Mr. Ox steps out into the street dressed much finer than usual. The streets are crowded today, and the blinding beam of light which surrounds Ox's aura make all the women within a 50 foot radius swoon and faint. As usual, children gather with stars in their eyes, and birds swoop down from the sky to perch on his shoulder. For Butt Ox is loved by all...

"Ladies, please, collect yourselves. I am not here to impregnate you today. That will have to wait. I am here to announce.The Second Annual Swine Awards. It would be the Third Annual Swine Awards, but last year you were all so unbelievably pathetic that I just could not justify the expense of renting a tuxedo."

"Now then, let me explain to you cretins just how my personal Awards Ceremony works. My awards are different from other mafie awards you may have witnessed in the past, in that the winners are determined on a completely objective basis. It is not a popularity contest. In order to ensure this objectivity, I require that each nomination is supplemented with a small paragraph which articulately explains why the nominee is most deserving of the award. If the nominator is unable to do this, I must assume that their nominee really is not worth jack shit. If this is the case..."

IN THE FUCKING TRASH YOUR NOMINATION WILL GO!

"Your nomination may be for any mobster who has walked these cities during any time in the 12 months prior to this speech. So dig back through the archives, folks! Make sure your nominee is really the one you want nominated for each category. A proper nomination should look like this:"

I would like to nominate [CL] for best crewleader. He exemplified the position by having a quality street presence, by never backing down from intimidation, by revitalizing his business district, and by successfully implementing a tax on outsiders in his city. Other CLs did not have such well-rounded success, which is why I believe [CL] is most deserving of the award.

"See what I mean? That's a fucking REASON why your choice should win. If your nomination looks like this:"

I wud like Rourke 2 win cuz he iz kewl.

THEN IN THE FUCKING TRASH YOUR NOMINATION WILL GO!

"You people disgust me. Back up a little bit, I don't want your slobber getting on my shoes. Now then, let us get on to the categories. Pay attention, morons..."

"The categories are..."

BEST CREWLEADER:

"Your nomination should include who you felt was the best person in bold to lead their family while simultaneously protecting the interests of La Cosa Nostra nationwide. The person you nominate should have breathed life into the streets, exuded confidence and strength, and tolerance when appropriate and necessary. The person should demonstrate a thorough knowledge of our business and our traditions. Anyone sitting around in a bold jacket and gathering dust is not eligible. Since you fucktards do not know the difference between a Captain and a Boss, both positions are eligible for this category, in order to avoid any confusion.


BEST RHM/W

The person to win this award should have played such a significant role in the operation of their family, that they were almost interchangeable with their Boss. It should be someone that other leaders felt just as comfortable dealing with as they felt about the Boss of that family.


BEST HITMAN

"It is very obvious to me that most of you fucktards have no idea what a hitman is supposed to do. A hitman is the most loyal member of the family. He or she, from birth, knows that they will die on the front lines during a war, protecting everyone in the family from the Boss right down to the lowest Gangster. A hitman WORKS for the Boss, a hitman is not THE Boss. If you nominate a crewleader for this postions, in the fucking trash it goes. Your selection should best represent those qualities of loyalty, perseverance, bravery, and war savvy, as well as have a kick ass gun."

BEST ROGUE

"Rogues don't deserve awards. Fuck off."


BEST ORATOR

"The qualities of the nominee should be fairly obvious. The nominee should be active in the streets and articulate, original, entertaining, and thought-provoking. Who, when they step out in the streets, makes you excited to hear what they have to say? Spammers need not apply."

"Ok, I know what you are thinking..."

But Mr. Ox, this doesn't look much different from any other Awards presentation, except for the fact that you are making us have to use our brains, and we are not very good at that...

"Fear not. As I am already stepping dangerously close to being unoriginal, I would be shamed if I didn't add something new to my personal Awards Presentation. With that, I'd like to present a new group of categories:"

BIGGEST FUCKTARD

"This nominee should not be a bad person, so much. It's just someone who would make you snicker at their supreme cluelessness. The Fucktard is someone who never had a mentor or bothered to read any mafia guidelines, but that never stopped him or her from being adamant in their opinions of what is right and wrong around here. Do not confuse the Fucktard with the Asshat."


ASSHAT OF THE YEAR

"Who is the biggest dickhead? What has he done? In both words and actions, who has been the most annoying motherfucker to escape euthanasia in the last year?"


WORST CREWLEADER

"Do not worry, your nominations will be completely confidential. However, you must still justify your nomination the same way as you would nominate the best crewleader. What has this hopeless sack of shit done, or more likely, NOT done? This winner will be difficult to select, because the person most deserving of it has probably already been forgotten by all of you."

"That's it. Those are the categories. Nominations will be kept COMPLETELY ANONYMOUS so that you do not have to worry about being shot in the face for insulting the wrong person. I can be trusted to maintain your anonymity, as anyone who was around for the First Annual Swine Awards can verify."

"Nominations should be sent to me through mobmail. I will continue to accept them until such a time when I reappear on these streets and announce a closing date for accepting nominations. Do not forget to justify your nominations, or in the fucking trash it will go! Winners will be selected and announced based on your ability to justify their selection."

"That is all. If you have any questions regarding the Swine Awards, please ask them now."

I agree with whichever man or woman said they would like me 2 win cuz I iz kewl.

Can we only nominate one person per category? I can think of a few persons who really deserve the Asshat Of The Year award...

It's not really an award if multiple people get #1 now is it? But, maybe that category should be the exception. Because we all know there are more than a handful.

If Shaggs were still around he'd take asshat of the year before anyone else. Maybe even before Skorpeon.

Right, Jose, there can be only one. However, I will be giving honorable mentions to runners-up who deserve that acknowledgement.

Best Crewleader: I'd say Sherlock, brandon_heat, and Rhuarc. All extremely patient and forgiving but always looking out for the family as well.

Best RHW: Rourke hands down. I mean just.... HAVE YOU SEEN HIM!

Best Hitman: Eh too many these days. If you live for months and know half of what to do then you can do the job sadly. I don't think anyone can actually put that onto someone. Now maybe there's a few people who are more strategic and such. As far as kill counts it's all about staying alive.

Best Rogue: ......I can't think of the last actual rogue.....

Best Orator: Marietta and Butt_Ox. Self explainatory there.

Biggest Fucktard: Me because it's true.

Asshat of the year: Shaggs/Skorpeon.

Worst Crewleader: Tallien, I mean come on really. I thought CP was userbase banned practically. (I really actually love you Tallien.)

I would like to ask everyone to please pay attention to what has been said in my speech. Don't send me your nominations if you cannot follow simple directions.

Asylum, please send your nominations via mobmail with adequate justifications for your selections.

Well I wouldn't have nominated myself for biggest fucktard if it didn't fit.

Asylum winks at Butt_Ox and the gatherers.

It is nice to be loved, even if it is by nobodies.

~T~

So since you skipped a year shouldn't the this be the 2nd Bi-Annual Swine Awards?

Fuck. I would have so won Asshat of the year if they didn't threaten me with sex to be good.

So since you skipped a year shouldn't the this be the 2nd Bi-Annual Swine Awards?

Seeing as he isn't doing this twice a year, I'd suggest that 'biannual' awards would be less than appropriate.

I shall be speaking to my advisors before confirming if I shall be campaigning for 'asshat' or 'fucktard'. Both will be hotly contested, so a careful choice is a must.

IN THE FUCKING TRASH YOUR NOMINATION WILL GO!

This reminds me my old friend, Yoda. I'll take a look and have a think about some nominations.

mr ox i like ur postes. and ur a stud of a man to have the ladies  faint like that. who makes ur suits. tehy are very styleish.

I think the word Cholo was looking for is Biennial, which means every 2 years.

Don Butt_Ox:

Is there a deadline to when the nominations/voting needs to be in by?

Skorpean the deadline is when Don Butt_Ox decides as he says at the end of his speech.

I think I can guess who our gonna put in at least one category. I know I'd do the same if I was prone to voting.

Sorry my mistake thought I was talking to someone else there Skorpeon.

That is quiet alright. I will not be voting, I don't believe. Unless something comes over me and I feel the need to.