight, we can pit two contestants against each other while they (verbally) tear each other to shreds. We can do bets on them, put them in a ring, and have them duke it out while we loudly cheer and pelt their heads with chicken feed.

The floor is yours. Let's hear it. YES.

What can I say?  By far my lineage's greatest achievement has been first bringing attention to SIOT.

The greatest story ever told, and the very glue that binds some of us together.

Perhaps we could share Where We Were when we first read SIOT?

From what I understand, WhereWasI didn't exist as you would think he did. In fact, WhereWasI was a pen name for a collective of artists who due their social class, ethnicity, gender, and sexual orientation at that time in MR history could not have had their works published under their own names. The immolation of thought was also an immolation of identity. It is just one part of an inspiring story.

Label me a heretic if you will, but I found holes in the philosophy contained in this tome from beginning to end. Your false messiah, WhereWasI, was a narcissist in Prophet's clothing. You cannot manifest philosophy unless you are your own worst critic. WhereWasI was anything but that. To the contrary, he considered himself without flaw:

"Now I challenge any of you who've read this far and believe it to find a piece that makes me stupid in any of my comments produced anywhere. I stand by every comment I've made." (Excerpt from SIoT)

Challenge accepted! And I need look no further than the very next paragraph following his assertion of intellectual superiority:

"I am a man, not a beast, therefor I think. I do more than simply respond to natural urges, my kind have mastered fire and the oceans."

He seems to believe "beasts" are incapable of thought. I will assume that by "beasts", he is referring to all members of the animal kingdom as a whole. Let us use the noble swine as an example. The Pig is a mammal and has a brain. It makes calculated decisions every day. When to go out in the sun, when to lie in the cool mud, when to shoot your stupid ass and when to plow his corkscrew-shaped penis into your mom. I could go on and on. Let's look at our closest relative, the chimpanzee. Chimpanzees have been taught to communicate with humans using sign language. Porpoises and elephants are possibly more intelligent than humans. It's not the ability to think that they lack. It's opposable thumbs. Nothing more.

Humans also have "natural urges". We eat, drink, and mate. We have internal organs that operate involuntarily. We also possess the ability to think. The two are not mutually exclusive and humans are not "special" in that we are not the only organism capable of thought, regardless of what your Sunday school teacher might have told you.

It's time to put aside your archaic religion/philosophy and evolve with the times. Ten years ago, as unevolved mobsters still dragging our knuckles on the ground, SIoT may have been considered wisdom. In this new day and age, we need a new spiritual leader. If we can have a Leader of the Streets (LotS), then why can't we have a Mafia Spiritual Leader (MSL)?

Who will step up and take this mantle from the false prophet?

Albino watches from the wayside as the mobsters (and that one embarrassingly poor clown whose word means fuck all) hold an unusual discussion - not one he could ever recall witnessing around here before.

"I have to be honest... Trying to make sense of all this history is tough for my old brain..." He scratches his beard. "I wonder if this WhereWasI chap should've instead been called WhatAmISaying." He jests. "Seriously though... I can only assume he was some kind of crackpot. But I'll try my best to not speak ill of the dead."

Al turns to face Gigantopithecus. "A Mafia Spiritual Leader, however. That is an intriguing thought - also new to me. What might that involve exactly?"

"I once knew a man - a late relative of Sisu I do believe - he used to exclusively wear dresses. Don't ask me why... Seems to be a lot of crackpots around this place, but he was harmless really. More danger to himself than anyone else. However, he too was a spiritual man. All this talk got me to thinking about him... I miss that old fuck. Shame his descendants just aren't as interesting..." Al shakes his head, he was drifting off-topic.

"Gigantopithecus, my friend... What would be the defining characteristic of a Mafia Spiritual Leader? How will we know our prophet when we see him?" Albino clears his throat. "... Or her? It is the 50's, I guess..."

"That's a good question, Albino. One that I am not really prepared to answer at this time. I think the best way to decide what we, as a society of mobsters, want in a mafia spiritual leader (MSL) would be to have a focus group consisting of a dozen or so mobsters from various backgrounds, cities, affiliations, and loyalties. A true spiritual leader must embrace mobsters of all sizes, shapes, and colors. He (or she if you believe women are capable of more than just cooking and doing my laundry) must be revered by all, or else we would end up with every small group having their own MSL and that would invite chaos. It would invite conflicting beliefs. It would lead to all-out war. The Crusades come to mind."

"It would be nice if someone would volunteer to organize this focus group. I simply cannot do it, as it sounds too much like work and responsibility for my liking."

Perhaps WhereWasI foresaw TheBeast, the CL who gave a Kuku the seed money that has become a billion dollar fortune?

Gigantopithecus I must admit, the way you talk about WhereWasI had me frothing at the mouth with rage. I had to take a short walk around the local park, feed the ducks at the pond some bread, eat a donut with a piping hot mug of coffee, before I calmed down and regained my composure.

I have two points for you:

First, I think you are taking some of the words in Systematic Immolation of Thought a tad too literally. I don't think WhereWasI quite meant that beasts literally don't think at all, I think that instead he tried to draw upon the mental image of a savage beast following naught but its base instincts.

Secondly (though I am now steering away from the subject matter of Systematic Immolation of Thought):

Porpoises and elephants are possibly more intelligent than humans.

Intelligence is fine and well, but does that make them smart? I've always drawn a distinction there. Intelligence is like a gauge of potential, if you use it properly you can make it very far in life, perhaps even far enough to write a philosophical masterpiece like Systematic Immolation of Thought, however intelligence alone doesn't necessarily have to amount to anything.

Think about it, I'm sure that in your own circle of acquaintances you could find someone who is "intelligent", but definitely not "smart". They could be intelligent, yet still be a complete screw-up in life.

I have yet to see an elephant write Systematic Immolation of Thought, and until that day comes I will not take them seriously. Their trunks are impressive, but no elephant has ever joined the ranks of the great poets of our time, and for good reason.

Onto your suggestions:

In this new day and age, we need a new spiritual leader. If we can have a Leader of the Streets (LotS), then why can't we have a Mafia Spiritual Leader (MSL)?

And where is the Leader of The Streets now, huh? That office has been vacant for a while now while we await for a worthy candidate to fill it and usher us into a new golden age of The Streets.

Perhaps a Mafia Spiritual Leader could help us reach that utopia in the sky sooner, though I think making an exact division of responsibilities between the MSL and the LOTS might be a daunting task. For one, I am afraid that the egos of both the MSL and the LOTS might not be able to coexist peacefully. I fear a potential Streets Civil War, where all are forced to pick a side between supporting the more aristocratic and traditional LOTS, or the anarchic spiritual and pot-smoking MSL.

Who will step up and take this mantle from the false prophet?

Cease this blasphemy before I am forced to challenge you to a duel.

Isn't that always the problem with religious texts? They are just vague enough that you can shoehorn whatever beliefs you wish into them, in order to give your beliefs religious Authority (pun intended). You seem to be doing mental gymnastics in order to twist the SIoT text to fit into a rational interpretation, rather than the outdated dogma that it actually is.

In fact, I'm just going to say it. Nobody knows whatever became of WhereWasI. If he is the supernatural being you think he is, then he must be capable of extraordinarily long life, if not eternal life. So WhereIsHe? Folks, I think he is right here, right before our eyes, in disguise, peddling his discredited dogma. Folks,

AUTHORITY IS WHEREWASI!

yawns

this idiotic huge lame ass text about toasters is still a thing? jesus christ, you guys are boring.

I'm hitting myself

Gillian, thanks for your input.

DanielLarson, when you say "I'm hitting myself", do you mean that literally, or figuratively? Are you hitting yourself in protest of the current state of affairs in the Cosa Nostra underworld? Is it self-immolation as a ritual to cleanse the soul of impure thoughts you were having after listening to my earlier heretical comments? Are you a disciple of WhereWasI, come to set the record straight and guide us into a new era?

ARE YOU THE SPIRITUAL LEADER WE NEED, BUT NOT THE ONE WE DESERVE?

We can only hope.

Thank you for your support

Sometimes silence speaks louder than words ever could. Others say "Silence is golden, but so is my urine". Authority has not denied that he is, in fact, WhereWasI in disguise. Is his lack of denial actually an admission? If so, I have to apologize. It was never my intent to destroy the secrecy he has been living in for a decade. It was my excitement at uncloaking the false prophet that led me to exclaim my findings to the world. But that is water under the bridge, now. We no longer need the false prophet. MSL Daniel Larson will lead us into the future. I cannot wait for his church and/or temple (I dare not suggest to him how to build his following) to be constructed. The future looks bright.

Gigantopithecus I am sorry for my delayed response, I was a busy buy trying to strongarm the local bakery into providing large pretzels for this little gathering of ours.

I deny this RIDICULOUS claim that I am somehow a descendant of WhereWasI. Frankly, this claim really really upsets me and I feel like I am about to have to take a VERY long walk in a VERY serene forest with REALLY CUTE deer and squirrels to be able to calm down from the INDESCRIBABLE amount of rage building inside of me right now. My blood is boiling. How someone can insult our history's greatest philosopher-king is beyond me.

I've fucking had it with this shit. Meet me at the 12th Street Public Toilets at 9PM sharp.