Unpacking and stocking the final box, his store was complete: The all tan brick establishment that proudly displayed Billy Mays' face on its large marquis along with the store's name, Billy's Depot, was lit brighter than all establishments near the area; not bigger than your local grocery store, the parking lot welcomed its first customer, an elderly man.  Going back into the store and making sure every facet of the store was up to his standards, he finally gave a relieved sigh; Finally, his dream was completed, Billy thought.  The products were freshly stocked: Everything from Mighty Putty, the Awesome Auger and buckets of OxyClean to an endless variety of Cinco products on one large aisle. This wasn't just a business, this was his true calling.  A sign proudly displayed the week's specials, but as the customer walked in, Billy began his pitch.

"HI, BILLY MAYS HERE FOR MAYS DEPOT, THE ONE STOP SHOP FOR ALL OF YOUR CONSUMER NEEDS.  ACCESS TO AFFORDABLE PRODUCTS FOR EVERYONE!  AS WELL AS OFFERING MY ADVERTISING NEEDS ($500 A CHARACTER FOR A WRITTEN ADVERTISEMENT FOR ANY BUSINESS IN THE EIGHT CITIES), I SELL PRODUCTS RIGHT FROM MY OWN SHOP!"

"A FEW OF OUR CURRENT SPECIALS INCLUDE:

 Billy's Custom Colt 1911 - 3 payments of $39.99

HAVE A DOMESTIC DISPUTE AND YOU LEFT THE KNIFE WITH A FRIEND? WANT TO MAKE YOUR POINT KNOWN LOUD AND CLEAR? THEN YOU NEED BILLY'S CUSTOM COLT 1911, THE SEMI-AUTOMATIC PISTOL THAT KNOWS HOW TO GET THE JOB DONE WHILE YOU GET TO HAVE SOME FUN.  SHOOT A .45 CALIBER ROUND INTO AN ENEMY'S KNEE AND WATCH THEM CRY TO THE SKY WHILE YOU GET YOUR JOLLIES OFF.  THE COLT 1911 IS CUSTOMIZED WITH A HAIRPIN TRIGGER, A MIRROR FINISH AND A CUSTOM DECAL OF ME, BILLY MAYS, ON THE PISTOL GRIP.  YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE EXCEPT A BODY IN THE MARSHES! AND REMEMBER, KIDS, ONE IN THE BRAIN TO MAKE THEM LAME, TWO IN THE HEAD AND YOU KNOW THEY'RE DEAD, GUARANTEED TO GIVE YOU SATISFACTION OR YOUR MONEY BACK!*"

*no refunds

The Cinco Loan - varies

"IS THE BAD ECONOMY GETTING TO YOU? DO YOU NEED A HELPING HAND TO GET YOU BACK ON YOUR FEET? INTRODUCING THE CINCO LOAN, THE SECURE LOAN THAT WON'T MAKE YOU MOAN! SIMPLY APPLY WITH A MAIL TO ME, BILLY MAYS FOR YOUR APPLICATION OF A ONE TIME UP TO $250,000 DOLLAR LOAN WITH A SMALL, EASY INTEREST RATE OF A DAILY 5% INTEREST RATE*

* &1 to &4 (l = exp( ? s(t)^t / (1 ? R) x 55.222222227%)

 OxyClean  $19.99/tub

"POWERED BY THE OXYGEN YOU AND I BREATHE, OXYCLEAN IS THE ONE CLEANER THAT YOU HAVE TO HAVE FOR ALL OF YOUR DIRTY JOBS! PUT AWAY THE MOP AND PICK UP A BUCKET OF OXYCLEAN, THE PRODUCT THAT REMOVES BLOOD, WINE, COFFEE, FECES, URINE AND OTHER BODILY FLUIDS, ALONG THE STENCH OF ANOTHER BEING!  IT TAKES NO TIME TO WIPE AWAY A CRIME OR SIMPLY GREASE AND GRIME! YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE EXCEPT EVIDENCE, SO ORDER NOW!"

The Cinco Napple - $9.99/dozen

"THE CINCO NAPPLE IS A PATENTED APPLE THAT IS INJECTED WITH A MILD BOWEL IRRITANT AND SUBMERGED IN A SLEEPING GEL SOLUTION - A FEW BITES INTO THE NAPPLE AND YOU'LL BE FAST ASLEEP, AND WITHIN AN HOUR THE BOWEL IRRITANT WILL SLOWLY WAKE YOU UP INTO CONSCIOUSNESS, BUT YOU MAY WANT TO HAVE AN EXTRA PAIR OF PANTS HANDY JUST IN CASE YOU CAN'T MAKE THE RACE!"

Continuing, he walked to the other aisles of the small store

"AND IF THAT DOESN'T SUIT YOUR BOAT, WE HAVE HUNDREDS OF OTHER PRODUCTS TO CHOOSE FROM, WHICH MAY BE FEATURED IN OUR WEEKLY SPECIALS, INCLUDING BATTLEAXES, FRESH BEEF, CORN ON THE COBB, SILVERWARE AND INCENSE. BUT IF YOU CAME HERE BECAUSE YOU'RE SINGLE AND READY TO MINGLE, THERE'S A BAR AT THE END OF THE CORRIDOR WITH DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES AND FAKE LONE WOLFS READY TO SWEEP YOU OFF OF YOUR FEET, GUARANTEED."

Deidre passes by Billy's Depot a couple of times before deciding to duck in to cool off for awhile.  She wanders around looking at this and that until something of interest catches her eye.  It is small and dangerous looking, and just what Deidre is looking for.

"Excuse me, Sir?  Would you bring that switch blade out so I can have a better look at it please?"  Deidre waits patiently for him to come and take it out of the case.  It is so beautiful and appropriate for her needs. 

Billy took the knife from its glass container and opened the box - lo and behold, a knife carved from one block of hard iron, elegantly grooved and featuring several switches.

"WANT A KNIFE THAT CAN GET RID OF THE WIFE? THEN YOU NEED THE CINCO RAVAGER, ITS SERRATED EDGE WILL TEAR AND PIERCE THROUGH ANY AND ALL TYPES OF FLESH AND CUT THROUGH EVEN THE HARDEST WOOD, GUARANTEED. FOR THE LOW PRICE OF $20, YOU'LL GET THE CINCO RAVAGER AND THE MANUAL FOR ONLY $19.99. BUT WAIT! IF YOU BUY IT NOW, I'LL EVEN THROW IN A SHARPENER WITH ABSOLUTELY NO CHARGE - JUST PAY SEPARATE SHIPPING AND HANDLING. (from counter to customer) AND I'M SO CONFIDENT THAT YOU'LL LOVE THIS KNIFE, THAT IF YOU'RE NOT COMPLETELY SATISFIED WITHIN THE WINTER SOLSTICE,, I'LL REFUND YOUR MONEY - NO QUESTIONS ASKED!"

Cherokee walks into the depot and prepares his ears to be bombarded by the massive yet somehow erotic voice of the legend, BILLYMAYS.

Hello billy, I noticed the other day in the streets that you were offering an incredible deal for a baseball bat. I do believe I'm due for a new one. My old one seems to have a crack in it. Would you happen to have any in stock? Actually better yet, I'd like to order a custom made one. Think you can handle it?

Remembering the man he had pitched the Louisville Slugger to, Billy's eyes lit up at the prospect of another deal.

"ABSOLUTELY MY FRIEND. INTRODUCING THE CINCO MODIFIED LOUISVILLE SLUGGER, MADE FROM ONLY THE FINEST MAHOGANY WOOD CRAFTED IN AN ELEGANT 37 INCH BASE AND POLISHED. THE CINCO MODIFIED BAT ALSO INCLUDES AN OPTIONAL NAIL, FOR WHEN YOU REALLY WANT TO LEAVE A MESSAGE TO YOUR MAFIOSO COLLEAGUES. FOR THE LOW PRICE OF $69.99 THIS BAT CAN BE YOURS! BUT WAIT! ORDER RIGHT NOW, AND I'LL SLASH THE PRICE TO $39.99! THAT'S RIGHT, YOU DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO SCALP IT YOURSELF!"