THE MAFIA NEWSPAPER

Editor-In-Chief: Melvin

Head Writer: Melvin

Editor's Note

When I first decided to enter the high-stakes and highly profitable newspaper industry, I told myself that if my first paper received any negative remarks whatsoever, I would call it quits.  As we all know, newspaper reporters and publishers are notoriously thin-skinned and sensitive to any and all criticism.  So you can imagine how thrilled I was when all the feedback I got on my fist publication was overwhelmingly positive. 

Sadly however everything was very underwhelming in the tips department.  Exactly $293,997 in tips.  Not too shabby, but we can do better than this for sure people.  Be that as it may, this money will be given out over the duration of this edition.  Now if you recall in Edition 1, I sent $100,000 to TChalla from Las Vegas for no reason (truth be told, I did have a reason.  I am handing out money as a promotional vehicle for my newspaper, a strategy most newspapers in the past were too dim and short-sighted to think of themselves but will probably be copied many times over in future rip-off newspapers written by others). 

So as you would expect from any civilized person, you would assume that TChalla probably thanked me right?  Wrong.  Instead he expressed his gratitude in the form of a duel request.  An interesting response to receiving free money I thought.  But instead of accepting the request I decided to spare his life and ignore it.  Perhaps a duel request doesn't classify as "overwhelming positive feedback" but this was obviously an insane person so we won't count his outburst as legitimate feedback, as it appeared that everybody else loved the newspaper.  And I didn't even give them 100k!  In spite of all that, I harbor no hard feelings and to prove that I will be sending TChalla another $100,000.  I'll be taking that out of the tip jar from the last paper.  Still got $193,997 left to give away, so clearly you can all see the importance of tipping this newspaper.  So let's start sending some money my way and thank you all very much.

Your accountant has made payment of $100,000 to TChalla. The note "No hard feelings" was included.

We've got some news stories that effect all of us here in This Thing of Ours, some awards winners to report on, but before all that our big feature article.  Enjoy and thanks for reading.

Feature Article! (Front Page Story): The Demotion of Vincent_Capelli

Just days ago the world mourned the loss of Chicago mobster Vincent_Capelli, who died lonely and sponsorless as a Gangster.  His breakdown and subsequent death came on the heels of a City Hall investigation regarding some sort of voting fraud.  Perhaps he was tampering will the voting booths, or maybe he was rigging a union election.  But while details are scarce regarding the scope of his fraud, it was flagrant enough to attract the Head of City Hall himself, who laid his hammer down and stripped him of his illustrious Earner rank, knocking him back to Gangster rank and limiting his ability to sell more than five units of narcotics at at time.  But his humiliation didn't stop there. 

Vincent_Capelli entered the G1 Social Club, irate having had his honor stripped from him, and called out the Head of City Hall.  While most mobsters try to avoid drawing the ire or attention of the politicians in City Hall, Vincent_Capelli brashly, defiantly, and profanely asked the other socialites at he G1 Social Club "who the fuck" the Head of City Hall was, calling him names such as "wanker".  When other mobsters attempted to explain to him the error of his young ways and why City Hall got involved, Vincent_Capelli angrily retorted "fuck him".  So of course the other patrons of the G1 Social Club began jabbing at him, making remarks at him, and basically escalating what was already a volatile situation.  In fact only one person seemed to be willing to take the time to try and defuse the situation, talk some sense to the young upstart, and educate him as to how This Thing of Ours works especially when it comes to what he as found in violation of was @Frankie_Messina.  More on that later.  But mostly it was people poking fun at Vincent's errors, when lo and behold, the saloon style doors of the night club flew open and who entered?  The Head of City Hall himself.  The highest power.

Those who were present in G1 of course began kissing the Head of City Hall's ass almost immediately.  This sadly was not the cringiest moment of the evening but was definitely cringe enough to be worthy of mentioning in a front page news story.  Anyways history has shown that City Hall will not hesitate to imprison or sometimes even execute mobsters for infractions such as this.  It's a relationship between the Mafia and City Hall that is understood, and we operate our illegal enterprises within these parameters.  This reporter sat and waited to see if City Hall would exercise its executive powers and strike Vincent_Capelli down in the center of the G1 Social Club.  However, cool heads prevailed and City Hall explained in detail who had led to his demotion and what he could do in the future to not draw unwanted heat to himself.  He left shortly after and no blood was shed.  Even after he left, Frankie_Messina stepped up and addressed Vincent_Capelli again, giving him some life lessons and trying to bestow some wisdom on the young lad.

And you know what, let's touch upon that for a moment.  While everyone else looked for their opportunity to get a jab in at Vincent_Capelli, Frankie_Messina stepped forward and took the time to lend a helping hand, maybe teach him a thing or two and help him possibly be not only a productive member of our underworld community, but an effective one.  She even did it publically, maybe to serve as a good example to the other schleps more interested in getting their poorly thought-out insult than helping the community grow.  She expressed a quality lacking in many of us, myself included, and that quality is patience.  It was inspiring to see, and I was inspired just watching it.

So inspired in fact that you know what I'm going to do?  I'm going to send TChalla another 100k.  This is to show that I too have grown and despite having my life threatened by him in the form of a duel request, maybe I should be exercising a little patience myself.

Your accountant has made payment of $100,000 to TChalla. The note "Inspired by Frankie-Messina and her wisdom" was included.

So anyway immediately following Frankie_Messina's warm and friendly words, in what I can only describe as a moment of hilarious absurdity, Vincent_Capelli, who had just had his life spared in spite of such damning evidence, responded as such:

[09:04:17] Vincent_Capelli: you know what?

[09:04:20] Vincent_Capelli: Fuck you

[09:04:26] Vincent_Capelli: you fuckin piece of shit

(Special thanks to the FBN for providing the following transcription.  All mobster be advised that the G1 Social Club is bugged and all conversations are recorded)

It was as if multiple people hadn't just laid out and explained to him everything he had done wrong.  He then dropped from his crew announced that to everyone in the G1 Social Club as well.  All of this nonsense is a great source of amusement for me and this reporter felt fortunate to have been present for it.

Of course the laughter was short lived, as several people showed up afterwards, well after the fact I might add, and in a perfect example of terrible timing and lack of self-awareness starts piling on and ruining everything funny that had just taken place.  Others of course chimed in to top the last cringe remark made by the previous cringe person.  Soon it was poorly executed sexual innuendos that of course fell flat and the whole situation became such a cringe ordeal that I lost interest in covering it and won't disgrace my newspaper by reporting anything that was said after Vincent_Capelli's glorious meltdown.

There's a lesson to be learned here.  If something spontaneous or organic is happening before your eyes, you don't need to interject with a stupid comment.  Just let the funny thing unfold.  You people don't need to involve yourself, as it inevitably takes away from what everyone else was laughing at and enjoying, in this case the downfall of a man.  It's goddam sad to see and it's cringe.  There's a lot of cringe stuff that goes on in this mafia and maybe we'll explore these unfortunate blunders in future editions.  In the meantime, be better than that and stop being so cringe.

Not much happened after that, other than Frankie_Messina going on to describe members of the POLHF rogue crew as "reasonable", so I take back everything I said about her in the article above and we should all write her off as an insane person and never take anything she says seriously again.  I know it's not customary that a newspaper post a retraction in the same article it is retracting from, but this is the newspaper that breaks all the rules and throws tradition out the window.

Anyway rest in peace Vincent_Capelli

New City: Seattle

Organized crime on the west coast expands as the mafia makes their way to Seattle.  A city not especially known for a mob presense, and at the time of this publication is unclaimed and unoccupied, the city is split into two districts.  Those districts are Pioneer Square and, get ready folks, Ballard.  Yuck.

Who in their right mind would want to set up shop in a district called Ballard. Just take a moment and say it out loud to yourself. "Ballard".  Emphasize the "ard" part of the word when you say it.  Not a very cool sounding name for a district.  Imagine you run a crew in Ballard.  You attend a Commission meeting surrounded by the nation's top-ranking mafioso.  You strike up a conversation with several other attendees and they say things like "The Godfather of Brooklyn sends his regards" or "Any illegal activity in that takes place in Chicago has to go through me" or "Ever been to Manhattan?  I run that town".  Sounds pretty cool right?  Then they turn to you and say "How about you?  What do you do?" and you say "Oh, I run a crew out of Ballard" and everyone wrinkles their nose and stares at you.  Nobody speaks, they just kind of look down at their feet and say "ooooooooookay" and wait around until everything becomes so uncomfortable that you just leave.  Then as the door closes behind you, you hear everyone inside erupt into laughter.  You spend your long car ride back to Ballard crying and wishing you had just told them you ran a crew somewhere in Washington state.  Just kidding it's a cool name.  Best wishes to whoever sets up out there.

Crewleader of the Week

Well the nominations and votes are all in and it appears that the first winner of the Crewleader of the Week award goes to Syndicate so everybody be sure to congratulate him and send him gifts for winning this award.  Congrats!

Does Made Matter? Another Question Posed by Shaggs

Shaggs, a crewleader from the streets posed this question the other day in the streets.  However, we will not be covering this story nor will we be covering any story about Shaggs, as he complained to my crewleader about my last newspaper and made my life a living hell as a result.  Furthermore, none of his members will ever receive any money from this newspaper ever again, including TChalla who not only was awarded 100k in the last paper, but 200k in this one.  Anyway TChalla won't be seeing another dime from this newspaper and it's all Shagg's fault so if you want to blame somebody blame him.  Just kidding Shaggs is cool.  I was not kidding about not giving any of his members any more money though.

Another Successful Newspaper In The Bag

So that's it for this edition.  Pat yourself on the back if you made it this far.  I still have some tip money left over to give away, so I'm going to give the remaining $93,997 to VictoriaValium, Shagg's LHM.  "But Melvin, didn't you just get done saying in this very paper that you would never give any member of Shagg's crew another cent?"  Yes I did, but I also said that this is the newspaper that breaks all the rules and we will continue to do so with the help of your generous tips.  So keep them coming and we'll see you next time.  Thanks for reading.

Correction: It appears that I spelled @Frankie_Messina's name wrong throughout this newspaper.  I am very embarrassed by this and apologize for the mistake, however let's not use this mishap as an excuse not to tip.  Let's all be sure to do that generously.  Thanks

Another correction: More blunders sigh.  I feel like Vincent_Capelli.  In the Does Made Matter article, it says "Shaggs, a crewleader from the streets posed this question the other day in the streets.".  It was meant to read "Shaggs, a crewleader from Las Vegas..."  I'm sure I made numerous other stupid errors but I will not be addressing them and I urge all of you to ignore any mistakes you come across.  Also this is the last time I'm mentioning Shaggs in my newspaper ever again

"Hey you're Frankie Messina that Gangster lady - aren'tcha?!?"  A paper boy said as Frankie walked past.

Frankie stopped.  The boy looked hungry and she felt bad for him - especially with how much awe seemed to be in his gaze as he said her name.  "I'm Frankie Messina... business woman."  She said correcting him politely.  "Give me one of those, eh?"  Giving the boy a full dollar.  "Keep the change."  She said and she began to read, never noticing the boy LITERALLY run away.  

"Melvin... where do I know that name fr..."  she thought for a moment and then remembered the odd encounter in the street she'd had a short while ago in which she made a tidy profit, albeit she was quite confused as to why she was being handed large sums of money!  

Continuing to read she found the reason for the paper boy's fast departure... her name in print.  She sighed and prepared for the worst especially since it dealt with that sad young man Vincent.  That whole affair was unfortunate.  However, instead of finding the paper making fun of Vincent, it use humor to point out the need for education and support of new people in this thing of ours.  Satire, Frankie believed, could be used in two ways.  One to help and other for sheer 'humor' ... to hurt.  

"I may have misjudged you Melvin."  She said to herself as she thumbed through the rest of the paper and made her way down the street.

VictoriaValium bought one of Melvin's newspapers from a kid on the sidewalk. She walked over to the trash can, skimmed over the paper and then lit the thing on fire. Victoria let the paper catch enough fire so when she dropped it into the metal bin it wouldn't go out. She then walked away, a blaze of glory behind her. 

Mat came into the kitchen carrying a paper in his hand.  "Hey boss.  I think ya ought to read this here.  Some kid was out on the street sellin it and when I looked... well ya know I can't read any good, but I did recognkin a name or two."

Marie took the paper from him and began to look through it.  "Interesting... the guy has a way with words.  He could go far, but this is not news.  It's a tabloid editorial.  News is the presentation of fact without injection of personal opinion by the journalist."  She put the newsprint down and picked up her coffee.  "Still the boy has some talent.  Time will tell if he accomplishes anything with it or if he will just become the next 'cringe'.  I for one hope for the first, but rare is the one who can successfully wield the skill of a court jester."  

Mat looked confused.

"It is not what you think Mat.  The court jester was often the one person who could give bad news to the king that no one else would dare deliver.  He also was the one that could often point out something bad a noble was doing in a way that let everyone laugh about it and examine the behavior in a non-threatening manner.  They were a necessary fixture in the court."  Marie shrugged and added, "The skill is in the presentation and in knowing where the line is."

Melvin, your thoughts on the Ballard district are agreeable. 

Tips his hat

Walking out of his apartment Alex spots a crowd around the local newspaper boy, deciding to get closer he approaches them and buys a paper. 

A grin appears on his face and a few moments later he lets out a loud belly laugh, "This is one of the funniest things I have read in a good while!"

Before turning around and leaving the crowd Alex folds up the paper and tips the newspaper boy.