Honesty- was moping around the streets and drinking from a flask filled with maple syrup. His dishevelled suit indicated a night of crying and general sadness. His messy and clumped up hair didn't help him look any better. While stumbling down the dark street, his thoughts were joined by the humming of the night-time cars. Honesty- reached in his pocket and pulled out a tissue and blew his nose. He threw the tissue on the ground and the tissue drifting in the soft wind gave Honesty- a bright idea that would light the night sky. He reached in his suit pocket and took a piece of folded, unused paper and reached into his inner jacket pocket for a pen. He then found a streetlight so he could see what he would write.

Dear whoever reads this except Macarena

Not long ago, Freyja and I got married. Sadly, many marital issues have risen. Recently, I learned she got bricked up the day before our wedding. Obviously, I thought she meant she was building a house. It turns out she was getting bricked up by Goldbrick's massive schlong. Furthermore, Freyja refuses to accept our child, Maple Honjya, as her child. She keeps referring to it as only my offspring. Not only that, but I fear Bacon might be giving her hand jobs as her Right Hand. Obviously, I'm a sad fellow. My tiny little heart can't handle all these lies and deceits. With that said, I am looking for a new wife that is not Macarena. As my wife, you shall get the following advantages:

• Maple syrup
• Me
• Maple products
• A sexy, voluptuous ass (yes I do squats for these glutes)
• A very funny guy; you will haha a lot with me.
• Snuggles
• More maple syrup.

Please submit your applications and state the reason why you'd think you'd make a good wife for me.

(Go away, Macarena. Stop following me with your van.)

Domino looks at the note. An idea pops into this little brain

Might I suggest Roxie?

Listening to her former husband moving on so quickly made her sob loudly behind the crowd, while to this day she still swears he spiked her drink and gave her A grade cocaine causing them to elope in a haste. Truth be told she never seem herself as one to settle down but something was different with Honesty- 

"Don't forget... you are an excellent snuggler sweetheart, even in that closet Room of yours, it's homey....Those maple syrup pancakes you make are speculator too...Can I sit on the interviewing process?"

Honesty- my love, my dearest, my sweet. Freyja said I need to cheer you up, and suggested we relived our most intimate of moments behind the cherry tree, my darling, my heart. Come Honesty-, come. Join me behind the cherry tree. Everyone is watching, but it is okay. 

"So what? She shacked up with me for a night... and doesn't claim your kid? Can't comment on Bacon thing, what goes on in their HQ, stays in their HQ.  Buuuut, I can't see it."

Jesse started at Honesty- , he debated the insults that swirled around his head, or suggesting he try looking in jail for his next spouse.  He was pretty sure prison wives were a thing.  He couldn't do it though, the whole thing just seemed pathetic.

"Look Maple Man. What it looks like to me, is that you're upset your woman chose you over another man.  If she wanted me, or any other man or woman she'd of had them.  For whatever reason she chose you.  Forgive a woman one last ride.  And the kid thing, dunno about you but my folks always used to joke, "That's YOUR son..." I mean until they disowned me , but this isn't about me. So, go fucking apologize to her.  A real man wouldn't let a woman like her go."

He turned and lit his cigarette, about to walk away, when a mischievous smirk passed his lips. He turned back around to face the syrup covered individual.

"Unless, you're doing all this for me... Then, where do I sign up?"

Jesse pulled out a handkerchief, walked to the back of the crowd, and handed it to Freyja .  "See ya at the club soon yeah?  Lilly misses you."

Freyja

I'm sure you were the one that spiked your own drink because you wanted a more fun night. And did it ever work! You jumped on the table and started tap dancing like an Irish person at a bar. I never saw that side of you and it's a good thing I haven't seen you do so again, because you dance like someone missing their legs. Also, I have had some applications already and I'm afraid you won't be able to sit in the interview process. I don't want you corrupting them with your cheeky ways. Last thing I need is my new wife seeing you and trying to make out with you.

Honesty- sniffles

Macarena

Honesty starts getting riled up like a 12-year-old boy who just got told by his mother that there is no dessert.

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU LIVE IN THAT DELUSIONAL WORLD. AND FREYA!!!!! STOP MINGLING WITH MACARENA. YOU KNOW HE JUST GOT RELEASED FROM A MENTAL INSTITUTION.

Honesty calms down a bit.

Macarena, nothing happened behind a tree. There wasn't even a tree to begin with, nor was there a bush, a shrub or even a fucking twig. You and I never had a thing going on and never will. So, put that rope and duct tape away and for the millionth time, NO I WON'T GO TO YOUR BASEMENT.

Passes an application to Honesty- for a new wife. Coincidentally, Bacon was also seeking out love.

”You look submissive enough. I like your odds,” he said as he turned and walked away from the haphazardly constructed job fair booth.

Goldbrick

The problem isn't just that she shacked up with you for one night. It's that she also keeps talking about your massive shling-along-a-dingdong, WHILE WE SLEEP TOGETHER.

Honesty starts rubbing his temples to get rid of the massive headache.

I'm sure Freyja only married me for my maple syrup and my massive badonkadonk that I back up like a Tonka truck. She doesn't even wear her wedding ring!

Honesty sobs like a big bitch and then gathers himself when he hears Goldbrick mention the last part.

No, I'm not doing this for you. YOU'VE ALREADY HAD YOUR FUN!!!! And I already have Macarena tormenting me, I don't need another man stalking me! AND WHO THE HELL IS LILLY, HUH?

Honesty throws two parts of a baguette at Freyja and Goldbrick. MONSTERS! BOTH OF YOU!

Bacon

I don't do animals and future barbecue meats. I know your juicy pork hiney is very desirable, but I don't roll that way.

Honesty's temper starts festering up

I'M NOT SUBMISSIVE. YOU'RE ALL JUST BULLIES!!

Honesty starts tearing up and rips up Bacon's application.

"Geeze Honesty- , I'd ask if you could whine anymore... but I honestly don't want to find out."  Jesse places his thumb and forefinger along the bridge of his nose.

"Seriously man, if she's talking about my package while y'all doing the nasty.... Tell her who's Schlong-a-long-a-ding-dong is the one pleasuring her!  And hey, she told me she was never looking for a relationship and hated whiners... yet she married you. Maybe her talking about me, is her way of saying how much she likes yours."  Jesse gave a nonchalant shrug at the suggestion. 

"And are you really jealous of your wife having a friend?  Lilly works the club in Detroit I run.   I'll say it again man.  If I were in your place, and had a woman like her choose me, I'd fight to keep ."

The part of a baguette that came flying at Jesse threw him off for only a brief moment.  He caught the syrup coated nugget of bread, and for a moment he wondered how tasty a baguette covered in maple syrup would taste.  He didn't trust the piece of food thrown at him, knowing how much Honesty disliked him in that moment. 

"One last thing Honesty... the only monster here, is in my pants."  Jesse gave the maple man a joking wink, before making a minor adjustment to his tie and heading back to the office. 

I have the pants....lots.....to be clear are you wishing for a female wife - just asking for a friend is all.....

Normally, afternoon strolls were uneventful, but upon spotting his big man flailing around on the sidewalk at his own little "marriage booth", Plague knew he had a chance to add a little more mockery to Honesty- than usual.

"Honesty- may not be submissive, but he sure is manipulative. His words also don't mean much. Bacon, keep in mind that despite his claims of "not doing animals", this guy honestly would do anything as long as its got a nice syrup coating. All you gotta do is douse yourself and you'll get pretty much anything you want. It might be temporary, but sometimes it'll stick. Get 'em while he's distracted, if you know what I mean."

Plague laughs to himself.

"Please, keep tormenting this man all you want. He might whine and complain, but otherwise he might have a little fetish for it. If you need to control him every now and then, just pull out a bottle of old Auntie Jemima and use it like a cross. I would advise you not to do it often though. He can get a little crazy after...too much exposure."

"Otherwise, Honesty- is a big floofball. Pretty decent guy if I had to say so myself. Prone to being bullied, but in a cute way. You just need to know to keep pushing his buttons, and sooner or later, he'll give in. Three steps is all you need in order to land an arrangement with this fellow:"

1: Syrup

2: Syrup

3: A fat ass of your own.

"Make sure the syrup is fresh. Nothing artificial, or he'll lose it and probably explode. Right from the tree, and even better if you smuggle it in from Canada. Don't worry about competition; use it to your advantage. Make him choose, force him to decide, anything to continue pecking at his mind."

Plague prepares to head off.

"Good luck folks! Give Honesty- some loving. I'll probably be shoved down into his basement for a bit after this, but I'll be fine."

Honesty was handing his wife application flyers left and right as millions, no, trillions of people wanted Honesty to themselves.

"Only one person at a time, ladies", Honesty chuckled as he proclaimed to the crowd, trying to manage his fame. He then smelled something foul. Something that fell in a dump and rolled around in a sewer. It was PlagueGuy. This man had ancestors that knew Honesty's lineage. The Canadian's ancestors wrote nice things about the American's ancestors and Honesty decided to give him a shot. What a fucking mistake that was. Sometimes, PlagueGuy would poop his diaper while reading the newspaper on the HQ couch. Honesty saw PlagueGuy walking in the crowd and saying things to Bacon. Of course, the little piggie walked away from PlagueGuy as he recognised the undesireableness from him. Now, PlagueGuy was only talking to the voices in his head, as no one was listening to him.

"My words mean the world to everyone, thank you very much. As if you know what words have value. And about the whole animal thing.... Okay, yeah, maybe you're right. But how can anyone resist pure maple syrup?!?! You SURELY can't blame me!"

Honesty then heard the foulest shit tumble out of PlagueGuy's mouth. He had mentioned fake maple syrup. Honesty smacked PlagueGuy across his flat head and the wanna-be plague doctor tried to straighten himself out by offering tips to the non-listening crowd on how to get Honesty's favour. To this, the crowd tuned their attention to the smelly man. As the guy finished speaking, the crowd lost interest. Honesty then gave PlagueGuy a death stare and, as usual, PlagueGuy made doodoo in his diaper.

Honesty rubbed his temples in frustration and wondered how Plague could ever become a worthy Right Hand Man.

Imashe leant against the wall and chuckled as she lit up a cigarette, shaking her head watching Honesty give out applications for a new wife.  She was glad of no hassle of men in her life as her work was busy enough

Sam_Winchester

After Honesty was done hearing PlagueGuy's verbal diarrhea, he heard the voice of someone Honesty was not familiar with. When Honesty turned around, he saw it was Sam Winchester. Apparently, he was offering a wife to the Canadian. Honesty was initially taken aback, but then he listened to Sam in totality and was taken more aback

"It sounds like you're offering me a gold digger or a prostitute. She might be good for a one night stand, but I don't think she'll cut it as a wife."

In fairness I might - might have known many a re-offending if deamed as negative gold diggers and prostitues. Consistancy at least and you know what you are getting. It does have it's upsides to be fair? Maybe add in a decent cook too and it could work you never know, a try before you buy perhaps?