Petah was a bit drunk and a bit bored, which is usually a bad combination. He decided everyone needed to read his story. Maybe some of his awesome would rub off on them. He wrote up what he could remember off the top of his head and copied it out by hand 13 times. He left home with a hammer and a bag of nails and nailed a copy to every second building:

  By all accounts Petah was a good boy growing up. He listened to his parents, did his chores, got good grades in school... more or less just an awesome child. They lived in a small town just outside of Chicago and he attended public school in the city.

    His mother was never around, she was hit by a horse drawn carriage when he was two years old. His father was pretty much his idol though. He worked for a carrot company in Chicago called 'The Dandelion'. From what he heard it was pretty much the most awesome company that ever existed. So Petah was always proud to tell the other kids at school that his dad worked there. They were all jealous. Another added benefit was that when the power was cut off his dad had amazing eye sight. It didn't matter how dark it got because they ate carrots, 3 times a day, 7 times a week. The power got cut off pretty often, and no they weren't poor, growing up his dad's house didn't have power so he always forgot to pay the bill. 

    Things all changed when Petah was in middle school. The owner and the boss of the carrot company his father worked for were brutally murdered and the company was forced to shut down. This left Petah's dad jobless, and apparently picking carrots isn't a very useful thing for a resume. It wasn't long before they lost their house and were out on the streets. They spent a while wandering from farm to farm stealing enough carrots just to stay alive. It was rough. 

    Eventually they ended up in Las Vegas and his father got a new job. It was almost too late to save Petah, his awesome was fading. Life on the streets had been hard on him. The job his father got was actually a great job. They bought a new house and all seemed well. Until Petah was arrested...

    Turns out Petah had enjoyed stealing his food a little too much. Not long after they got to Vegas he was arrested at the grocery store for stealing 5 bags of carrots. For some reason his dad was feeding him all this other stuff now and Petah wanted some damn carrots. Long story short he was sent to a youth detention centre.

    In jail Petah became a whole new kind of awesome. He decided early on the only way to survive with his pride intact was going to be to toughen up snd not take any shit from the other kids. He was admittedly a little bit to pretty for jail, even youth jail. Petah started acting tough and made a few friends so they could watch each others back. Petah acted tough for so long that he became tough. Super mega tough. Seriously, nobody wanted to fuck with Petah. He even made a few friends along the way and they watched each others back. So much so that when word came from outside that Petah's dad had died, a few of them even cuddled with him to help him stay calm. Don't judge, you weren't there. It was pretty clear by now by the way that Petah was once again awesome.

    When Petah got out of prison he didn't really know where to go or what to do. He spent a lot of nights out drinking, snatching purses in the day to support the habit. One day he met the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Or maybe he just thought she was beautiful because he had either been shit faced or in jail for the last 2 years. Doesn't really matter, they started dating, having crazy monkey sex, robbing banks and even shot a few fellas in the face just for fun. It was great time. At least it was until that one Tuesday a few months ago...

    Petah had been out running some errands for Marla and when he came home his life changed forever. He went into their apartment only to find some guy he had never met in bed with Marla. She never screamed that loud when they were together... that alone made Petah a bit sad. He left the apartment right away, devistated and planning to never see her again. That is until she tracked him down a few weeks later to inform him she was pregnant and not sure if it was his or Hanks. "Hank? Who the fuck is Hank?" was the first thing that popped out of Petah's mouth. Though it was pretty obvious Hank was the fella she had been having such a wonderful time with that night... 

    It only took a couple of awkward doctors visits for Petah to start liking this @Hank_Moody guy more than he liked Marla. It was hard to explain but he was kind of retarded and also kind of amazing. 

    A little while after giving birth to a kid that she had named @Blaah, Marla disappeared. She ran off with some guy name Tyler (possibly a 3rd guy? Who knows). Before running off she left @Blaah on Hanks doorstep. Nobody really ever figured out who Blaah's father was but it didn't really matter. Hank took her in and raised her as his own. 

     By then Hank and Petah had started to get to know each other a little bit. Hank offered Petah a job, turns out he had known his father a little bit. It also turns out that Hank was a pretty badass Mafia Don, so thank fuck Petah didn't piss him off during the whole 'who's the baby daddy?' incident.